


Letters to Dean Winchester

by CurrentlyLost



Series: The Letters [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Asexual Castiel, Closure, Epistolary, Gray Romantic Castiel, I will tag in the notes before the chapter begins as a warning, Letters to each other, M/M, Mentions of cheating in past relationships, Mutual Pining, Past Aaron Bass/Dean Winchester, Past Castiel/Inias (Supernatural), Past Lisa Braeden/Dean Winchester, Rating May Change, Slow Burn, There will be mentions of underage sex as they were in high school when they did the do, past toxic relationship, therapist!Benny
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2020-10-14 00:35:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 38
Words: 50,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20591732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CurrentlyLost/pseuds/CurrentlyLost
Summary: Castiel writes and sends a letter to Dean Winchester. He wants closure for the toxic relationship they had in high school.





	1. Dear Dean

**Author's Note:**

> Should I be posting up another Destiel fic? Nope, probably not. But I hope y'all enjoy it! This will mainly be told through letters! This is not a planned fic, so keep that in mind.  
Much love.

Sep 4th, 2004

Dear Dean, 

_There have been many times over the past few years where I’ve been so close to talking to you or writing you a letter, but I didn’t know how to approach it or you. Every time I saw you, you went out of your way to avoid me (which I suppose I understand), so it was difficult to know when the right time was. Or if there ever was going to be one. _

_ I’ve come to realize that there never will be unless I step up and do it. I told you a lot of things that day on the stage in high school or that day right before graduation, but I don’t think I said the things I wanted to. When I moved away for a little bit and experienced life, I had a whole different understanding of everything. In fact, my time in Round Rock was one of the hardest points of my life. I was away from family, in a place where I only knew Charlie, and new to the whole adult life I was trying to lead. _

_ Never mind trying to love anybody or explore my own sexuality. But I tried. It was then that I discovered I was grey-romantic and asexual. In fact, I’m sure that what I felt for you may not have even been love. What I loved, honestly, was our friendship. I think we understood each other very well without even trying; it was just an instant connection, in my opinion. _

_ Unfortunately, all of that changed when I started pursuing a relationship with you, and I’ll admit that it was me. But not for the right reasons. I didn’t want to lose you as my best friend and I think that’s all it really came down to. _

_ You were there for me when my dad got sick and you were there for me after he passed, but I was really, really messed up after witnessing what I did. I was clinging to the past and afraid to move forward. As a result, I clung to you and I did things to hurt you, me, Aaron, and eventually Lisa, but I wasn’t alone in that. None of us were mature enough to really gage how much of an impact we had on each other. _

_ High school was extremely difficult. I felt isolated because a lot of our “friends” were ignoring me or spreading rumors because of what happened between us, but now I can see that that was the best thing to happen to me at that time. I discovered who really cared about me. Because of that, I left high school with a handful of friends that I consider my family today. _

_ And I’ll be even more honest, all the stuff that happened between us, both good and bad, was probably one of the greatest things to happen to me. It got me to completely disregard love and sex and because of that I was able to focus on what really mattered to me. My passion for writing hasn’t faltered since then. _

_ Everything that happened between you and I feels like a lifetime ago, but it all still weighs heavily on my heart because I feel like there was a lot of things left unsaid and that bothers me the most. One day, we just stopped talking. At the time, I didn’t understand it, but now I do. Now, I don’t hold any bitterness in my heart at all. I haven’t in a long time, but I feel as though you do because you don’t even look at me. It’s like you’re afraid of something. And I don’t say that as an insult, just as something I’ve noticed. _

_ I remember telling you that I hoped we could be friends again one day and you agreed (you might’ve just agreed to get me off your back but I don’t think so because I never knew you to run away from stuff like that), so, right now, the thing I hope for the most is closure. I hope we can be on friendlier terms instead of just holding something weird and possibly negative between us. _

_ Everyone in life should be able to walk around without feeling weird towards anyone. Everyone deserves their own happiness. Everyone deserves to be able to talk about how they feel. _

_ I also heard about you and Lisa and I just want you to know that I’m not writing you because of it. If anything, I genuinely hope that you two either find happiness with each other once again or you both create your own happiness with other people. Really, everyone deserves that. I can’t say that enough. _

_ I am writing to you because I wanted to say thank you. For our friendship and what it led me to. For whatever else we shared together as well, the infatuation and the pain afterwards. _

_ You can ignore this letter, I would understand, but I do feel that since I’ve said my piece, it’s only right that you have a chance to say yours as well. _

_ I hope this letter finds you, Dean, and finds you well. _

_ -Castiel _


	2. Dear Castiel

September 24th, 2004

_ Dear Castiel, _

_ I think your right about us needing to talk. But, first, I’d like to start out by apologizing. For everything. Back in high school, I was a stupid kid. I was selfish, a dick, and just not good friend material. I think you figured that out by now. Five years is a long time to go without talking and since I know you’re confused about my sudden silence back then, I’ll tell you why I stopped talking to you. _

_ It wasn’t anything you did, really. I knew it would’ve been better for us to just take a step back, because, you’re right, we were definitely a toxic couple or whatever we were. I understand all my wrongs now. No, that’s wrong. I understood it then, I just didn’t want to acknowledge what I was doing and how it was affecting others. Mainly you. _

_ I cheated on Aaron with you the whole year he and I were dating. I cheated on Lisa with you and Aaron for the first year she and I were together. I’ve never actually admitted that before since everyone in the school knew. _

_ I let you take the fall (Not even Aaron had it as bad as you did). I let you be pinned as the bad guy when everyone was calling you a “whore” and a “piece of shit”. I let that happened. I let everything bad that could happen to you in high school happen. And I’m truly sorry for that. It definitely wasn’t just you. Honestly, I don’t think you did anything wrong, other than let yourself be tempted by me over and over again. _

_ You tried dating other people, but my jealousy would go wild and I’d lash out at you unfairly. I just liked being needed by you, I think. It was wrong and selfish and I still hold plenty of guilt about it. The reason I’m writing all this down for you to see is so you can decide whether you actually forgive me or not, because that’s important. I know how strong you are, Castiel. You’ve always been the strongest and maturest out of the both of us, but I understand how much I hurt you back then. _

_ Lisa and I lasted a good six years, and it was nice. I loved her. But I suddenly realized that I wanted to leave that small town and move to the city; she wanted to stay and so we tried to make long distance work. As you can probably guess, it really didn’t. _

_ I hear you’re living overseas now. What’s the like? I also read your books and I really enjoy them. Then again, I always loved your writing. _

_ I never looked at you because I couldn’t stand to remember the kind of person I used to be. That’s all I would remember when I saw you. After our falling out, I know you tried your best to make sure the air didn’t change around our group of friends and I know you were ignored. By them and by me. _

_ We had a good friendship in the beginning, we really did. I would’ve given anything for that friendship to continue. Whenever you told me you had feelings for me, I was honestly happy because I had feelings for you, too. But at the same time, Aaron and I were talking. It all came down to me making a choice. At first, I chose you because we really clicked. We could talk about anything, but after you never made a move I switched gears to Aaron because he did. _

_ I’m going to tell you something I kept hidden from you the entire time. I knew, during that time, you were under a lot of stress because your dad was in and out of the hospital and I still fought with you, accusing you of not having time for me when I knew you were out working in the town to make money for your parents. And that’s honestly one of the worst things I ever did. _

_ When I read that you were sure you never actually loved me, I will admit that I was kind of hurt. Because I actually had feelings for you. Which, looking back on that now, I can see how you wouldn’t believe I did. I treated you terribly. I would only talk to you when Aaron or Lisa weren’t around, and I would make sure to keep it a secret that we were hanging out. _

_ I can admit to all of this, Castiel. And I will never stop being sorry. _

_ Thanks for reading, _

_ Dean. _


	3. Dear Dean

Oct 14th, 2004

_ Dear Dean, _

_ I understand why you just laid it all out in your letter. It was needed and yet it still made me very emotional. You’re right. You did some terrible things to me back then. I don’t know if you knew for sure, but I was isolated by our group for a good while. It was the most painful thing I ever felt next to losing my dad. I was already hurting from that and from you and that was just kicking me while I was down. _

_ I hated you. I hated you so much. _

_ But that was then. Now, hate is almost foreign to me. I realized that being angry with you was just hurting me; It was poisoning me, so I just took a deep breath and let it go. Honestly, it was that easy. _

_ I didn’t know you did that when you were choosing between us and I can see why you kept it a secret. That was a really horrible thing to do. Honestly, I should’ve walked away from you when you were trying to choose between us. It meant you didn’t love me enough to choose me right then. I should just let it be but I didn’t. I wanted to make you love me more than Aaron.  _

_ In the end, I ended up losing him as a close friend. Even though he still spent time with me while you two were dating and he never said a word, I know he hated me. One of our mutual friends explained to me that he’d only hung out with me because he wanted to see if I would slip up and say something about our affair. Or whatever it was. _

_ You taught me how to be a secret. Whenever I tried dating after high school, I felt that I always had to be secretive, like I was with you. My relationships failed because I never wanted to go out in public with them. They thought I was ashamed of them or of myself. It was difficult, Dean. I suppose it still is even after five years. I want this closure so I can move on. So I can maybe find a platonic life partner to spend the rest of my life with. _

_ Thank you for reading my books. I’m glad you enjoyed them. I will be releasing another book soon. It’s in its final stages. _

_ Living overseas is nice. You meet new people all the time and no one can judge you for something they heard you did six years ago. It’s refreshing. I’ve found amazing friends over here and I’m thankful. Really, Dean, I think you would like it out here. You were always one for nature. _

_ Before I forget to put it in this letter, I’m sorry I punched that day after school. I’m sorry I cornered you then. I just wanted to know why you stopped talking to me. Eventually, I realized that you made the right call. If you hadn’t, then I definitely would’ve. We were getting to that point already. _

_ But I’ve thought about it more, maybe for a second, and I know I still forgive you. Without a doubt. _

_ -Castiel _

_ P.S I’m glad your feelings for me were serious back then, but that doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. _


	4. Dear Castiel

November 5th, 2004

_ Dear Castiel, _

_ I’m sorry that what happened between us affected your future relationships. I wasn’t thinking that far ahead back then. Truth be told, I only used to think about myself, but I’m sure you knew that. _

_ I can’t wait for your new book to hit the shelves. I remember walking through the city one day, way before moving here, and passing this popular bookstore. I decided to go in there since I had some time to kill and right in the front, under the sign ‘New Best Sellers’, your book was right there with your name in bold on the bottom. I checked the back to make sure and smiled when I saw your picture. _

_ You always talked about being a writer and you worked extremely hard on it, so much so that I used to get jealous with how much of your time you spent with a pen and paper. But I was extremely proud of you instantly. I bought two copies, one for me and one for Sam. Lisa wasn’t exactly happy about it, but she did cave and read it once I was done. She cried. Honestly, I cried, too. _

_ I don’t know if you keep in contact with Sam, he doesn’t talk about you, but in case you don’t, I thought I’d tell you that he’s well on his way to becoming a damn good lawyer. It should be no surprise, since he’s always been a smart kid. Back then, he used to give me so much shit about how I treated you and I just brushed him off. _

_ It didn’t surprise him when I came home one day with a bruised cheek. Word had already gotten out to the other schools, so he knew it was you who did. He said that was the least I deserved and I agreed with him. Truthfully, none of what you did to me, Aaron, and Lisa combined compared to all I did to you. All of us treated you bad though. Aaron pretended to be your friend and would tell me all the personal secrets you shared with him, so we could laugh together, but I never laughed at that. You trusted him with secrets you held dear to you and he soiled that trust. _

_ Lisa, she spread rumors behind your back to all our friends. She made sure to tell everyone you were completely obsessed with me and would follow me around the school and town. That was her, but I’m also to blame since I didn’t try to stop her. Nothing but a weak “stop it, Lisa” would come out of my mouth. But I know you weren’t any of that. I know we had special places to meet in the school daily, so I know you weren’t following me. _

_ I don’t know if you know all this, but there it is in case you didn’t. I felt you always deserved better, Cas. Even if I had a shit way of showing it. _

_ Regarding your post script, I understand. It was selfish of me to even put that in the letter. I’m sorry. _

_ Thanks for reading, _

_ Dean _

_P.S All of this is making me emotional, too._


	5. Dear Dean

Nov 30th, 2004

_ Dear Dean, _

_No, I actually didn’t know any of that. Reading and talking and thinking about all of this is a lot harder than I imagined it would be; It’s very hurtful._

_ I knew Aaron hated me, but I didn’t know from when so knowing that he shared my personal secrets with anyone, even you, makes me feel extremely violated. It’s like I’m back in high school and I’ve been stripped bare for everyone to see, because if he told you who’s to say he didn’t tell anyone else? _

_ This is a lot to handle, Dean. I thought this would be easier. I thought I was passed the past, but it seems I still have quite a bit more work to do. The more I re-read your letters, the more I’m starting to feel like I reached out to you much too soon. _

_ I didn’t know Lisa was someone who could do that, even to someone who was betraying her, so I’m shocked. I can’t say I blame her, but a part of me is oddly disappointed in her actions. It’s not like I have room to talk though; I was the one messing around with her boyfriend. I’m pretty sure she was disappointed in me as well. _

_ I’m sorry. I thought I was ready. _

_ -Castiel _

_ P.S I haven’t talked to Sam in a long while, but tell him I said hello next time you talk to him. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and let me know what y'all think!
> 
> My [Tumblr](https://castielsangel-blade.tumblr.com/)


	6. Dear Cas

December 20th, 2004

_ Dear Cas, _

_ You don’t have anything to be sorry for. I should be sorry for just dropping all this new information on you. I should’ve been more considerate of your feelings rather than trying to confess all my wrongdoings right off the bat. _

_ I don’t think this was a bad idea at all though, Cas, but I do think we should take our time with discussing everything. I don’t know if you still want to exchange letters or if you want to try calling long distance through a cell phone, so please let me know. _

_ Sam says hi and he wants to send you a letter, too. So is it okay to give him your address? I won’t give it to him unless you say so. _

_ Thanks for reading, _

_ Dean. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have an important question: Since Sam is going to start writing to Cas, would y'all prefer to have Sam's letters posted here or in a separate story that I will title Letters to Sam Winchester? Comment and let me know! I've been trying to decide, but I think I should also have readers input <3


	7. Dear Dean

Jan 24th, 2005

_ Happy birthday, Dean. _

_ -Castiel _

_ P.S I’d like to hear from Sam. Please give him my address. Thank you for asking first. _


	8. Dear Cas

February 13th, 2005

_ Dear Cas, _

_ I thought you stopped writing since it’s been over a month since your last letter. I really hope you’re doing okay. I’m sorry for just throwing everything on you. I should’ve realized that even though five years is a long time, things like that don’t just go away with time. _

_ I know you mentioned wanting to talk to me, but what about Lisa or Aaron? Maybe there are things to be said there, too. _

_ But it’s also completely up to you. I hope I’m not pressuring you or anything, Cas. _

_ Sam is excited to write to you. He went and bought stationery and everything, like a professional. You and Sam have a lot in common. I think it’s really nice. _

_ Hope to hear from you again. _

_ Thanks for reading, _

_ Dean _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to add Sam's letters into another story and title it Letters to Sam Winchester. I'll be creating that story and turning this into a series. Those letters are also very important so please read those if you'd like to know what goes through Cas and Sam's head when they're not talking to Dean <3
> 
> Thank you to everyone for your input! I really appreciated it! I hope everyone continues to like and read this despite the little change I'm doing <3


	9. Dear Cas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This letter takes place after chapter 2 or Letters to Sam Winchester

March 26th, 2005

_ Dear Castiel, _

_ I think the letter you sent me may have gotten lost in the mail. Sam got his yesterday and he was really happy, so I wanted to say thank you for putting that smile on his face. As an older brother, taking care of your siblings is always a top priority. _

_ So like I said, my letter probably got lost. I’m writing you another one to explain the situation so you don’t think I’m ignoring you. _

_ Hope to hear from you soon, Cas. _

_ Thanks for reading, _

_ Dean _


	10. Dear Dean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place at the same time as chapter 4 of Letters to Sam Winchester

Apr 3rd, 2005

_ Dear Dean, _

_ I apologize for my absence. I became extremely overwhelmed with memories and new information. I should’ve told you, but as you know I’m better at just disappearing for awhile than talking about how I feel. It was unfair of me, especially since I know you were waiting for my letter. _

_ As for talking to Aaron and Lisa, I don’t know. The thought terrifies me and that makes me feel like I’m still in high school, something I thought I was past. _

_ Dean, I’ve realized, since we’ve begun writing to one another, that I haven’t changed as much as I originally thought. When it comes to you, I’m still that same boy I was back then: Meek, fragile, and guilt ridden. I feel like it’s a crime to talk to you, that I should still keep that fact hidden from everyone. It isn’t pleasant._

_ I need to continue with my therapy and try to move past it. I apologize for initiating contact and being the one to break it off. _

_ -Castiel _


	11. Dear Cas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This takes place a day before chapter 5 of Letters to Sam Winchester

April 9th, 2005

_ Dear Cas, _

_ It’s okay, Cas. I get it. I really am sorry for just pushing all the information on you rather than telling you here and there. It was absolutely selfish of me and I realize that that was just me trying to make myself feel better about all the shit I did to you in the past. I’m sorry for that, too. _

_ I know I’m not the same guy I was in high school, but I understand what you mean about reverting back to your old self because I feel all the guilt coming to me tenfold. I was anxious to get everything off my chest that I didn’t think about what it did to you. _

_ I hope to hear from you again one day, Cas. _

_ Thanks for reading, _

_ Dean. _

_ P.S Please keep writing to Sam, if anything. Your letters make him so happy. _


	12. Dear Dean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place around the same time as chapter 8 of Letters to Sam Winchester

Jun 1st, 2005

_ Dear Dean, _

_ Sam has told me that you’re now aware of his plans to come out here and visit me for about a month. Before we move any more forward in these plans, I’d like to be assured that you are 100-percent agreeable with it. If you are in any way uncomfortable with the idea, please let us know and we will hold it off. _

_ Hope this letter finds you well. _

_ -Castiel _


	13. Dear Cas

June 20th, 2005

_ Dear Cas, _

_ I appreciate you checking with me. I’m completely fine with it, although I will admit that I’m a little envious of Sam. Even though I’m terrified of flying, it would’ve been nice to go out there to visit you as well. But I’m getting way ahead of myself. _

_ Sam is having a lot of fun planning his trip. He’s doing a lot of research on the places on the island so you can have a bunch of fun. You know Sammy though, always has to have a schedule. I know I don’t have to tell you to watch out for him, because you always saw him as your own little brother and I always appreciated that. _

_ I’m writing this letter in the car while he’s in the store buying a camera to take on the trip. We just got back from the post office and I’m not ashamed to say that I was extremely happy to see a letter from you. _

_ I ran into Aaron a few days ago, and he’s doing good. He’s seeing someone. I try not to talk to him much anymore because he tries to steer the conversation back to us getting together again and I really don’t want that. I guess you can say that he hasn’t really changed. It was weird and disappointing to see that he was the same person from five years ago, but I shouldn’t judge him. After all, I wronged him, too. _

_ I’m going to visit Lisa next week to admit things to her. It was something I should have done a long time ago, but I guess better late than never. I’m going to tell her _ _ everything _ _ that happened between us while she and I were dating back in high school, because I denied everything back then. Which was a really shit move on my part. So I wanted to come clean. _

_ I just thought that acknowledging that I did terrible things to you and her and Aaron and burying that “Past Dean” was enough, but I see now that it’s not. I need to own up to things I did and stop running from them. Part of that, as Sam told me, is coming clean… Both to myself and everyone else. I’ll start with Lisa, then Aaron, and then, if you’d allow me, you. _

_ I’m honestly terrified, Castiel. I’ve been terrified since I made the decision to do it, but then I realized that you must have felt this fear all those years ago. There aren’t enough words to express how sorry I am for leaving you to deal with that all on your own. _

_ But I need to make this as right as I can. _

_ Thanks for reading,  
_ _ Dean _

_ P.S I bought your new book. It’s really great so far. I’m really proud of you. _


	14. Dear Dean

Jul 12th, 2005

_ Dear Dean, _

_ I’m glad to hear that you’re okay with Sam visiting. Don’t hold me to this, but maybe one day you can come and visit the island. Maybe if we ever become friends again. _

_ Don’t worry. I’ll always look out for Sam. I promise. _

_ I’m really happy and a little surprised to hear about what you’re planning to do. I know how terrifying it is to talk to someone about what you’ve done to them or what they’ve done to you, but I understand doing it. I’m proud of you, Dean. _

_ I hope the talks with Lisa and Aaron go well and that you’re all able to understand one another again, or at least move on from that dark time. _

_ As for me… Let me know when you’ve talked to them. We’ll see what happens. I can’t promise you that we’ll talk, but there is a possibility. I hope you understand. _

_ -Castiel _


	15. Dear Cas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are mentions of underaged sex, but nothing in detail. Just "we had sex", really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to Aurora_Sleeps_In! Thank you for always giving me your feedback and for telling me all your predictions (I love reading those because you've always been pretty spot on) <3

October 7th, 2005

_ Dear Cas, _

_ Sam has been there for a little over a week now and I’m sure you’re both having fun. Sam has yet to call me, but there’s no pressure on him to do that because I know he’s in good hands. So, this letter has been in the works for a few weeks. I wanted to get it perfect. _

_ I had my talk with Lisa and while it could’ve gone a whole lot better, it also could’ve been worse. She was shocked to hear about everything you and I did while she and I were together. She didn’t think the rumors about you and I having sex were true, but I finally admitted it. I think she was more pissed that I gave my virginity to you and not her. And, look, I didn’t deny the rumors because I was ashamed of what you and I did, that’s not it. I denied them because I didn’t want to lose Lisa. I didn’t want to lose her and I didn’t want to lose you. I figured that you wouldn’t leave me after that because you loved me too much, and I was right in that you didn’t leave me. It was selfish and fucked up of me. I deliberately decided to hurt you because I knew you would stay and I’m so, so sorry, Castiel. Truly. _

_ I told her about the letters we used to leave around the school for each other. I told her I kept them in a box under our bed for years. I told her I still have them. I told her that, when it came right down to it, I was happier in my time with you. I told her I was sorry for being unfaithful in most of our relationship in high school. She was surprised that I’d decided to come out with all of this so many years later. She was understandably angry and I didn’t blame her at all when she slapped me. I deserved it. It was nothing compared to what I did. _

_ She told me that she used to hate you, but she grew up and understood that you needed someone there with you with all the things you were going through. And she was regretful having spread the rumors that she did when you needed friends… not enemies. _

_ I was happy after my talk with Lisa. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders and, after calming down, she did, too. She explained to me that she knew there was something more between us than just you “being infatuated” with me, that it definitely wasn’t one sided. She just didn’t want to believe it. I suppose I didn’t either. _

_ Afterwards though, I eventually came down from that high. It hit me like a ton of bricks that although I made peace with her and our past together… There shouldn’t have been a need to. I shouldn’t have put everyone through that. I should’ve treated everyone around me better. I should’ve, I should’ve, I should’ve… I drove myself damn near crazy thinking about what I should and should not have done. It took almost a week for me to pick myself up and talk to Aaron. _

_ It was extremely tough working the courage to reach out to him. I didn’t want to give him the wrong idea or false hope about our relationship rekindling, so I came out and sent him a message over social media stating that I need to talk to him about what happened between me, you, and him. He seemed confused, but agreed to meet up. _

_ We went to the park and sat on a bench and just talked. We caught up for a moment and made some small talk before I just laid it right out for him with complete honesty. I didn’t just shove it onto him like I regretfully did with you. I learned the proper way to do it, with Sam’s help of course (What would I be without that kid?). _

_ He wasn’t surprised, at all. He said he’d known there was something going on between us because we hid it poorly. He said you wore your heart on your sleeve and it was easy to tell when you loved someone. He said he saw that emotion in my eyes. But he didn’t want to let me go, so he held on… Even though he saw it was hurting both of us. _

_ He apologized for that. I forgave him, but you definitely don’t have to, Cas. I told him about the notes around school and us sleeping together and me sneaking over to your place when he and I weren’t hanging out. It was just as freeing as it was with Lisa, but this one was different. My relationship with Aaron was pretty innocent, but it also marked the beginning of me going down the wrong path. _

_ I couldn’t tell you what started it, Cas, but something snapped within me while I was dating Aaron. I needed all this attention and you and Aaron were giving it to me. I didn’t want to lose it, so I sacrificed your happiness, Aaron’s happiness, and my morals. I don’t know how to even begin to make that right. Like, I can talk to Lisa and talk to Aaron and talk to you, but in the end… It doesn’t really change what I did to you guys. It doesn’t change the fact that I hurt all of you in ways that probably can’t be healed, but it doesn’t mean I can’t try. _

_ I let Lisa say the things she’s always wanted to say to me and I listened carefully. I let Aaron do the same. I don’t know if they found it as cathartic as I did, but we did part ways smiling and that’s a start. _

_ I don’t know if I was expecting Aaron to hit me just as Lisa did, but I was surprised when he hugged me tight. He said he forgave me, forgave us, for everything because he’s happy now. He wished me luck and said that he hopes you’re doing well, too, Cas. Aaron has matured a lot lately and I’m extremely proud of him. _

_ I hope I’m not crossing any lines by saying so, but I think you would be, too. _

_ I want you to know that I’m doing my best to right some wrongs. I’m doing my best to be a better person. _

_ Thanks for reading,  
_ _ Dean. _


	16. Dean and Castiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place after chapter 14 of LTSW

October, 26th, 2005

“Sammy? Can you hear me or do you have poor connection again?” Dean asked when he only received silence in return.

A pause. “ _ Hello, Dean _ .”

Dean’s breath caught in his throat at the sound of a voice he’d never forget. It’d gotten a little deeper and rougher over the years but he knew, without a doubt, who it was. “Cas?” He gasped softly. “I-I wasn’t expecting. Um, Sam? Is he okay?” He asked, his mind finally clicking that Castiel was calling him and something might’ve happened to Sam.

“ _ Sam is doing well. He’s watching a movie at the moment _ .”

Dean instantly relaxed. “Thank God. I thought something was wrong. Erm, how’re you doing, Cas?” He asked, moving to sit up in bed. He’d been trying and failing to fall asleep when Castiel called. Dean looked at the time. It was one 11:47 p.m.

“ _ I’m also doing well, thank you for asking. How are you? _ ” Castiel asked. Dean squirmed at the formality in his tone but understood as they weren’t best friend’s anymore.

“Yeah, of course, man. I’m-I’m good. Same old, same old,” he said, kicking himself for sounding so stupid.

“ _ I know you’re wondering why I’ve called and I wanted to let you know that I got your letter. I wanted to say that I’m proud of you for talking to both Lisa and Aaron and finally seeing that you need to do more than just… acknowledge that you’re not the same person. I know I haven’t been the nicest in the letters, but I didn’t quite know how to talk to you anymore, Dean _ .” Dean listened along, nodding in agreement at Castiel’s words.

“Yeah. I’ve been… real stupid for a long time, Cas. I was such a shitty person who did shitty things to the people around me. Especially you, and you were my best friend,” Dean said, his voice shaking with nerves and emotion. He didn’t want to accidentally say the wrong thing to Cas and lose him in his life again. “I-I’m  _ so _ sorry, Castiel,” his voice broke and he felt a lump in his throat. He tried to swallow it away but it lingered.

Castiel let out a breath. “ _ I can tell you truly mean it. I can see that it’s affected you as well. Look, Dean, I forgave you a long time ago. I forgave everything you did and said, but that didn’t mean my heart had forgotten any of it. I… I lied in my first letter. I loved you so much, Dean. Knowing that you did actually love me as well makes me feel a little better _ .”

“My feelings for you were... very strong, Cas,” Dean said, wanting to subtly correct Cas’s use of the word ‘love’, but not wanting to anger him.

Castiel chuckled and Dean felt his heart flutter. “ _ You made me a mixtape. A Led Zeppelin mixtape. Sam recently found it in the box of old notes I had and told me the significance. _ ”

Dean felt his face heat up. “Sam saw those old notes?” He asked.

“ _ He knows they exist, but he didn’t read any of them, if that’s what you’re worried about _ ,” Castiel said.

“I’m not ashamed of them. I’m just… Sam’s my little brother, you know? So, it’s kinda embarrassing for him to see that side of me,” he admitted, rubbing his neck shyly.

“ _ Dean, I can assure you that Sam already knows how sappy you are _ ,” Castiel chuckled. “ _ But I’m glad all that heartache wasn’t for naught. _ ”

Dean cleared his throat awkwardly and nodded. “Y-yeah, Cas. I loved you.” But he was sure Castiel knew that from the mixtape and the last note he ever left for him.

Dean heard Castiel’s breath catch. “ _ It’s kind of funny, isn’t it? I always wanted to hear you tell me those words back then, and I get them now. When it doesn’t matter much anymore _ .”

Dean froze. “They… They still mean  _ something _ , Cas. I don’t just say  _ that _ and it not matter,” he said, a little upset that Castiel was disregarding something he hardly said to even Sam.

“ _ You misunderstand me, Dean. I’m not saying that your words don’t matter or make a difference, I’m saying that it doesn’t matter to a relationship that’s been dead for years. I’m glad to hear you did love me, but I’m upset it’s only being said now. That isn’t your fault, of course. I know how you are about expressing your feelings. _ ”

Dean sighed sadly. “No, I get what you’re saying. And I know I’ve always been this way… but that doesn’t mean I had to deprive you of happiness. I should’ve made you leave me instead of just clinging to you.”

“ _ If you loved me, then why did you continue to date other people and keep me on the side _ ?” Castiel asked. Dean had been dreading this inevitable question because he honestly didn’t know.

“I-I’m not sure, Cas. I guess… I just liked all the attention or something. I did a lot of things that didn’t make sense, loving you and not being with you being one of them,” he said, his voice quiet and full of shame.

“ _ I suppose it doesn’t really matter. Once you and I began our secret relationship while you were dating Aaron, I knew I would never be in a relationship with you. Maybe it’s unfair of me to say, but you cheated, Dean. If you and I had ever publicly dated, I would’ve never trusted you because of that. _ ”

Dean stayed silent, thinking over Castiel’s words. “You’re right, Cas. I would’ve cheated on you, and probably with Aaron or Lisa. It was always you three in high school. But after we stopped talking, I stayed faithful to Lisa, when I realized I’d been a shitty person to you, her, and Aaron. I never cheated again and I would never. It’s… such a terrible feeling. All the sneaking around and the hiding. It took me a long time to see it, but I did. And I’d never do that to anyone again. It’s just terrible.”

Castiel hummed. “ _ I’m glad to hear that, Dean. I… hope your next relationship is happier and wholesome _ ,” Castiel said, clearing his throat.

“Thanks, Cas. I hope the same for you, too,” he said.

“ _ I don’t think I’ll be dating for awhile, but I appreciate that _ ,” Castiel replied, his voice light and Dean could tell he was smiling, just like he was. His face hurt so much from his smiling.

“You’re grey-romantic, right? I had to look that up because I didn’t know what that was,” Dean said. “I’m glad you discovered a lot of yourself while you were in Round Rock.”

Castiel laughed a little. “ _ Yes, it definitely wasn’t easy and there were a lot of things that happened that negatively affected me, but I got back on track. I’m really the same person, just more content with who I am and... maybe a little skinnier _ ,” he chuckled.

“Oh, I definitely look the same, too. Just more stubble and a bit tan from work,” Dean said. He was happy the conversation was flowing easily between them. If Dean closed his eyes and thought really hard, he would think they were having a sleepover again like they used to growing up. “So what was it like in Round Rock? What kind of job did you have?” He asked.

“ _ I worked at a movie theater while attending college. It was hard work but extremely rewarding in that I met many wonderful people and have stayed in touch with them. They saw me at some of my worst and stayed with me, helped me, and, really, you can’t find better friends than that. What about you? Sam’s told me you didn’t attend college? _ ”

Dean huffed. “I just wanted to make sure Sammy didn’t have to worry about money while he was going. I didn’t even know what I wanted to do, I still don’t, but he did and so I was going to make sure he was taken care of while going,” Dean explained. “I’d give that kid the moon if I could.” Dean smiled fondly at the thought of his younger brother.

Castiel chuckled. “ _ I don’t doubt that. You’ve always held him high above everyone else. It was something I really loved about you. _ ” Castiel paused and then cleared his throat, speaking again before Dean had a chance to reply. _ “Regarding college, you don’t have to attend if you feel it’s not for you, but don’t hold yourself back either. Sam is an adult now. _ ” Another pause, his voice softer now, _ “You can rest, okay? _ ”

Dean felt his heart thump and his breath caught. For most of his life, he took care of Sam. He made sure Sam was up and ready for school every day, made sure he was well-fed, did all his homework, and taught him right from wrong no matter what it cost him. Sure, Uncle Bobby took them in and gave them a place to stay, but he made sure Dean knew how to take care of himself  _ and _ Sam in case anything happened to him in his old age.

Before he knew it, Sam was towering over him and living his own life. His little brother wasn’t a kid anymore and it hit Dean harder than it ever had before. He wasn’t sure if it was going to hit him right now regardless or if it was because it was Castiel who gave him that reassurance. It didn’t matter in the end anyways.

Dean wiped the tears that had fallen away and let out a shaky breath. “Y-yeah? Are you sure it’s okay?” He asked, voice wobbly with emotion.

“ _ Yes, Dean. It’s okay. I promise you he’ll be okay, and if there comes a time when he needs someone, I know you’ll always be there. You can rest now _ ,” Castiel assured him. Dean didn’t feel the least bit ashamed when he cried on the phone. After years and years and years, he finally let it out. He cried for his parents, for Bobby, for all the times he gave Sam most of the food he made, for all the toys he gave up to give to Sam, for the normal childhood he could’ve had. All the while, Castiel assured him it was okay, that Dean was going to be okay, and that he was extremely proud of him.

Dean wiped his nose on his shirt. “Why’re you being so nice to me, Cas? I don’t deserve it,” he said, voice thick with tears.

“ _ Everyone deserve kindness, Dean. I do still care about you despite everything that happened. Trust me when I say I hold no ill will towards you or anyone else. With anger and hate comes poisoning yourself, and it’s just not worth it. And, please, you need to forgive yourself, Dean. If you wish to truly move on and above it, you need to forgive yourself, _ ” Castiel explained.

“Am I allowed to do that?” He asked, his voice smaller than it had ever been. He was afraid of messing up again.

“ _ Yes. I know it may not be my place, but have you considered seeing a therapist? It’s done wonders for me and I’m sure it could do the same for you, _ ” Castiel said. Dean opened his mouth but was cut off by Castiel adding, “ _ And seeing a therapist doesn’t mean you’re weak or that there’s anything wrong with you. _ ” Dean closed his mouth.

“You know me pretty well,” Dean chuckled.

Castiel laughed with him. “ _ Well, you were my best friend _ .”

They both stayed silent, Dean’s mind focusing on the past tense.

“I know I’m being shitty even saying this, but… I’d  _ really _ like to be friends with you again, Cas,” he said. “When we stopped talking, I didn’t just lose someone I loved. I also lost my best friend A-and I know it was my fault, but I just… miss you  _ so _ damn much, man.” His heart pounded at his own confession. He’d been working really hard on expressing how he felt, but to be doing it to Castiel was nerve wracking.

“ _ ... I miss you, too, Dean. But I-I can’t be hurt again, especially not by you. I don’t think I’d come back from it a second time, so I don’t want to put my well being on the line straight away. But I think we can resume writing letters to one another, to start off. If that’s okay with you, _ ” Castiel said.

Dean smiled wide. It wasn’t getting his phone number, but it was more than he actually thought he would get. “Definitely!” He answered quickly, unable to hide his eagerness. The chuckle he got in return was worth feeling a bit exposed.

“ _ I’ll write you soon. I have to go now. Sam and I are eating lunch and we’re going to watch a movie, too. He’s also developing photos right now, so I’m sure he’ll be mailing them to you soon, _ ” Castiel said. “ _ He’ll probably already be home by the time they get there. _ ” Castiel laughed softly.

“Yeah, sounds good, Cas. Tell Sammy I said hi. I-I miss him, too. You can tell him that,” he said. “Thank you for calling me. It really meant a lot.”

“ _ Of course. Goodbye, Dean _ ,” Castiel said.

“See ‘ya, Cas.”

_ Click _ .

Dean stared at his phone for a while before flipping it shut, and he knew then. He was screwed, but, damn it, if he didn’t like it.


	17. Dear Dean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place before chapter 15 of LTSW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow is the day (or today, I guess). Season 15 starts today and it's gonna be an emotional ride until the very end. I want everyone to know, everyone reading this, that you are my family and you always will be. We'll all be okay as long as we have one another <3 If at any time you feel like the emotions become too much, my messages are always open on Tumblr.

October 30th, 2005

_ Hey Dean! _

_ So these are the photos I took of around the island! It’s so pretty here (but also so humid and it rains basically every day) and you’d love it! The beaches are great, the water is so blue! Cas and I went snorkeling where we saw beautiful fish and I touched a baby shark; it was exhilarating. We also went to visit a few monuments and a place called Two Lovers Point. It was a really beautiful place and we saw so many couples and families having a wonderful time. A lot of people seemed to think that Cas and I were together, it was a great laugh, but it was also amazing to see how open-minded everyone is over here. _

_ They cheered us on when I rang the bell (although I was ringing it for me and Eileen), and Cas laughed and told me this is why he loved living here. Why he’d never move back to the States. I don’t blame him. I’m almost tempted to stay here myself, but I have school, Eileen and, most importantly, you. _

_ Tomorrow is Halloween for us and I know you won’t get this letter in time, but I hope you didn’t eat too much candy again. We decided to buy the full sized candy bars and hand them out, and I can’t wait to see the little kids’ faces when we drop it in their trick or treat bags! _

_ Remember when we would go out trick or treating? It was always the best. I remember you always giving me your full sized candies, even though I know you wanted them. I don’t think I ever told you, but thank you. For, you know, everything. _

_ This trip has made me see things in a different light, almost. Being away from home, from you, makes me sad. I’ve  _ _ loved _ _ my time here, no doubt, but I guess I never realized how much I took everything back at home for granted until I was away from it. _

_ I talked to Cas about it, and he told me that he definitely went through the same thing when he moved so far away. He told me he misses his brothers and me and even you, but he said that he’s his happiest when he’s here. _

_ It got me thinking. After I graduate, we should move to another state or do some traveling. I think it would be good for both of us. I’ll have to have a serious talk with Eileen, but I’d really love to do that and I want you both to come with me. We’ll talk about it more when I get home. I guess, thinking about it now, we might have already talked since you’ll be getting this letter after I’ve come home. _

_ I guess I probably should’ve just traveled with the photos instead of sending them snail mail, but when have I ever done anything the easy way! :) _

_ I hope you can come out here to visit sometime, too. Whether it’s to see Cas or not. You’d enjoy it. _

  
_ Be home soon,  
_ _ Sam :) _


	18. Dean, Sam, and Eileen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place before chapter 15 of LTSW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be the last live scene before it switches back to letter. I hope y'all enjoy! <3
> 
> Sorry it's so short

November 21st, 2005

“Hey, Sammy, I finally got your letter and pictures in the mail,” Dean said as he walked into the house and kicked the door shut behind him. “Oh, on the couch, man?” He asked when he looked up to find Sam and Eileen heatedly making out. “You literally have your own room.”

Sam moved off of Eileen with a laugh. “Dude, I had to grow up watching you suck face basically every day. You can handle this one time,” he said, wiggling his brows. He nodded at the letter in Dean’s hand. “Just mine or did Cas send one, too?”

Dean shook his head. “Just yours. I don’t know whether to write him or wait until he’s ready to do it,” he explained. “I think it’s better to wait. I don’t need to push him. I don’t want to hurt him again.”

Sam smiled fondly. “Man, you got it bad, huh?” He teased. He laughed when Dean gave him the finger. “Alright, alright. Look, I’m proud of you for really tackling all this. Cas is… a different person, but he’s still just as sensitive. You waiting, that’s the right call.”

Sam had just gotten home a week ago and even though he had been tired then, he was too excited to tell Dean and Eileen about his trip. He wasn’t at all ashamed when the first thing he did was hug Dean tight. To his shock, Dean hugged back even tighter and Sam loved it. On the way home, Dean told Sam about his hunt for a therapist and his happiness in finally finding one, and Sam expressed how proud he was, making his older brother smile wide.

Dean smiled before holding the pictures up. “Time to look at these bad boys,” he said. He turned to Eileen, making sure he was fully facing her before speaking again. “Want to look at these with me?” He asked.

“Hell yes,” she said, standing up and going to Dean’s side. “Oh, these look really good, Sam!” She exclaimed.

Dean nodded. “It’s so green there,” Dean said, moving to the next picture. “It really looks like Guam is thriving.” He moved to the next one and his eyes softened as he saw a picture of Castiel leaning against a railing, smiling wide at the camera. “He looks… really happy. Healthy.” He stared for a while, remembering the days when Castiel would give him that exact smile.

He snapped out of his head when Eileen nudged him and he cleared his throat as he moved to the next one. This time, Sam and Castiel were standing side by side, looking out over the railing at the beautiful sunset. Dean smiled, knowing that one was going on their fridge. The next picture was Sam ringing the bell he’d mentioned in the letter and the one after was a close up picture of Sam and Castiel hugging, blinding smiles on their faces. In this picture, Castiel wasn’t wearing sunglasses like at Two Lovers Point. This picture was taken in what looked to be inside a house, Castiel’s.

“That’s a good one,” Eileen said, pointing at it. Dean nodded in agreement, smiling up at Sam. 

“You look like you had a lot of fun. I’m glad you were able to go, Sammy,” Dean said. A part of him was still envious, but that didn’t outweigh the happiness he felt for Sam being able to reconnect with his best friend. Dean counted himself lucky that he was even getting another chance to be in Castiel’s life and he wasn’t going to jeopardize that by being jealous of his brother’s friendship.

“Yeah, me too,” Sam said. Dean didn’t even realize Sam had moved beside him until his brother wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “He’s happy, Dean. A bit quieter, sure, but he’s content. And he has a lot of amazing friends over there. He’s not alone.”

Dean smiled at the thought of Castiel surrounded with friends who deserved him. Searching back in his memories, Dean couldn’t remember a time when Castiel actually spent time with anyone other than him, but it had been the same for Dean. Until high school hit and Aaron came into his life. Aaron didn’t like their close friendship and the fact that Castiel had even been his competition, so he did everything he could to prevent Dean from seeing him.

Dean shivered in disgust at the person he used to be. He didn’t deserve Castiel’s forgiveness, and he certainly didn’t deserve another chance.

“Hey,” Sam said quietly, squeezing Dean’s shoulder and bringing him back to the present. “Don’t think back. Things are going good now,” he said, knowing his brother all too well. “_ You’re _ doing good.”

Dean smiled at him and he squashed that exposed feeling he felt at having to be so open with his emotions. “Thanks, Sammy.” The three continued looking at the photos, the rest mostly of the scenery.

Dean hoped to visit one day.


	19. Dear Dean

Dec 15th, 2005

_ Dear Dean, _

_ I’d like to start off by wishing you a belated Happy Thanksgiving and an early Merry Christmas. _

_ Sam has told me that you enjoyed the pictures he took and I don’t blame you. Sam is very good with a camera and the island is very beautiful. _

_ How have you been? I keep thinking back to our phone call and would like to say that it was very nice to hear your voice again. Slowly but surely, I’ve been reading over our past notes and I couldn’t tell you why. I think it’s nice to see how things have changed so much. I try to relate back to the kid I was and I find that I can’t anymore. I’ve changed too much. It’s a wonderful feeling. _

_ Dean, I never thanked you for the wonderful memories you did give me. In your home, I felt like I had a family again. One that wasn’t broken up by a recovering alcoholic father and neglectful mother. You all made me feel welcomed and I never once regretted becoming your best friend. _

_ All our movie nights and sleepovers were the highlight of my childhood. I often think back to them and smile. So thank you for that. Truly, it meant the world to the younger me. _

_ While I never thought I’d speak to you again or actually exchange letters past a certain point, I’m surprising pleased with it. _

_ Since Sam left, I’ve spent more time writing than I normally would. I really do miss him. He has always been a wonderful friend to me. _

_ Now that I’m writing you without the original motive of wanting some closure, it seems that I’m not sure what to say and, as a result, my letter is all over the place. I apologize for all my jumbled thoughts. _

_ -Castiel _


	20. Dear Cas

January 4th, 2006

_ Dear Castiel, _

_ Merry late Christmas and Happy New year! Me, Sammy, and Elieen popped a bunch of fireworks and it was a terrific time. I always remember a little kid Sammy and it warms my heart that he’s grown up so well. I’m going to miss him a lot when he goes back to school _

_ I’ve been doing pretty good actually. I took your advice and started seeing a therapist. It was a little awkward in the beginning, but now I can open up to him without a problem. I see him more as a friend than some dude I’m paying to listen to me talk about my problems. The dude’s voice is soothing, too, so that doesn’t hurt. _

_ Right now, we’re trying to figure out the root of my problem in high school, but it’s hard to admit all the messed up things I did to someone I met a month ago. Slowly, I’m opening up more and more. Last session, I had an anxiety attack and it really threw me for a loop because I’d never had one before. _

_ I never thanked you for the wonderful times you gave me either, so I’ll say it, too. Thank you. Our friendship meant the world to me back then. With you by my side, I never felt alone. I loved having someone to talk to without any filters. Like, sure, I could talk with Sammy, but it was different with you. I could tell you absolutely anything without any hesitation and it never bothered me. _

_ It’s okay to feel a little awkward about writing letters now because I do, too. I feel like if I have nothing important to say, that you’ll lose interest and just stop. Which I wouldn’t blame you. If you’re not enjoying writing me then I would never pressure you to keep writing to me. I want you to do what makes you most comfortable, Cas. _

_ But, please, just talk about anything new that’s happened to you over the 20 days between letters, no matter how big or small. I want to know more about you and your life. I hope that wasn’t too forward. Benny said it’s good for me to talk about how I feel directly rather than trying to invalidate my own feelings. _

_ Sam misses you, too, Cas. He talks about you and the island pretty often. He wants to visit again soon, maybe late next year or something since the tickets are expensive and he’s insistent on flying first class always now. _

_ Thanks for reading, _

_ Dean _

_ P.S I don’t mean anything bad by you losing interest. I don’t think lowly of you at all. My therapist mentioned that I think so lowly of myself that I just assume people are always going to leave me. I’m trying my hardest to work on that. _


	21. Dear Dean

Jan 25th, 2006

(Your birthday was on a Sunday this year)

_ Dear Dean, _

_ Happy Birthday, Dean. _

_ I wish you many, many more. _

_ I’m glad you all had a great time during New Years; It sounds like a lot of fun. My friends came over and spent the night. My friend Cesar and his husband, Jesse, grilled burgers in the back; Meg and Kevin made of mess of the kitchen while making side dishes; Inias and Josie were on clean up duty. They didn’t let me do much since we were gathering at my house this year. Last year, we were at Meg and Josie’s so we didn’t let them do anything. We all had a wonderful time! _

_ I’m very happy to hear that you’re now seeing a therapist. I hope you’re able to discover more about yourself while also forgiving yourself of the things that happened. I’m glad you found someone like Benny. My therapists’ name is Billie. She’s a very nice woman. Her voice is also soothing. I feel like that’s a requirement for becoming a therapist! _

_ I know you did everything you could to protect Sam and to stay strong for him, but back then… I always had a feeling that you thought showing emotion was the worst and I never understood why. You don’t have to explain it to me, but I think Benny would know how to help you more if he knew about what happened. Around when I first met you in elementary school. But, of course, it’ll always be completely up to you. No one can help you other than you, Dean. I’m proud of you either way. _

_ I know I stopped writing to you last year without warning and I apologize for that. I promise it wasn’t because I “lost interest in you” or anything like that. I also promise that I won’t stop writing to you without telling you. It was unfair of me to do that, even if I was trying to protect myself. _

_ I wanted us to continue writing to see if we can restore our friendship. Back then, our friendship started because you thought I was interesting enough to come up to in the sandbox and converse, when we were six. I was just grateful that you came up to me. You were always interesting to me. I spent our entire friendship trying to prove that to you. _

_ -Castiel _


	22. Dear Cas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place before chapter 20 of LTSW

February 15th, 2006

_ Dear Cas, _

_ It sounds like you’ve made a lot of great friends and I’m really happy to hear that. Maybe I can meet them one day. _

_ I haven’t let myself think about what happened in a long time, but it’s funny… I got your letter earlier today and when I read that, I kinda laughed because I told Benny about it last week. We think alike, Cas. _

_ I didn’t think something that happened so long ago, so small, could affect me in such a huge way but the more I started talking about it… The harder it got to ignore how it messed me up. You did your best to fix that when we were younger and I never thanked you for that, but I want you to know how grateful I am. Those kids were wrong back then. There’s nothing wrong with showing emotions, Cas. We’d just lost our parents and life was different. It was a cheap shot that they would tell me to suck it up and stop being a baby. _

_ I also think it was the only time you ever showed any violence. You pushed one kid on the ground and threw sand in the other one’s eyes. I remember them crying to the teacher and you getting in trouble. I didn’t see you for a few days, but I remember thinking that you were the coolest kid ever. I thought that for a long time. I still do. _

_ It feels nice being able to talk so openly about the past, you know, _ _ before _ _ everything went down. Back when it was just you and me and Sammy against the world. You were always there for us and we tried to be there for you, but with Uncle Bobby getting sick it was sometimes hard to hang out the way we wanted to. You never complained though. You would help us with chores and getting Bobby things he needed and running errands, too, and it used to throw me off that you wanted to do these boring things with us. You could’ve been off doing whatever you wanted, but you chose tostay with us. _

_ I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. _

_ I think I spent the last of our time as friends trying to show you how much better you deserved. I never thought I was good enough for you, but I see now that that was something you needed to decide for yourself. I crossed a lot of lines back then, but I think making decisions like that for you was one of the worst. And I’m really sorry. I’m trying to do better. _

_ Thanks for reading,  
_ _ Dean _


	23. Dean and Castiel

Mar 8th, 2006

Dean’s phone startled him when it rang loudly by his head on the nightstand. He jumped and fumbled for his phone, raising a brow when he didn’t recognize the number. It was nine at night and he had just been lying in bed to pass the time until he felt sleepy.

He answered. “Hello?”

_ “You asshole, _ ” The voice said. But Dean knew that voice.

“Cas? Are you okay?” He asked.

“ _ No! I’m not okay. I got your letter. And I don’t know if you’ve forgotten what you wrote, but you basically made a life changing decision for me!” _ Castiel yelled. Dean hadn’t heard him yell in years and he suddenly felt like he was in high school again.

“Cas, I-”

“ _ Shut up, Dean. Let me talk this time _ .” Dean stayed silent, his heart pounding. Had he ruined his chance again? “ _ For years, I thought there was something wrong with me, that I did something wrong, but it turns out that what I thought I lost, I never even had to begin with. You never even tried to have a relationship with me, you never even took my love for you seriously and you honestly expect me to just continue on like what you confessed means absolutely nothing?! How dare you… How  _ dare _ you! I loved you more than anything and you knew that. You… I can’t believe you thought- I mean, I  _ should’ve _ known! Ha, I knew you better than anyone.  _ I-I... _ ” _ Dean could hear Castiel’s heavy breathing, he could hear him struggling. Beginning to hyperventilate.

“Cas. Cas, I know you’re pissed off at me and you have every reason to be, but listen… I need you to take deep breaths. Follow my breathing. In… Out… In… Out… Yeah, that’s good. One more. In… Out…”

There was a long pause, Dean’s heart pounding in his chest, before Castiel spoke. “I-I’m so sorry, Dean. I didn’t mean to explode at you. I-I shouldn’t have even called.”

Dean shook his head before he realized Castiel couldn’t see. “No, don’t be sorry. I did something really shitty, a lot of shitty things, and you’re right to be angry. Hell, I’m angry at me, too. Because of my stupidity, I lost my best friend. I can’t go back and change that,” he said.

“ _ Don’t do that. Don’t remind me of the you I loved _ .” Dean’s heart skipped and he swallowed what he was going to say.

“There’s still a lot we have to talk about, Cas,” he says instead.

“ _ There is. _ ”

“...Are we going to make it?” Dean asked, hoping he wasn’t crossing a line.

“ _ I don’t know _ ,” Castiel answered.

Dean hesitated for a moment before speaking,  _ “ _ You’re wrong, by the way. I always took you seriously, but I can see how you wouldn’t think that. I did a lot of really stupid things, Cas, but I’m bettering myself. I can’t explain why I did things the way I did, but I can learn from them and I am.” Dean paused before laughing softly. “I damn near pissed myself hearing you yelling at me. I felt like a teen again,” he said.

To his surprise, Castiel chuckled. “ _ Yeah, I did, too. I haven’t yelled like that in years. _ ” Castiel sighed. “ _ It’s hard to move on from this, Dean. It will probably take a while and doing it through letters probably isn’t helping. Talking on the phone will get too expensive after a while, so… How about one of us makes a trip? _ ”

Dean’s heart sped up. “You… You  _ want _ to see me, Cas?” He asked.

“ _ I don’t know, but I do know that we’re never going to get anywhere if we don’t talk face to face, _ ” Castiel answered.

“Look, I get what you’re saying, but I also don’t think it’s a good idea if you’re not sure. I don’t want you to force yourself to do something. How about you think on it and let me know,” Dean suggested. “We don’t have to write to each other until you decide what’s best. I don’t want to mess this up, Cas. I can’t… do that again. Can’t lose you,” he said, clearing his throat and trying to fight the heat on his cheeks.

A pause. “ _ I think I’ll do that. I’ll call you _ ,” Castiel said. “ _ Thank you for understanding, Dean. _ ”

“Yeah, of course. Thank you for calling.”

Castiel laughed. “ _ Even if it were to bite your head off? _ ”

Dean laughed with him. “Yeah, even then. It’s always nice to hear your voice.”

The next time Castiel spoke, Dean could hear the smile in his voice. “ _ Goodbye, Dean. _ ”

“See ‘ya, Cas.”

_ Click _ .

Dean laid there, a smile on his face, but worry in his heart. He really didn’t deserve Castiel, but he tried to step on that feeling and crush it. He just got his ass handed to him because of that exact feeling. He wasn’t going to let it ruin his life again. Whether he thought he deserved Castiel or not, he was going to fight for him. Like he should’ve all those years ago.


	24. Dear Dean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place after chapter 23 of LTSW

May 25th, 2006

_ Dear Dean, _

_ To answer your last letter, that time in elementary wasn’t my biggest moment, but I don’t regret it at all. I remember how good it felt to stand up for you even though we hardly knew each other. You were grieving and they were interrupting that process; it was wrong. I don’t think I was very cool though, but thank you thinking that. _

_ I’d have rather been with you, caring for Sam and Bobby, than doing whatever else kids did back then. You were my best friend, Dean. I always wanted to be with you, no matter what we were doing. Support was something you all needed most and I was more than happy to provide that. Being at your home helped me cope with my childhood as well. It gave me something happy to look back on. And when I lost my father, you and Sam were there to pick me up. When you lost Bobby, I did my best to do the same for you both. I don’t know how much help I actually was in that situation though. _

_ I’ve thought a lot about us meeting face to face and I can say with certainty that I would like to do that, if you’d still be interested. If so, there’s more we have to discuss. Such as, who is going where and when? For how long? If it makes it easier, perhaps I could call you and we can iron out the details that way? _

_ I’m a bit nervous, but also looking forward to seeing you again and finally closing that chapter of our lives. It’ll be a good thing. _

_ -Castiel _


	25. Dear Cas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place after chapter 24 of LTSW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An update in honor of MCR reuniting, something many people didn't have hope for since their split in 2013! Hope y'all enjoy this chapter! Very short, but next chapter will be a phone call so I hope someone is looking forward to that <3

June 14th, 2006

_ Dear Cas, _

_ It would definitely be better if you called me, so that way we can make plans a bit quicker and maybe plan for a time at the end of the year. _

_ I’ll be waiting for your call. _

_ Also, I still think you’re really cool. Thanks for giving me another chance to be in your life. _

_ Thanks for reading,  
_ _ Dean. _


	26. Dean and Castiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place before chapter 25 of LTSW.  
Phone call between the two and then four! Plans are made!
> 
> Thanks for reading, hope y'all enjoy!

July 5th, 2006

Dean’s phone rang loudly from his pocket while he, Sam, and Eileen were eating dinner. Dean made his famous burgers and he was almost upset that someone would call and interrupt meal time. He wiped his hands on his napkin and pulled his phone out, his breath catching when he saw who it was.

“Who is it?” Sam asked before taking another bite of his burger.

“It’s Cas. He must’ve got my letter today,” he said. “I’m gonna take this outside. Y’all enjoy.” Sam nodded at him and Eileen smiled when she saw him move, nodding when Dean told her he was accepting a call.

“Tell him I said hi,” Sam said.

“Will do!” Dean called out before closing the back door behind him and answering the call. “Hello?” He felt oddly nervous for some reason. When it came to Castiel, he felt himself get nervous a lot.

“ _ Hello, Dean. How are you _ ?” He said. Dean couldn’t help but smile, happy that Castiel was in his life again.

“I’m doing great, Cas. How about you? How’s the book coming along?” Dean asked, leaning against the railing of their back porch.

“ _ I’ve hit a roadblock, but I’m not stressing about it. I’m ahead of schedule anyways, so it shouldn’t be a problem. I’ve, um, called to discuss arrangements. Have you decided if you’d like to make a trip over here? If you did, I was thinking all three of you could come _ .”

“It sounds like a lot of fun. I think getting out of Texas would be good for me, but…” He paused, hesitating.

“ _ Flying, right? _ ”

Dean swallowed. “Yeah. Not a big fan of it, but if it’s to see you and have that talk then I-I think I can do that,” he said, voice low. Dean had never had the desire to even go into an airport, but he was willing to do it for Castiel. “How long is the flight?”

“ _ Let’s say sixteen hours in total, just to be safe. But that’s not including stops. It’s okay if you don’t want to, Dean. I could go instead. You don’t live in… town anymore, right? You live in Austin? _ ” Castiel asked.

“Yeah. I don’t live there anymore. But no, I want to do this. I’m ready to fly. You shouldn’t come back here before you’re ready, even if it is to Austin,” Dean said, clearing his throat. “You should to do it on your own terms.”

“ _ ...Thank you, Dean. That means a lot to me. Knowing that you understand and that you accept it makes me very happy. The old you would’ve told me to suck it up _ ,” Castiel said, chuckling. 

Dean couldn’t help but wince because he knew Castiel was right. “Yeah, well, that Dean was always a dick,” he laughed. “I like who I am now.”

“ _ I do, too. _ ” A pause. “ _ So what month were you thinking about coming? _ ”

“Hold on. Let me ask Sammy,” Dean said. He went back into the house and saw the couple still eating dinner. “Hey, guys,” he said, the phone still to his ear. Sam looked up at him, his hand instinctively tapping Eileen’s hand to call her attention. “Cas wants to know when we’re going to see him.”

The smile Sam gave him made Dean smile just as wide. “We’re going to him? Yes! Dean, man, I’m so proud of you!”

Eileen got up and gave him a hug. “I’m proud of you, too,” she said.

Dean blushed, returning the hug. “Thanks.” He kissed her head. “I’ll put him on speaker. Sam, do you want to translate?”

Sam shook his head. “No, I don’t think I’m ready for it. I don’t want to mess it up.”

Dean punched him on the shoulder lightly. “I’ll get it this time, but you try it next time, okay?” He asked. Sam nodded. “Cas, I’m gonna put you on speaker, okay? So Sam can hear you, too. Is that okay?” He asked.

“ _ Yes, that’s okay. _ ” Dean clicked the speaker button and set it on the table.

“Okay, you’re here with me, Sammy, and Eileen,” Dean said. They all took their seats again and Dean made sure to face Eileen in his seat.

“ _ Hello, everyone. Sam, I really missed you and it’s wonderful to meet you, Eileen _ ,” he said. Dean was nervous, but he was happy he signed everything correctly.

“Hey, Cas! I can’t believe we’re gonna be going over there! I miss everyone there,” Sam said, a bright smile on his face.

“It’s nice to meet you, too, Cas,” Eileen said, her chin resting on her palm.

“What if we went there for your birthday?” Sam asked, looking up at Dean.

“That’s a couple of months away. Do you think that would be enough time?” He asked. “Depending on when we leave, we’ll have to make sure all our bills are paid, but I think that’s about it. I have enough money in our savings to get both of us a ticket, but it won’t be first class. How about you, Eileen?”

“I’ll have to check my own savings, but I should have enough, too. But definitely not first class. Are you sure you want me to come?” She asked all three of them, feeling a little small in her seat.

“ _ Eileen, I’d really love to meet you, so if you’d like to then please come. And I don’t want any of you worrying about tickets. Since this was my idea, I want to pay for all of you. First class and everything, _ ” Castiel said.

“Cas, we couldn’t let you do that,” Dean said. “We’ll be fine flying coach or whatever it’s called.”

“Dean’s right, Cas. That’s  _ a lot  _ of money.”

“ _ How about this, let me pay for the tickets and all three of you can pay for the groceries we’ll be using while you’re all here. No matter how long it is _ ,” he suggested. Dean and Sam looked at each other before looking at Eileen to see what she thought and, if they were being honest, to lead the way.

She rolled her eyes fondly. “That sounds like a better plan, Cas. Thank you. Boys, thank Castiel,” she said.

“Thanks, Cas,” Dean said, a blush on his cheeks.

“Yeah, Cas. Thanks. This means a lot to us,” Sam said, putting his arm around Eileen shoulders. “So if we want to do it for his birthday, then we should go a week ahead and stay for about a month, like I did last year?”

“What do you think, Cas? It’ll be you opening your home to us, after all.”

“ _ Yes, Dean, that’ll be great. I need to go buy another bedding set. I don’t have one in the third bedroom. Dean, do you have a preference? _ ” Castiel asked. Dean felt his entire face become hot.

“A-ah, no. Anything is okay with me,” Dean replied. He chose to ignore the smirk Sam was giving him.

“ _ I’ll book your tickets in a couple of days. Would you rather go through South Korea or Hawaii?” _ Dean blinked a few times. He never thought he’d have to make a choice like that.

“I really liked going through Seoul. There was a lot of cool things there,” Sam said. “Eileen? What do you think?”

“South Korea sounds awesome!” She exclaimed. Both brothers smiled at how excited she sounded.

“Well, I guess that answers that. Thank you again, Cas,” Dean said.

“ _ Of course. Dean, please give me your email so I can send you the tickets when they’re ordered. _ ”

Dean hesitated and cleared his throat before he reluctantly mumbled his email. “It’s, um… Impala67 at rocketmail dot com,” he said. “The I is capitalized.” Dean glared at Sam when the younger brother burst out into a fit of laughter.

“Seriously, dude? You’re obsessed!” Sam laughed.

“Shut up, Sammy! She’s a beauty and you know it!” Dean argued, his face burning with embarrassment yet he couldn’t hold his smile back. He smiled bigger when he heard Castiel laughing as well.

“ _ Okay, I’ll send you everything there. I should let you all go now, _ ” Castiel said. “ _ Inias is coming over to watch a movie and we’ll probably bake something as well. You know him, Sam. The sweet tooth on him is honestly impressive _ .”

“Oh, God, he would eat sweets all day if it weren’t for y’all keeping him on a proper diet,” Sam laughed. “Tell him I said hi and give him a big hug for me. Don’t tell anyone I’m going! I want it to be a surprise!”

“ _ My lips are sealed. I’ll talk to you all soon. Eileen, it was a pleasure, again. I look forward to meeting you in person _ .”

“Thank you, Cas! I’m excited to meet you, too,” she replied. After quick goodbyes, they hung up. “He seems really nice.”

“Oh, he’s the greatest! You’re gonna love him,” Sam said, kissing her cheek which caused her to giggle. Dean looked at them with fondness in his eyes before suddenly coming to his senses.

“Oh, my god! I’m gonna be on a  _ plane _ going to the other side of the  _ world _ ! I have to get everything ready. Get the time off of work when Monday comes around and start thinking about what to pack. Oh, man, what should I get him for his birthday?” Dean said, very obviously freaking out.

Sam smirked. “Flustered, huh? Cas isn’t picky. Just get him something you think he’d like! Or… you could make him another mixtape,” he teased. Dean perked up.

“Yeah, I could do that!” Dean said. “Wait, no, that’s way too intimate. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. Maybe I’ll… get him something during our stop in Korea?” He suggested.

Sam chuckled. “Yeah, let’s do that instead. We’ll probably find some awesome things there. They have a huge tea selection and Cas loves that stuff.”

“Good thinking, Sammy. Let’s finish dinner. It’s cold, but whatever. It still tastes good,” he said, a proud smile on his face for his cooking.

The three went back to finishing their dinner and even though Dean was nervous as could be, he was excited to see Castiel again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: The email in the story is not valid


	27. Dear Cas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the delay in my updating!They'll be pretty scattered for the next few weeks. Recently, I got a terrible infection in my throat that spread to my ear. In barely a day, my ear drum ruptured so I've just been trying to recover. This has never happened to me before so I've been pretty terrfied, but I'm okay! Hope y'all enjoy this chapter!

July 15th, 2006

_ Dear Cas, _

_ Sorry it’s taken me awhile to write back. I’ve been extremely busy getting everything ready for Sam and Eileen and working extra hours to double my pay so I have spending cash for souvenirs and stuff. I thought I was going to be really nervous about the flight, and maybe it just hasn’t hit me yet, but I’m not. I’m really calm. I like to think it’s because I’m going to see you again that I feel so at ease about it all and because I’ll be travelling with my family. _

_ Sam has been really excited about seeing you again, it’s all he talks about and it’s really nice to see him so happy. I’m glad you’re back in each other’s lives again. He’s talking about how much I’m going to love all your friends if I get to meet them and how much they’re all going to love me. I sure hope they like me! _

_ I know it’s maybe too late to ask since you’ve already bought the tickets and everything, but I just want to make sure you’re really okay with this? I know that you know yourself best, but I still wanted to ask. I hope I’m not overstepping by asking. _

_ Thanks for reading,  
_ _ Dean _


	28. Dear Dean

August 4th, 2006

_ Dear Dean, _

_ Don’t apologize! I understand how busy travelling makes somebody and seeing as you’re essentially packing for three and working more, I’d say you definitely have your hands full. _

_ It is very thoughtful of you to still ask if I am okay with everything and my answer hasn’t changed: I’m positive that this is what I want. _

_ More than anything though, I’m very happy to hear that you’re so calm! Even now, I still get nervous before a flight so you’re already doing better than me. _

_ I’m very excited to see Sam again, and to meet Eileen… I’m also excited to see you, too, Dean. Truly. We have much to talk about and I look forward to it. No matter what happens, I want both of us to be able to close that chapter. I want us to look ahead without any guilt or worries or sorrow. _

_ I think my friends will enjoy your company as much as they enjoy Sam’s, so no need to worry about that! Truth be told, my friends are very protective of me but they know I can handle myself. They know what happened between us and they know you’re Sam’s older brother, but they will not judge you by who you used to be. All of them have gone through something significant and they, too, have changed themselves into better people. They aren’t one to throw stones. No worries, Dean. You are different and I’m thankful to be able to experience it alongside your family. _

_ -Castiel _


	29. Dear Cas

Aug 25th, 2006

_ Dear Cas, _

_ It’s really awesome being able to talk to you again. I never thought I’d get the chance and I never thought I’d even deserve it, but I’m gonna do my damn best! _

_ I’m a little nervous for the flight, but I think that’s just because I’m afraid of forgetting something? I don’t think I am though. I made a checklist for every one and we have everything ready for when it’s time for us to pack. All we have left to do is wait for Sam to finish his tests. He’s going to do so great on those tests, I know he is. He’s such a smart kid, Cas. I’m so proud of him every day. _

_ Eileen has been staying at our house the past couple of weeks because Sam was here, but she’s staying even when he isn’t. I don’t mind it at all! She’s like a sister to me. I was talking to her about moving in since she doesn’t really use her apartment all that much with work and spending time with Sam and coming over here for dinner to keep me company, so I thought it would be nice! I talked about it with Sam and he was definitely on board, so I’ll let you know how it goes. _

_ I trust you. If you say your friends will accept me, then I definitely believe you. I can’t wait to meet them, Cas. I’m pretty sure this will be the last letter between us, so I guess the next time we talk will be in person! Honestly, I’m not sure how to greet you. Like a wave, a handshake, a smile, a pat on the shoulder, a hug? I don’t want to cross any lines, so it’ll be up to you! I’ll go along with whatever you feel most comfortable doing.  _

_ I can’t wait to see you, Cas. _

_ Thanks for reading,  
_ _ Dean _


	30. Castiel, Dean, Sam and Eileen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel and Eileen finally meet and he comes face to face with Dean again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so fun to write. It's a slow pace chapter, but it definitely fits the tone. I'm not sure how many live scenes will take place. This is not beta'd, all mistakes are mine. I hope y'all enjoy this chapter! I did my best to make it the best I could.

September 13th, 2006 3:30 a.m.

Guam’s airport was very confusing, especially very late at night when there was barely enough employees to guide someone in need. The best thing to do was to make sure you’re not the first one off the plane, so you can follow the crowd. Castiel had been very confused when he first got here and he didn’t have anyone to pick him up for a few hours. All flights coming from stateside arrived very late at night. Everyone was very nice though, so Castiel had talked and became friends with a few of the employees here while waiting for a taxi to pick him up at around 6:30 a.m.

When you get off the plane and follow the signs to the baggage claim, there was a security check to ask you why you were visiting. Next, you walk for a few more minutes to get your bags and then get in another line to, once again, show your passport and state why you’re visiting the island and if you’re military. Finally, you can step out to where Castiel is now currently waiting. It was a hassle when you’re alone and exhausted from travelling, but it was worth it once morning came. The island is magnificently green, trees and all kinds of flowers blooming, and the water never bluer with the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks surrounding certain parts of the island like music to your ears.

Castiel looked at his watch, sighing softly and trying to calm his pounding heart down. He was very nervous, but the thought of seeing Sam again managed to calm him quite a bit. He peered around the pillar he was leaning against to check on his car just for something to do.

“Cas!” His head snapped in the direction of the voice and his face nearly split with his smile. It was Sam, behind him Elieen. He couldn’t see Dean yet. Castiel pushed off the wall and beelined for Sam, laughing loudly when the taller man pulled him into a tight hug and lifted him off the ground just a bit. “Man, I missed you, Cas.”

Castiel hugged him tighter until Sam put him back down. “I missed you, too, Sam,” he said, kissing the man’s cheek. “I’m glad you’re back for a bit.”

Sam patted his shoulder. “Me, too.” Sam turned and pulled Eileen against his side. “Let me introduce you, officially, to my girlfriend, Eileen,” Sam said. Castiel smiled at the short woman and introduced himself with sign language.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Eileen,” he said. “Is it okay if I give you a hug?”

“Of course!” She said, pulling him into a nearly bone-crushing hug. He returned it, smiling up at Sam from her shoulder. “It’s so nice to finally meet you! I can’t wait to get to know you more.”

Castiel blushed. “Thank you! The feeling is definitely mutual. Sam is a wonderful man, so I have no doubt that the person who has his heart is just as wonderful,” he said truthfully. This time, both Eileen and Sam blushed. “So, um,” he said, clearing his throat. “Where’s Dean? Did he get caught up with security?” He asked.

Sam shook his head. “No, he’s just waiting for his bag. It was a full flight, so there’s still a lot of people waiting. Eileen and I got lucky.”

Castiel took out his keys. “Would you like to put your things in the car? I can wait here for him,” he offered. Admittedly, he wanted their meeting to be private. He wanted that moment to stay between them. Sam seemed to sense that and nodded, grabbing the keys from Castiel.

“Sure. Where’re you parked?” He asked.

“Line 5. Only truck there, last I saw,” Castiel replied, a small smile on his face. “Hopefully it won’t be much longer. You all must be exhausted.”

“I was, but seeing you gave me a boost of energy!” Sam said, lightly bumping his shoulder against Castiel’s. Eileen stood next to Sam, smiling quietly at their friendship. “Jeez, I’m such a softie. We’ll be waiting for you in the car.” Castiel waved as Sam took their bags and they walked to Castiel’s car.

He watched them walk away until they got to the car to make sure they made it okay. Guam wasn’t dangerous, at least no more than anywhere else, but it was just in Castiel’s nature to worry for his loved ones.

“Cas?” Castiel jumped at the voice so close to him. He spun around to face Dean, his breath catching when his eyes landed on the other man’s face. Dean’s eyes were still as green as ever, and his skin tone tanned which somehow made his freckles stand out even more. His face had matured, growing into its masculine features that had been waiting to sprout since they were kids. It had only been seven years since he’d seen Dean face to face, but it looked to be so much longer.

Castiel let out a small smile. “Hello, Dean,” he said. In Dean’s last letter, he said he wasn’t sure how to greet Castiel and Castiel thought he’d had enough time to decide. Right now, nothing seemed to fit.

“Where are Sam and Eileen?” Dean asked, returning the smile. He was standing there as if he was waiting for something. Truthfully, so was Castiel, but the ball was in his court. He’d have to be the one to do something.

Castiel nodded towards the door. “I let them take their things to the car already. Eileen looks so exhausted. How… How was the flight?” He asked, trying to keep eye contact with Dean while also trying not to seem too eager. He paused, then shook his head. No. They weren’t in high school anymore. No one was here to judge him for anything he did anymore. There wasn’t going to be rumors spread about him. That part of his life was over.

“Oh, man, it was pretty… terrifying?” Dean said, searching for the right word. “Yeah, but then I was okay. First class was pretty awesome. Thank you again for that,” he said. “Were you waiting here long?”

Castiel shook his head. “I got here about an hour ago.” They stood in silence for a little while, just staring at one another before looking away. Finally, Castiel took a deep breath and stepped forward. “It’s wonderful to see you again, Dean,” he said as he pulled the other man against him and hugged him tightly. He shut his eyes tightly over Dean’s shoulder to push the images of everyone’s judgmental looks out of his head, from when they were in high school. No one at this airport cared. No one knew of them or their past.

Despite their falling out years ago that left Castiel heartbroken, he could never stop himself from missing the profound friendship he and Dean had shared. It had been such a huge part of his life, and it still is. Hugging Dean now, to Castiel, felt both deeply familiar, like they had never fought and drifted, and like they were also meeting again for the first time as children. Castiel sagged with relief, not realizing he’d been tense for so long despite finding contentment in his life years earlier.

After only a bit of hesitation, Dean hugged back tighter. “Yeah, Cas. It really is.” They hugged for a while before pulling away, smiles on their faces.

“Let’s get you all home,” Castiel said. He reached down and picked up Dean’s bag. “You must be very spent. Flying is draining.”

“Oh, you don’t have to take that.”

“It’s no problem. Let’s go,” he said as he started walking towards his vehicle.

“It’s pretty humid here, but it feels just like Texas,” Dean said.

Castiel chuckled. “Don’t let that fool you. If you plan on going for a walk, be prepared to sweat much more than you would in Texas. The humidity here is a lot higher.” Castiel opened the back and put Dean’s bag in there. When he glanced into the car, Sam and Eileen were in the backseat, their heads leaning against one another as Castiel’s classical music played softly out of the speakers.

“I guess I’m riding shotgun,” Dean said, chuckling at the cute couple fast asleep. When they both got in, they smiled at each other.

“It’s about a thirty minute or so drive to my home. If you need to stop somewhere or anything, just let me know,” Castiel explained as he pulled out of the parking space and made his way out of the airport lot.

“Thanks,” Dean said, looking all around.

“There’s not a lot to see right now, but it’ll be much different during the day. I do have to ask you to do your best with avoiding the bugs. There’s a lot, but they really don’t bother you if you don’t bother them,” Castiel explained.

“It still looks nice,” Dean said. “Honestly, I don’t think it’s hit me yet that I’m on a small island on the other side of the world from my home yet.”

Castiel laughed softly. “I still feel like that sometimes. Unless I’m buying fresh meat.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, it’s all imported, so when you buy any fresh meat you have to make sure to either use it that day or pretty much the day after or it’ll spoil. But there’s also a lot of different foods here, too. It’s a pretty diverse place. In fact, I live down the road to a Japanese school and a few minutes away is the Chinese School of Guam,” Castiel said. The good thing about flights coming in so late is the lack of traffic. It makes the drive much easier.

“That’s really cool. So are there any cool spots here? I saw y’all’s pictures from Two Lovers Point, but are there more like it?”

“Definitely! There are many places, but the most popular one is Tamuning, which is where Two Lovers Point also is. But there’s an aquarium, a zoo, boat rides and things like that. We’ll probably head over there at some point during this trip.”

“Yeah,” Dean said. “That would be sweet!” He yawned.

“You can sleep.”

Dean shook his head. “I’d rather talk to you.” Castiel was caught off guard by how open Dean was being with his feelings. He wasn’t used to it, but he was happy to experience it.

“Your body is exhausted. We’ll talk more tomorrow when you get up,” Castiel assured him with a smile. Dean stared at him for a moment.

“You look so… mature,” Dean said quietly. “Not that you weren’t before or anything. I just mean that, well, it’s been years since I’ve seen you and…-” He sighed, cutting himself off before he really embarrassed himself.

Castiel laughed, giving Dean a small smile. “Thank you, Dean,” he said. “Your features are also very mature now.” Castiel smiled wider when he saw Dean visibly relax. “I really hope you like the bedsheets I picked out for your room.”

“I’m not very picky, Cas. After all, I’m only here for a month. I hope I’m not being nosy or anything, but how many rooms do you have in your house? It’s a house, right?” Dean asked, leaning his head back against the headrest as he stared at Castiel.

“Yes, it’s a house. It’s the first thing I bought when my first book took off, along with a plane ticket,” he chuckled. “It has four bedrooms and two and a half baths. The backyard is very big and the porch is also spacious.”

“Does it ever get lonely being in a huge house like that?” Dean questioned quietly, suddenly feeling sad at the thought of Castiel sitting alone in his home when he needs someone next to him.

Castiel shrugged. “Not really. At least, not anymore. My friends Jesse and Cesar live down the road and visit me often. And every week or so, one or two of my other friends will stay with me for a few days. We all really take care of each other.” Castiel smiled at the thought of his best friends. He never knew a group of friends could be as close as they were. Before them, Castiel had only ever been close with the Winchesters, but he was on his own for a while before meeting Inias. He got used to being alone, but he really loves his friends’ company.

“I’m really glad you have friends like that, Cas,” Dean replied, a soft and gentle smile on his face.

“I am, too. I hadn’t had that since you and Sam. It took awhile to get here, but I wouldn’t trade a second of it,” Castiel replied.

“You’re so… different and yet also still the Castiel I knew. I-I don’t think I’m making sense.”

“No, you are. I feel the same about you. You’ve been working very hard on bettering yourself and opening up more and it’s really shown. I’m extremely proud of you, Dean.” They shared a quick smile. They sat in silence for a while and when Castiel glanced back at Dean, the other man was fast asleep, mouthing hanging open with a small dribble of drool threatening to slip out of the corner. Castiel chuckled. It was just like Dean.

Castiel parked in front of his home and shut the car off. He looked over at Dean and smiled softly at the small snores coming from him, reminding him of the sound he used to fall asleep to at sleepovers so long ago. It was comforting. Castiel looked back at Sam and Eileen, his heart practically leaping out of his chest at how beautiful the sight was.

Sam isn’t that much younger than he and Dean, but he watched Sam grow up. He spent a great deal of time with him growing up and seeing him doing so well in school and with love was absolutely heartwarming. Castiel couldn’t think of anyone who deserves it more.

“Everyone, we’re home,” he said, shaking both Dean and Sam the best he could from that angle. Sam stirred first, sitting up with a deep inhale and tired eyes peering around which caused Eileen to wake.

“I’m up! I’m awake,” he said. Castiel chuckled.

“How was your nap?” Castiel asked.

“So good I could do it again.” And Castiel laughed.

“Not too long now. We can get your things tomorrow if you want to just go straight to bed?”

“Yeah, let’s do that. I think I can only make it to the bed,” Sam answered, covering his mouth to yawn. He kissed Eileen’s forehead. “Ready to go sleep for a week?” He asked her.

“Make it two,” she said and they got out of the car together to stretch.

Castiel looked over to Dean, who hadn’t even moved. He shook him again, a little harder. He knew from past experience that Dean was difficult to wake up when he was plain exhausted. “Dean, come on,” he said. “We’re home. There’s a bed in there with your name on it.”

Dean finally moved and sat up, wiping his face from the drool that had pooled on his shoulder. “Oh god, that’s embarrassing,” Dean huffed, his face red.

Castiel wanted to roll his eyes. “Dean, please. We grew up together,” he said. He didn’t want to outright say that, after sleeping with Dean, his fluids didn’t exactly bother him, but he hoped he implied it enough. Dean had nothing to be embarrassed about. Castiel drooled quite a bit in his sleep as well. A lot of people did.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Thanks.” Dean opened the door and got out, Castiel followed suit after a few seconds, a smile on his face. He headed to the door, Sam following closely behind him with Eileen in tow and Dean yawning behind them.

“Is our room the same as the one I had last time?” Sam asked as Castiel unlocked his door and stepped inside.

“Yes. I put a new comforter on. I hope you both like it,” he answered. He pulled Sam in for another hug. “It’s amazing to see you again, Sam. I’ll have breakfast made for everyone in the morning. Or maybe lunch if no one gets up by eleven.”

Sam hugged him tight. “Sounds good, Cas. I’ll cook breakfast tomorrow morning. I know you really like that spinach omelette I made last time.” They pulled away. Castiel turned to Eileen and leaned in and kissing her cheek.

“I hope you have a comfortable night here. If you need anything at all, let me know. My room is upstairs on the left,” he said, smiling happily at her.

“Thank you. We’ll see you later today,” she said, giving him a loving smile in return. Sam led her away to their room.

“Um, so I’m a little awake now,” Dean said, snapping Castiel out of his thoughts.

Castiel grinned. “Great. You can help me bring the bags in,” he said, moving towards the door again. He was expecting Dean to complain, but found himself pleasantly surprised when Dean agreed happily. He had to remind himself that this Dean was different.

“So have you hit another breakthrough in your book?” Dean asked.

“Well, sort of. I’m getting a bit more and more out each day, but definitely not as much as I was before. I’ll get there.”

“Can I ask what this one is about?”

“I mean, you can, but I won’t answer. My process is to not reveal a single detail, not even to my editor until she gets the third draft.”

“I get it. I remember that from back then. Oh, I’ve been meaning to ask, have you ever thought about doing a book series?”

“Well,” Castiel started. “I’ve definitely thought about it, but I’m not sure. After this next book is published, I’m actually going to be going on a book tour. I hadn’t before, but I figure it’s time. I honestly don’t know how my books have been selling so well without me going around and advertising,” Castiel said, laughing softly to himself. “My publisher tells me that book signings are really in demand, so I guess that made the decision easier. But it’s going to delay the start of my next book.”

They walked back into the house with all the bags and set them near the front door. When Dean hadn’t answered, Castiel looked back at him. Dean was smiling so fondly at him that he felt his heart thump.

“I’m seriously real proud of you, Cas,” Dean said softly.

Castiel returned the smile. “Thank you, Dean. That means a lot to me.” A pause. “Let me show you to your room, okay? It’s over here. I took the liberty of putting it a little bit away from Sam because I know he talks in his sleep and since Eileen is here, well, you know,” Castiel explained, a grin in his voice as he lead Dean down the hall towards the back of the house. “Here is one of the restrooms. Um, I didn’t know if you wanted a room up here or upstairs. If you don’t feel comfortable in there, just let me know and we can try out the other one upstairs. And if you happen to need me for anything at all, my room is up there on the left.”

“Okay. Thank you, Cas,” Dean said. Castiel opened the door and turned on the light.

“I know you won’t be here for too long, but please make it feel like home as much as you’d like. I’ll give you a better tour tomorrow,” Castiel said, squeezing Dean’s shoulder comfortingly.

Dean gave him a smile. “Thank you. Again. This is great. The, um, bedding is nice, too, by the way. I know you were probably nervous about that, but I like it,” he said.

“I’m glad. Get some sleep and I’ll see you tomorrow when you wake up.” They smiled at each other one last time before Castiel headed upstairs to his room.

Despite his pounding heart, sleep came to him almost instantly. It was the best sleep he’d gotten in a while.


	31. Castiel, Dean, and Sam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd, all mistakes are mine! Hope y'all enjoy! Please let me know <3
> 
> You'll notice that I use the term 'Halcyon Days', and the definition is in the notes at the end if there's anyone who is unfamiliar with the term :))

September 13th, 2006 10:15 a.m

When Dean woke up, he felt odd. It took a few moments for him to remember where he was and why; he smiled but his heart also dropped. He was nervous. What if Castiel didn’t think he was good enough and would never speak to Dean again? While Dean had a hard time believing Castiel would ever do that, he wouldn’t blame the man if that’s exactly what happened. Dean had been a complete shithead back in high school and even though time had gone by and he’d changed, he still felt like he wasn’t good enough for someone as amazing as Castiel.

He sat up and checked his watch. It was ten in the morning. He was surprised at being awake so early, but his body just felt like it should be up. Dean sighed and popped his back before sitting up and kicking the blankets off of him. The bedding Castiel had gotten was very soft and warm, not the mention the mixture of blues the design was. It looked like  _ Starry Night _ , but with different hues of blue.

Dean’s first instinct was to check his phone, but he actually smiled when he realized he didn’t need to worry about it. He made his way out to the living room and was surprised to see Castiel reading a book. With the layout of Castiel’s home, the hallway was behind him while his chair faced the balcony. The blinds were open and Dean’s breath caught at the sight of all the green.

“That’s a beautiful view,” he said to Castiel, before immediately apologizing for scaring the man. “I’m sorry, Cas.”

Castiel smiled at him after realizing who it was. “That’s all right. I’m used to being alone in the mornings, so I was just caught off guard.” A pause. “I’m surprised you’re up already. If memory serves me right, you sleep until noon when you don’t have anything to do,” Castiel inquired.

Dean blushed, shrugging his shoulders. “I just felt like I should be up. I opened my eyes and I was wide awake. Are Sam and Eileen still asleep?” He asked, looking around the living room as if they were hiding in plain sight.

“Yes, they’re asleep. Are you hungry?” Dean’s stomach growled loudly. “I’ll make some breakfast. Pancakes, bacon, and eggs, right?” Castiel asked.

“You remembered,” Dean said. Castiel didn’t answer, but he did smile and Dean was going to take it. He sat on the couch next to Castiel’s recliner and studied the decorations on the walls. From a bookshelf completely filled to photos of Castiel and his friends, and little knick knacks that he was sure Castiel had found randomly and decided to keep. Dean knew he grew weird attachments to different objects, but it was something he’d always loved about him.

“Of course. You only had it for breakfast every weekend of your adolescent life,” Castiel chuckled. “I doubt your tastes have changed.” Dean agreed, keeping silent as he watched Castiel work. He smiled when Castiel turned on his radio and The Beatles started playing.

“Still your favorite band?” Dean asked.

“I don’t think it could ever change. It reminds me of my childhood, after my dad stopped drinking and we would listen to their records all the time. We’d talk about everything,” Castiel said. He knew Dean knew all of this, but it helped to talk about his dad sometimes.

“From the times I met him, he seemed like a really good guy,” Dean replied.

Castiel smiled to himself as he nodded. “He really was. I miss him deeply all the time.”

“Yeah, mine, too. I don’t… really remember too much, but what I do remember is really nice. They’re good memories and I’m grateful to have gotten that with my parents.”

Castiel looked at him. “Yeah, I’m glad you got that, too. And with Bobby as well. He was really awesome,” Castiel said.

“Yeah, he really was,” Dean said softly, his mind wandering back to the memories he had of Bobby. Bobby had been really good to them despite being sick. He always spent time with them, but he also made sure Dean knew how to take care of himself and Sam; It wasn’t ideal considering how young Dean was when he started taking on all these responsibilities, but Dean never held any resentment towards him. Bobby was sick for years and he passed on when Dean was sophomore. Bobby’s ex-wife would take care of them until Dean turned eighteen, a few months before graduation, and they moved back into Bobby’s old house.

The house was completely paid off, but they didn’t live there anymore. When Sam moved away for college, Dean moved into an apartment with Lisa. He rented it out to the Harvelle’s, people he’d known his whole life, and trusted them to take care of it. The house they lived in now, in Austin, was where they belonged. He didn’t want to go back to their small town. There was nothing for him there, other than Charlie who taught at their old high school as a computer teacher and the Harvelle’s.

“I did a little bit of grocery shopping, but I wasn’t sure what everyone liked. We can go later today or tomorrow,” Castiel said. “Unfortunately, things are a bit expensive here since everything is imported, so if you ever need any help with it or anything, let me know. I don’t mind at all.”

“I’m sure we’ll be okay, but thanks, Cas,” Dean replied. Between the money Dean and Sam had saved up combined with Eileen’s, he was confident they had more than enough for the month they’d be here. Plus, Dean was amazing at shopping the sales and saving money, something Bobby taught him how to do at a very young age.

Not much later, he and Dean are sitting at Castiel’s dining table eating their breakfast in a comfortable silence, The Beatles still playing softly from the radio in the kitchen.

“This tastes great, Cas, thanks,” Dean praised, stuffing pancake into his mouth.

Castiel chuckled. “Thank you. It seems your eating is still the same,” he laughed. Dean blushed, but couldn’t help smiling back as he continued chewing the huge piece he’d put in his mouth. “While it’s just me and you, Dean, I’d like to ask you something.”

Dean swallowed and took a drink of the orange juice Castiel had given him. “Sure. What is it?” He asked. His heart pounded. Were they about to have that talk? Already? He knew that was the point of the trip in the first place, but he didn’t think it was going to happen so soon.

“I recently listened to the mixtape you made for me. I’d never listened to it,” Castiel started. “I’m afraid that I don’t know any of the songs on there. A few of them sound very familiar, but our music tastes always differed. Could you tell me what they are?”

Dean stared at him for a moment. “You’d… You’d never listened to it before?” He asked, his voice small. All this time he thought Castiel would’ve listened to it and just  _ know _ , but… hearing that he’d just put it away, he didn’t know how to feel. He supposed he didn’t have a right to feel upset. After all he did, Dean was grateful Castiel didn’t just toss it.

Castiel shook his head. “No. At that time, we’d just had our falling out and I was surprised to even find anything under the desk. I was so angry with you and myself and just everything, so I put it in a box and hid it away.”

“What made you listen it to it now?”

“When Sam had told me the significance, I was curious. I wondered if I would’ve known what you were trying to say when I listened to it myself, if teenager me would’ve known. There’s a lot of talk about love, but there’s also loss and self loathing on there. When did you make it?” Castiel asked. This whole time he couldn’t bring himself to look at Dean’s face. It felt like it was still wrong to be caught even glancing in his direction, but he did his best to remember that it was just them. That no one was going to judge him. He had to remind himself often.

“I’d finally finished picking the songs and recording it, like, a week before we got into that fight. I thought you should still have it, so I left it under the desk,” Dean answered, his voice soft and unsure. He set his fork down, not feeling very hungry anymore. “Did you… ever get my last note? I thought you would’ve known how I felt, if not by the tape, then by that note.”

Castiel tilted his head, his eyes squinting like they did when he was confused. “What last note? I found the mixtape by accident and I never checked the library or the restrooms ever again. I couldn’t bring myself to even step in those areas.”

Dean stayed silent for a moment. “It was in the restroom,” he said, eyes averted to his plate. “I don’t think… I mean, it’s probably not there anymore. It was years ago, so don’t even worry about it,” Dean said, finally looking up with a sad smile.

Castiel hesitated for a moment before reaching over and putting his hand on Dean’s arm. “If you remember, I’d like to hear what was on that note,” he said, returning the smile Dean had.

“... I don’t remember it,” Dean lied as he picked up his fork again.

“That’s funny,” Castiel said quietly. “Dean Winchester isn’t a liar, avoids saying certain things by changing the subject, sure, but not an outright liar, so I wonder who I’m sitting next to.” A pause. “If you don’t want to, then please say that, but never lie to me, Dean.”

Dean exhaled softly. “You’re right, I’m sorry. There are still some things about myself that I’m working on, but Benny says I’m doing a terrific job so far so I don’t have to constantly push myself all the time, but I feel I need to. I don’t want to mess anything up.”

“He’s right. You’ve made significant progress in a short amount of time. You’ve been pushing yourself very hard, and it’s okay to take a break.”

Dean gave him a soft smile. “Thanks, Cas. And, again, I’m really sorry about lying.”

Castiel squeezed his arm and then went back to eating. “When do you think they’ll be up?” He asked.

Dean scoffed. “Knowing Sam, he’ll sleep until the evening, but Eileen could come out at any time. Isn’t she great?” Dean asked.

“Yes! I can’t wait to spend more time with her. She’s absolutely gorgeous, too. They’re both really lucky. Sam is a terrific man,” Castiel said. “I’m sure she’s the same if she managed to capture his heart.”

“Yeah, they’re perfect for each other,” Dean stated, a proud smile on his face. “I’m so proud of Sammy, on his way to becoming a lawyer and I’m sure he’s going to marry Eileen. There’s no doubt about it.”

Castiel nodded, a fond smile on his face, and they went back to a comfortable silence, finishing their breakfasts both at the same time. They sat there for a moment, both humming along to the current song playing, “Yellow Submarine”, and laughing softly together.

“I’ll wash the dishes,” Dean said as he stood up, picking up their plates.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that, Dean,” Castiel said, hand on Dean’s wrist to stop him.

“You know how it is, Cas. Whoever cooks, sits back while the others clean up,” he explained, referring back to how Dean was taught by his parents when he was younger. Dean followed that rule still today. Castiel let him go and Dean went into the kitchen. Once the song was over, Dean spoke to Castiel quietly before the next song started playing, “It said you would always be my halcyon days.”

The next song, “We Can Work It Out”, started playing as Castiel sat there in silence, his eyes wide with shock. He remembered, long ago, explaining to Dean what halcyon days is said to represent, but he never thought Dean would remember. He didn’t even think Dean paid attention to half the things he said back then, but it seems he did. Castiel didn’t know how to feel about it. Did he actually know less about Dean than he thought?

Castiel sat there in silence while Dean did the dishes, the air around them had somehow become  _ charged _ . Castiel couldn’t take it so he got up and went back to his recliner to try and continue reading. He needed his mind elsewhere. It was much harder when the subject of his thoughts was currently washing dishes in his kitchen.

Eventually, he managed to focus on his book and he read quite a few pages by the time Sam emerged from his room, hair sticking up everywhere and eyes swollen with sleep. Castiel instantly jumped up from his seat and smiled happily at Sam.

“Morning, Sam. How did you sleep?” He asked. The taller man just walked up to him and hunched over to let his head rest on Castiel’s shoulder.

“I’m so tired, Cas! I forgot how exhausting the trip was,” he groaned. Castiel chuckled and wrapped his arms around Sam’s shoulders, hugging him.

“I’m sure it’ll go away in a few days. Just rest until then and we’ll go out exploring again,” Castiel assured him.

Sam stayed there for a moment before sighing and straightening up again. “Yeah, that sounds good. I’m gonna shower,” Sam said.

“No problem. Your bags are by the front door, Dean and I brought them in last night. Is Eileen still asleep?” He asked.

Sam let out a yawn as he nodded. “Oh, yeah, she’s out. Thanks for bringing it all in, guys.”

“Anytime, Sammy,” Dean said from the kitchen. “And Cas made breakfast.”

“Thanks, Cas,” Sam said. “I’ll be back.”

“We’ll be here.” Castiel smiled as Sam walked away, thankful to have his friend here again with him. He’d missed him very much. He looked over at Dean and smiled. “Thank you for washing the dishes. Would you like to come and read with me?” He asked.

“Sure. Mind if I borrow a book?”

Castiel shook his head. “Help yourself. They’re all excellent books,” he answered, taking his seat again. He watched as Dean browsed his collection for a moment before speaking up, “Halcyon days. You remembered?” He asked, looking up at Dean.

He saw Dean tense up for a bit before relaxing. “Yeah. I could listen to you talk all day, Cas. Everything you said to me always just kinda stuck,” Dean replied. “Whether I wanted it to or not.”

“I’m sorry.”

Dean turned to look at him with a book in his hands and his eyebrows raised in confusion. “What are  _ you _ sorry for?”

Castiel squirmed in his seat a bit as he looked down at his lap. “I… said some incredibly hurtful things to you, Dean. And I struck you as well,” he said, voice low with shame.

“I deserved it all and worse, Cas. Besides, it’s not like I didn’t push you to do it. There’s no need for you to be sorry.”

“Yes, there is! I loved you so much and I hurt you all the time, too, just because I was jealous or hurt by something you did. I shouldn’t have said what I said, any of it. So, please, just let me apologize,” he said, looking up at Dean with pleading eyes.

“Jealous? I never took you for the jealous type.” Dean took the seat he had before, diagonal to Castiel’s seat.

“I was jealous of everyone else who could talk to you without being watched like a hawk. I was jealous of Aaron and Lisa, who could be so open with their affection towards you,” Castiel answered. “Jealousy is such an ugly feeling. I felt so insecure all the time. Envy is foreign to me now, just as anger is. Though, as you’ve witnessed, there are some exceptions to the anger.”

Dean smiled softly at that. “You’re allowed to express how you’re feeling, Cas. I’m sorry that you were forced to hide it for so long, but you never have to do that again. Especially with me. We’re not… teenagers anymore. We’re not in that town anymore. I’m not that person anymore.”

Castiel gave him a thoughtful look before nodding. “You know, I’d been telling myself that the entire time we’ve been exchanging letters and in the short amount of time you’ve been here, but I think I needed to hear it from you before I really believed it,” Castiel admitted. “It was very difficult, Dean. All those eyes on me, those whispers about me, from people I thought were my good friends.” Castiel couldn’t stop his eyes from watering and he bit his lip, trying to hold it in.

“You’ve suffered a lot, and that’s mainly because of me, but I promise you, Cas, that I will  _ never _ leave you alone to deal with it. I know you have amazing friends now, and I’m really thankful for that, but I’d like to… one day be part of that group,” Dean said. He got up from his spot on the couch and kneeled down in front of Castiel’s seat. He reached up and wiped the tears that had escaped down Castiel’s face.

Castiel shut his eyes tightly, sighing heavily. “I thought I’d cried myself out years ago, but it seems I had more,” he said. He finally opened his eyes and stared into Dean’s, noting how red they were. Castiel smiled fondly, putting his hands on Dean’s shoulders and squeezing gently. “Seeing how much it has also affected you, I think I can trust that you mean what you’re saying.”

Dean let out a small gasp, his lips quivering as everything he’d been holding in let itself out. He couldn’t stop the tears or the small sobs that left his throat. It was his turn to shut his eyes. After all this time, he couldn’t believe that Castiel was so  _ nice _ and  _ willing _ to let Dean back in his life. He didn’t know how he got so lucky, but he wasn’t going to question a second chance, even if he instinctively wanted to.

Castiel pulled Dean close, scooting to the edge of his recliner to hug Dean. Back then, a hug was something Castiel very much needed and he never got it from the one person he wanted it from. He had years away from everyone he wanted to get away from to deal with everything that had happened. Dean, he understood, was barely facing his demons and letting his emotions run free. Dean was going to need a lot of support, he knew. Without Inias, Castiel didn’t know where he would be, so he was aware that Dean also needed someone that wasn’t his therapist, or brother, or even someone in the same city. Castiel would be that for him. He’d be the friend to Dean that he always was.

Dean clung to him, pressing his face against Castiel’s shoulder as he cried. His shoulders shook and his face twisted with anguish. “I’m  _ so _ sorry, Cas. You were my best friend and I… let you  _ go _ ,” he sobbed.

“Oh, my God, Dean!” Castiel jumped and turned his head to see Sam there with a towel around his shoulder. Immediately, he was at Dean’s side. Castiel was positive Dean was going to retreat, but he was too shocked to even move when Dean slid from his arms and went into Sam’s. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Sam asked, hugging his brother tightly. Sam looked to Castiel for answers, but Castiel was still shocked.

Dean didn’t answer. He just cried on his brother’s shoulder, his hands balled into fists against Sam’s back. Castiel did the only thing he felt he could do. He slid to the floor next to them and wrapped his arms around both the Winchesters. This was the first time for both men to see Dean break down without a worry, letting the people around him comfort him. It was both terrifying and a relief.

Eventually Dean pulled away and did his best to wipe his face as he spoke with a voice thick with tears, “I-I’m sorry,” he said, trying to laugh it off.

Castiel put a hand on his shoulder. “Never apologize for expressing yourself, Dean. We’ll always be here to comfort you. That’s what friends do,” he smiled. Dean looked at him like he was a Saint.

“Cas is right. You don’t have to worry anymore. You have us,” Sam said, lightly bumping his shoulder to Dean’s.

It was hard for both Castiel and Sam to see him that way. His face red and eyes puffy and tired from the tears. “Thanks. I’m, uh, gonna take a shower now. I feel all gross from the flight and stuff,” he said. Dean gave them both a smile before he stood and headed to the bathroom.

Sam and Castiel watched up and stayed silent until they heard a door shut. Immediately, Sam moved closer, his face close to Castiel’s. “What happened?” He asked. “Why was my brother crying?”

“He was expressing himself. We were talking a bit about our past and he started crying after seeing me cry,” he explained. Castiel wasn’t at all offended or shock that Sam’s brotherly instincts came out.

After a moment, Sam sighed and moved back. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to get in your face. I know you would never intentionally hurt him.”

“You don’t have to apologize. He’s your brother and you’re very close.”

Sam smiled at him. “You’re my family, too, Cas. Anytime you need anything, I’m here, always.”

They hugged. Castiel didn’t mind, especially since Sam gave terrific hugs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halcyon Days tends to be nostalgic and a recalling of the seemingly endless sunny days of youth/very happy or successful period in the past.


	32. Castiel, Dean, Sam and Eileen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is unbeta'd. All mistakes are mine! Which brings me to ask if anyone would be interested in being my beta while my friend Kate is working through a transition in her life? Please comment or message me on Tumblr if you're interested!
> 
> And another note:  
Eileen's sign language is in italics  
Castiel's sign language is in bold

September 13th, 2006

Castiel sat at the table with Sam as he ate, and the two discussed different things between Sam’s bites, smiling and laughing with one another.

“So how is everyone?” Sam asked eventually. He wanted to see everyone again soon. They’d definitely become a second family to him in the month he had been here. They immediately accepted him and included him in everything they did without even hesitating.

Castiel smiled fondly. “They’re all doing great. Cesar and Jesse went to Japan for a mini vacation, but they said they’d be back before my birthday. Kevin went home to visit his mother for a couple of months though, so I’m afraid you won’t be able to see each other. Everyone else will be coming over that day, so you can see them. But if you wanted to see them sooner, I can message everyone,” he suggested.

“Maybe we could have dinner with them tonight?” He asked. “It’ll give us all time to get ready and get some groceries or maybe order out. I just want to see them. Remind me to leave Kevin a note before we leave.” A pause. “Do they… know about Dean?”

Castiel tilted his head. “Of course. They know he’s your brother and an old friend of mine,” he answered.

“I mean, do they know everything that happened? As much as I love them, I don’t want to put Dean in a situation where he could be excluded from others, you know?”

“I understand, Sam. They are all very understanding about accepting and moving on from your past, so I don’t think they’d treat Dean any differently if they knew. The only one who actually knows everything that happened is Inias, and you’ve met him,” Castiel said.

“Yeah, he’s the sweetest. It’s hard to believe he’s a few years older than me.”

Castiel laughed. “That’s only because he’s only up to your waist in height,” he chuckled.

“Morning!” Eileen said, popping from the corner with a huge smile on her face. She looked refreshed and her hair was wet. Castiel chuckled at Sam’s surprise.

Castiel tilted his head and raised his hands to sign as he spoke, “Dean wasn’t taking a shower?” He asked. He blushed and shook his head when he remembered her greeting. “Good morning! Sorry, I was just worried. Did you sleep well?”

Eileen sat down across from him with a knowing smile. “He wasn’t in there when I went to take one. And I slept great! I don’t know if it was the bed or because I was just too exhausted,” she said.

Castiel couldn’t help but worry more. “I’m glad you slept well. I made some breakfast earlier, but Sam got the rest of it. Let me make you some more,” he said as he got up. Sam caught his arm, clearing his throat.

“Actually, Eileen loves my omelettes, so I’ll make her breakfast. Why don’t you go check on Dean?” He said, no doubt realizing that Castiel was itching to make sure Dean was okay. Castiel smiled gratefully.

He nodded and gave them both a smile before heading towards the room Dean was staying in. When he got closer, he heard a lot of shuffling from inside. He knocked on the door. “Dean? Are you okay?” He asked.

After a few moments, the door opened and Dean was there. “Yeah, I’m good.”

“Did you shower?”

“Yeah. It was just a quick one. I was trying to figure out what to wear. Wow, that sounds weird coming from me, doesn’t it?” He laughed.

“You want to look good. There’s nothing wrong with that. Sam and I were discussing having dinner tonight with my friends. Would that be okay with you?” He asked. “I’d hate for you to feel uncomfortable here.”

“No, no! That’s definitely fine with me. I want to meet them,” he said.

“I’d especially love for you to meet Inias,” Castiel said, leaning against the doorframe. “You’re going to enjoy his company.”

“He’s the one with the massive sweet tooth, right?”

“Yes, that’s him. He was supposed to be coming here anyways. I’ll have to message him to round up all of our friends. We’re going to be going grocery shopping in a couple of hours, if you’d like to see the island during the day.”

Dean’s eyes lit up. “Yeah! It looks so green outside your window, I can’t imagine the rest of the island.”

“We’re going to be taking the long way so you can see the ocean closer,” Castiel said, a fond smile on his face. “I know how much you love the ocean. Both you and Sam.”

“Oh, yeah. Bobby took us as much as he could, but, you know,” he said, shrugging his shoulders.

“We’ll go to as many beaches as we can on the island. A couple of them are on military bases though, so we can’t enter, but there are still plenty of other ones to enjoy,” Castiel explained. They stood there in silence for a moment before Castiel cleared his throat. “Well, I’ll leave you to it. I just wanted to check on you.”

Dean gave him a smile. “Thanks. I’ll be right out. I want to put a few things away,” he said, pointing back to his suitcase and duffel. Castiel nodded, a smile on his face. Ever since he’d laid eyes on Dean again, he found that he was always smiling. It was refreshing. He’d really missed his old friend.

When Castiel went back to the living room, Eileen was sitting at the table, chin resting on her palm as she watched Sam work, a loving smile on her face. Castiel couldn’t help but feel a pang of envy at how happy they were. When someone mentioned his dating life or anything romantic, he felt a little empty. After what happened in Round Rock, he wasn’t sure anything like that was for him.

He sighed softly and shook the thoughts away before taking the seat across from Eileen, tapping her shoulder as he did so. She gave him a smile before raising her hands to sign.

_ He has a cute butt, doesn’t he? _

Castiel chuckled and looked at Sam, whose back was turned on their conversation before smiling back at her.

** _Winchesters are blessed with great genes._ **

_ Sam told me about how he used to love you when you were younger _.

Castiel blinked, a blush rising on his cheeks as he glanced at Sam again.

**I apologize. I hope this doesn’t change how you feel towards me. Sam is a terrific man and he loves you very deeply.**

Eileen shook her head and gave him a reassuring smile.

_ I’m not upset. I think it’s really sweet. From everything I’ve heard about you, I can tell why you’re such a catch _

Castiel blushed harder, a shy smile on his face.

**Thank you. That truly means a lot to me** ** _._ **

Eileen reached over and squeezed his arm comfortingly, easing his worries. He loved Sam and Eileen, he couldn’t bear to lose them because of their past. His heart pounded at the thought.

_ You don’t need to thank me. Just speaking the truth. How is Dean? _

**He’s good. He was putting some things away. He should be out in a bit. Dean told me he asked you to move into their home?**

_ Yes, he did. I’m going to accept. It would make everything easier for everyone. I don’t exactly like where I’m living now and I’m always over hanging out with Dean, so it just makes sense. _

Castiel nodded along. Sam is going to be very happy when he hears her answer.

**I’m happy to hear that! I know they’ll be extremely happy as well**

Eileen smiled at him fondly and then went back to watching Sam. Castiel stood and grabbed a pen and notepad to write down their grocery list.

“Sam, I’m not actually sure what you all want to eat?” Castiel said over the sizzle of the eggs and the sound of the oven’s fan. He tapped Eileen’s shoulder so she was aware he was talking. “I’m not sure what you all want to eat for dinner,” he repeated.

Both she and Sam shrugged their shoulders and Castiel sighed.

“Well… How about I make fried chicken, mashed potatoes, corn, biscuits?” He suggested. “The cooking time is enough that everyone can mingle and, well, fried chicken is amazing.”

Sam snorted. “Still a huge sucker for it, huh? You didn’t have it at all last time I was here, though,” Sam mentioned, a brow raised.

Castiel huffed softly. “It’s very unhealthy, Sam. I can’t allow myself to have it as much as I used to.”

“Unhealthy food is the best!” Eileen said. Dean immediately walked back out and high fived her.

“Yeah, Eileen is right, Cas. Unhealthy food is a gift from the Gods,” he said, overdramatic as always.

Castiel fondly rolled his eyes. “So are vegetables!” He argued.

Dean made a mock disgusted face. “Oh, my God. You and Sam really are two peas in a pod, aren’t y’all? You used to love junk food more than anything.”

“And I wasn’t exactly in the best shape!”

“You looked perfect, dude!”

There was a beat of silence in which Eileen looked between the two, Sam pointedly tried to _ not _ make fun of his brother, and Dean and Castiel were fighting the heat on their faces.

“Ah, um, thank you, Dean. So,” he paused, clearing his throat. “Fried chicken?”

“Yeah, sounds good to me. Eileen?” Dean asked, voice lower than usual.

“Yep. Sam?”

Sam couldn’t take it and accidentally let out a raspberry as he tried to hold in his laughter, eventually just letting it out. He was laughing so hard his eyes were watering.

Dean rolled his eyes. “Oh, my God, Samantha! Shut it! Cook your damn eggs,” he said, face red with embarrassment. Castiel couldn’t help but laugh alongside Sam from how hard he was laughing. It was contagious. “_ Cas _!” Dean protested.

“I-I apologize, Dean,” he said, taking a deep breath. “His laugh is so contagious.”

Sam snorted and Castiel laughed harder. Eventually, Dean cracked a smile himself. Even Eileen couldn’t help herself. They all just let themselves laugh together.

It was nice, Castiel thought. He’d missed this.

Later, after Eileen was finished eating and the dishes were rewashed, they decided to head out for groceries and some sightseeing. They decided on going to Asan Beach Park and packed up their swimming clothes, spare clothes, and beach towels. Dean looked ecstatic, and Castiel and Sam shared a smile. Sam confirmed that Dean hadn’t looked so happy in years.

“You already talked to Inias?” Sam asked once they’d climbed into the car, doing his best to sign as everyone was talking since Dean couldn’t face her properly. He was nervous and stumbling a little due to that, but the reassuring smile Eileen gave him made him a lot calmer.

Castiel smiled at them in the mirror and nodded. “Yes, I got off the phone with him just a little bit ago. No one knows you’re here. They’ll all be coming in at around five and then we’ll have dinner by six. We should start cooking at around three-thirty or four though. They can all eat a lot,” he said.

“We all know that code for Sammy,” Dean teased, throwing a smile back at his brother. He got a flick in the back of the head. “Hey!”

“Not just me, ‘ya ass! Meg can eat as much as me and she’s _ tiny _,” Sam huffed.

Castiel chuckled. “Don’t worry, Sam. I love how much you eat. Dean’s just jealous,” he assured him. “He’s always wanted to eat as much as you.”

“How the hell do you even remember _ that _? I told you, like, once… When we were, what, thirteen?” Dean questioned, glaring playful daggers at Castiel.

“Same way you do,” he shrugged, finally pulling out of the driveway and heading towards their first stop. “So, did you want to have it like a surprise party, where you all jump out? Or let them come in one by one and just be surprised individually?” Castiel asked them.

“Well, we can’t leave you to cook all on your own,” Dean said.

“No, that’s okay. I’ve cooked for all of them on my own plenty of times. It’s no big deal.”

“Cas, didn’t you say Inias was supposed to come over?”

“I told him a later time since I was busy writing. I’ve always been a terrible liar though, so he knows something’s up. I’ve never rescheduled the time with him in all our years together,” Castiel sighed.

Dean sputtered a little, “Ah, um, together? Like _ together _ together? You’re dating?” He asked.

Sam scoffed. “Wow, don’t hurt yourself there, Dean,” he laughed. Dean flipped him off over his shoulder and waited for Castiel to answer.

Castiel chuckled. “No, he and I aren’t dating. We tried, but we decided we’re better as close friends,” he explained. “He’s a very sweet man, but I’m not capable of giving him what he needs in a romantic partner.”

Dean shifted and opened his mouth to protest, but decided against it. “I’m glad y’all can still be friends,” he said quietly. “I can’t wait to meet everyone.”

Sam patted his shoulder. “You’re gonna love ‘em, man. They’re really funny,” he said.

“So, is there anything that I should maybe avoid talking about or anything? I don’t want to mess this up,” he mumbled, afraid that he wasn’t going to make a good impression on Castiel’s friends. He knew that if his friends didn’t like him then that was a big hit against him. Castiel’s friend’s opinions _ mattered _, more than anyone else’s, and Dean wanted to be liked by them.

Castiel thought for a moment before shaking his head. “No, I don’t think so. But it’s also not my place to say anything personal. Don’t worry. They’ll like you, Dean,” he tried to assure Dean.

“Yeah, they’re not really, for lack of a better word, sensitive, you know?” Sam added.

“Anyone would be crazy not to like you, Dean,” Eileen said. “You’re awesome!”

Castiel smiled at her through the mirror and nodded in agreement. “She’s right, Dean. Just be yourself. Just think of my home as the sandbox from when we were kids,” he said.

Sam seemed confused for a moment before remembering what he was talking about. “Oh, that’s right! Y’all met in elementary,” he said.

They both nodded, but it was Dean who spoke up first. “Yeah, at the sandbox. He was alone and I didn’t want him to be, so I went up to him and the rest is history.”

“Dean was a very good kid in school, but he could easily make other kids laugh, so he was given the Class Clown title. He didn’t like it. Thankfully, this was before we were graded on anything,” Castiel explained.

“The days of Pre-K, huh?” Dean chortled, a fond smile on his face. “When we colored, played games, took naps, ate snacks, and went home at three every day,” he added.

“Yes, all of that was very enjoyable, but I also really loved learning new things as we advanced,” Castiel said.

“That’s something we didn’t really agree on,” Dean laughed. “There were some things I did like learning about, but definitely not everything like you did.”

“So, it’s safe to say Cas got the better grades between you two?”

Castiel let out a small laugh, glancing at Sam in the mirror. “He actually always scored higher than me in our history classes every semester.”

“Oh, it was barely by a few points!” Dean argued.

“I had to study extremely hard for whatever grade I did get, but you just remembered it all. You enjoyed history, so it was easier for you. I did like it, but I just couldn’t retain all the information the way you could,” Castiel explained. “I always thought you would’ve made a great history teacher.”

Dean paused and really thought about that for a moment. “You know,” he started. “I never actually thought about that. I was… just focused on getting Sammy taken care of, but now that he’s on his feet…” he trailed off.

Sam perked up. “You can look into some classes or something,” he said, trying not to sound too excited. He didn’t want to pressure Dean into the decision. “If you’re interested.”

Dean bit his lip, thinking hard before finally nodding. “I think I’ll start researching on schools and classes,” he said, voice small. “See if it’s something I actually wanna do.” Castiel, Sam, and Eileen shared a smile through the mirror. Dean hid his smile by turning to face the window, watching the green of the island blur as they drove.

They drove along the highway for a few miles, taking in the small stores, concrete homes, children playing outside, and all the flowers littering the area.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean said. “What are those things on all the windows of the houses? I’ve seen them on every single house, yours too.”

“Those are typhoon shutters, because we get those a few times a year,” Castiel said. Sam scratched his head and then finally just fingerspelled ‘typhoon’. 

“Aren’t those really dangerous?” Sam asked.

“They can be, yes. It depends if one is hitting us directly or if it’s just passing. But it’s recommended that every household has a typhoon kit with basic essentials in them.”

“You don’t ever get scared?” Eileen asked.

Castiel shook his head and lifted one of his shoulders in a shrug. “Sometimes, but I have to be strong for my friends. They stay with me during the bad weather because they’re all on edge. I need to be calm for them,” he explained. “It does make it easier though.”

Sam reached over, squeezing his shoulder. “You’re a good friend, Cas,” he said softly. Castiel put his hand on Sam’s, a fond smile on his face, and squeezed his hand back before letting go.

Castiel missed it when Eileen gently elbowed Sam in the side and wiggled her eyebrows at him with a teasing smile on her face, and he also missed the blush on Sam’s face afterwards. Eileen laughed quietly, and then leaned into Sam’s side when he put his arm around her shoulders. Dean continued looking out the window, taking in the vast beauty of the island while Castiel drove. He knew it was going to be a great day. He was happier than he’d ever been in a _ very _ long time, and Dean felt so much lighter.

So far, the highlight of Dean’s day, had been watching Castiel laugh as all four of them splashed each other with water and dived into the waves. The sounds of the ocean, the birds flying, and the laughter from his family and all the other families surrounding them made Dean feel as though he were truly free of all the guilt that had been weighing on his shoulder. Despite wishing he had his camcorder to record everything, he knew it was meant to be just a memory he looked back on by himself, something for him only, something only he could tell from his point of view.

Sam’s face was hurting from smiling so much. Being surrounded by his loved ones, everyone laughing and having a terrific time… It’s all he ever wanted. He never fully believed that Dean and Castiel would ever make contact with one another, let alone become friends again, but he’d be hoping and wishing for it to happen. The best time of his life growing up was spending time with both of them, until they separated and everything grew complicated. Watching them, right now, made him feel like a young boy again. A boy who was satisfied with his life, who looked forward to being home despite not having a mom or dad anymore, who pictured his older brother’s face when he thought of the word ‘parent’. He could cry with how happy he felt; he probably would later in private.

After getting dried off and changing clothes, the group went grocery shopping. Dean and Eileen were in complete awe as they saw the varieties of food along the aisles and both Sam and Castiel had to continuously pulled them where they needed to go with a promise of coming back to try everything they wanted to within the month. By the time they went back home, they were all exhausted and yet so ready to do more.

“Let us take this for you, Cas,” Sam said, taking the bags from Castiel’s hands without giving him a chance to protest. “What time are they coming over again?”

Castiel checked his watch. “In about forty minutes,” he said, following Sam inside where Eileen and Dean were putting things away. “How did you want to do this?”

“We could stay in Sam and Eileen’s room until everyone gets here?” Dean suggested.

“But we can’t just leave Cas to cook on his own!” Sam protested, shocked Dean would actually say that.

Dean rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. “If you’d waited for me to finish talking, _ Sam _, I was going to say that we start dinner right now, so Cas won’t have to do much on his own by the time everyone starts showing up,” Dean explained.

Sam backed down, smiling sheepishly. “Ah, sorry,” he mumbled.

“Apology accepted.”

Castiel took a step forward. “Really, I don’t mind. You all must still be tired, so why don’t you rest in the living room?” he said.

Dean gave him a pointed look. “Cas. We’re helping you cook dinner,” he said. Castiel looked to Eileen for help, but she was siding with Sam and Dean. Finally, he sighed and gave in.

“Okay. Thank you,” he said. “Dean, get the oil heated; you’ll be in charge of frying it before it’s put it in the oven. Eileen, please get everything ready for the batter. Sam, get out the snacks and start making lemonade. I’ll cut the potatoes.” All four got to work on their tasks, the radio blasting The Beatles _ 1 _. They worked with one another seamlessly, laughing at jokes or when Dean and Eileen messed with one another.

It was hard to believe this was happening. A year ago, he would’ve smacked himself silly at the thought of Dean Winchester in his kitchen, smiling at him with that same charm he once fell in love with. With the innocence of the Dean before they lost Bobby, of his best friend, his hero, his guidance. No matter how much Castiel saw his old friend, he also saw the new Dean. The one who has improved his very being, his life, his attitude and outlook, his temper, and the way he treated himself. This Dean deserved the most recognition. Castiel would never try to belittle him by thinking of a Dean he hadn’t seen in ten years or so. That Dean had moved on, to a better place, a memory.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean said, glancing at the clock hanging in view on the living room wall. “Are all your friends, like, punctual?” They’d finally started frying the second batch of chicken while the first batch was in the oven.

“Inias shows up early, but the rest will show up a little after. They try to ride in one car over here,” Castiel answered. “Why?”

Before Dean could answer, the doorbell rang loud and everyone paused. Castiel looked at the time and it had to be Inias.

“Okay, everyone into the room. Make sure nothing is left out that can give you all away,” Castiel said, hurriedly trying to clean his hand on a kitchen towel. “He’s going to be using his own key soon, if I don’t answer.” The doorbell rang again. All of them rushed to Sam and Eileen’s room, Dean falling a little behind to whisper to Castiel.

“Inias has a key to your house?” He asked.

“Of course. I also have one to his. Why?” Castiel replied.

Dean tried to shake off the jealousy sprouting in his stomach up to his chest. He didn’t have any right to be jealous of someone who had actually been there for Castiel during one of the hardest times of his life. He pushed it down, promising himself that he would talk to Sam about it later so it didn’t fester.

“No reason, Cas. I’m glad you have a close friend like him,” he said eventually.

“Me, too. Thank you, Dean.” Castiel ushered them into the room. “I’ll come get you when everyone is here.” Then he closed the door, took a deep breath, and went to answer his front door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone had a great Holidays!  
I probably won't be posting in time, so I'll say it now: Happy New Years! <3


	33. The Surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first destiel/deancas chapter of 2020! I hope everyone had a terrific New Year. Do you have any resolutions?  
This is mostly dialogue.  
I hope y'all enjoy this chapter. Please let me know what you think.
> 
> Unbeta'd. Any and all mistakes are mine <3

September 13th, 2006

Castiel shut the door to Sam and Eileen’s room and rushed to the front door. “I’m coming!” He called out. He opened the door and was instantly greeted with a huge smile from Inias. “Hello, Inias.”

Inias walked inside and pulled Castiel into a tight hug. “Hey! I was so caught off guard when you said to come by later. I was worried something was wrong,” he said, squeezing him a little tighter. “Are you okay?”

Castiel returned the hug, rubbing his closest friend’s back to comfort him. “I’m well. Don’t worry. I just got caught up in writing and then decided that I wanted to have everyone over tonight for dinner. I had to go shopping.”

Inias stepped away from the hug, pressing his forehead to Castiel’s. “I could’ve gone with you. Next time, okay?” He asked.

Castiel nodded. “Yes. Next time. I just wanted it to be a little surprise. Is everyone else on their way?”

“Yeah. They’re a few minutes out.”

Castiel leaned forward and kissed Inias’s cheek as a late greeting. “Then come into the kitchen and help me cook,” he said as he lead the way into the kitchen. “I’ve managed to do quite a bit since I’ve come home almost an hour ago, so we just have to finish frying the rest of the chicken and baking them. The mashed potatoes should be almost done. And we’ll cook the biscuits after everything else is done.”

Inias looked around at all the different stations. “You have so many different things out, Castiel,” he chuckled.

“I’ve been rushing a bit, but I can rest easy now that you’re here,” Castiel replied.

“You still haven’t bought those house shoes?” He asked.

Castiel shook his head. “I keep forgetting every time I’m at the store.”

Inias rolled his eyes fondly. “I’m always telling you to write it down.” He put his arm around Castiel’s shoulders. “So, where do you want me?”

“You can start preparing the dough for the biscuits,” Castiel answered as he went back to frying the next batch of chicken. His kitchen was going to be a mess, but at least he would have a lot of hands to help him clean up.

“Recipe in your cabinet?” Inias asked.

“Yes.”

They worked together in silence, Castiel’s CD still playing to fill the air, before the doorbell started being rung offensively.

“Meg,” Castiel and Inias said in unison.

“Could you get the door?” Castiel asked. “It’s almost time to flip them.”

“Yeah, of course.” Inias cleaned his hands and left to answer the door.

Castiel’s heart pounded with excitement. It was almost time for everyone to see Sam again and to meet Dean and Eileen. He flipped over the chicken and smiled as the lively sounds of his friends entered his home.

“Clarence, where are you?!” Meg, surely, called out as she walked into the kitchen. 

“I’m right here. Why are you yelling?” He asked, turning to give her a smile.

“Because I missed you so much. Gimme a kiss?” She asked, wanting to be sure it was a day when he felt comfortable with touching and affection.

“Come here.” She walked closer and he gave her a kiss on the forehead. “I missed you, too. How was the drive?”

“The same as usual. Though I missed bickering the Inias on the way over here. And with Kevin gone, it’s not like I have many to smother with my affection,” she joked, leaning against his side as she watched him cook.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure you and Inias will be at each other’s throats all night,” he laughed. “Sorry for calling you all over on such short notice. I know we agreed on my birthday a couple of weeks ago.” Meg put her arms around his waist, squeezing him.

“We love seeing you all the time, so don’t worry about that. No need for apologies. We’d probably live with you if you could,” she said, grinning up at him. “But we know how much you like your privacy and your quiet.”

“You are all so wonderful to me. I’m so thankful to have you all in my life,” he said. He kissed the top of her head this time. He and Meg were very affectionate. Often, they were the ones mistaken as a couple, but neither of them had expressed a want for a relationship or even admitted there were actual feelings involved. They were great as friends. Sometimes they just needed a cuddle, and they were content being as they were.

“Yeah,” she murmured. “We are, too.”

They shared a smile and then Meg released him to do what he needed to. He replaced the batch that was in the oven and started on frying some more. He looked around at his friends, Josie giving him a smile over Inias’ shoulder as they discussed something; her eyes saying that she would greet him as soon as possible. Castiel returned the smile and turned back to the stove. Soon, he would go get Sam and the others.

“Inias, can you please get everyone a drink?” He called over his shoulder. Inias gave a confirmation and Castiel heard as he got cups ready to fill with the lemonade Sam made.

“Hey, Cas,” Josie said, resting her chin on his shoulder. “Sorry. I got caught up telling Inias about a documentary I watched this morning. I think you’d like it. It’s on aliens.”

Castiel smiled and turned his head to kiss her cheek, but accidentally caught more of her mouth. “Oh, sorry,” he said, smiling apologetically.

She nudged him. “We’ve been friends for years, Castiel. There’s nothing wrong with kissing your friends on the mouth from time to time,” she giggled.

Castiel nodded, his chest practically overflowing with warmth. “I think you’re right. So, this alien documentary, tell me more about it,” he said, knowing how happy it made her to speak of the things she watched.

Josie’s eyes lit up. “It’s about how aliens possibly lent a hand in a lot of the world’s greatest wonders, like the pyramids and stuff. I really think you’d like it. It’s fairly new so it should be coming on television again soon. I’ll call you when I see that it’s on, okay?” She asked.

“Of course. I look forward to it,” he said. Castiel put his cooking utensils down as Inias handed them drinks. “Thank you.”

“Any time. I better get back to those biscuits now,” Inias said as he went back to his station.

“Is there anything me and Meg can do?” Josie asked.

“Can you start cooking the corn?” He asked, leaning back against the stove as he pulled her into a proper hug.

“Anything for you, Cas,” she said, returning the hug before setting off to work. Now that he saw everyone was cooking and preoccupied, Castiel decided it was time. He couldn’t hold off any longer. Ideally, getting the others after they were done cooking would be best, but Castiel couldn’t wait to see everyone’s faces as they see Sam again. And meet Dean and Eileen.

“I’ll be right back. I need to get another kitchen towel,” he said, heading out of the kitchen and feeling relief as no one questioned him. He rushed to the room everyone was waiting in and opened the door. “Ready?” He asked softly, afraid the others would overhear him despite the radio and talking.

Sam jumped up from his spot on the bed like an excited puppy. “Hell yes,” he said, grabbing Eileen’s hand.

Castiel turned to Dean who looked like a deer in headlights. “Are you okay? We can wait a little longer if you need to,” he offered.

Dean shook his head and took a step forward. “No, I got this. But thanks, Cas. Let’s, um, let’s do this,” he said, breathlessly, nervous.

Castiel nodded and turned back to the kitchen. “Hey, I have a surprise for everyone!” He called out as he stood in the doorway of the kitchen, a huge grin on his face.

“What’s up?” Meg asked.

Just then, Sam stepped out beside him, his face beaming with happiness. Castiel wished he’d gotten his camera to capture the moment they realized Sam was there, their eyes lit so bright with happiness. They exclaimed their shock and immediately hugged Sam as tight as they could.

“I missed you guys,” Sam said, swallowing a few times and blinking a little rapidly to prevent himself from actually crying. “Really.”

“Oh, my God, Sam! When the hell did you get here?” Meg asked, punching him on the shoulder.

“We got in last night.”

“We?” Josie asked, tilting her head in confusion.

“Yes. Eileen and my brother are here, too.” Dean walked inside the kitchen, his hand on the small of Eileen’s back to ground him. This was surreal. He was meeting Castiel’s friends. People he spent so much time with, people Castiel built another life with.

Eileen came up and smiled at everyone. “Hi, I’m Eileen. It’s nice to meet everyone,” she said, putting her arm around Sam’s waist and leaning into his side. “Sam’s my better half.”

“It’s so nice to meet you, Eileen! Sam always talked about you,” Josie said. “You’re so gorgeous!” She pulled Eileen into a tight hug.

“Yeah, you have terrific taste,” Meg said, punching her lightly on the shoulder and giving her a wink. “But I’d say he was the luckier one. Damn, Sam, I’m jealous.”

Castiel smiled at the exchange, knowing Meg and Josie truly liked and accepted Eileen.

“You might want to watch out, Eileen. Meg and Josie might try to steal you from Sam,” Inias said, giving Sam a playful smirk.

“They can try, but she’s all mine,” Sam said, hugging Eileen to his side.

Eileen laughed. “It’ll be hard for you to keep _ me _ away from _ them _,” she giggled. Simultaneously, Meg and Josie wiggled their brows.

“Oh, my God, Sam, I love her,” Meg said.

Dean stood next to them awkwardly as all eyes landed on him. “Uh, I’m Dean. Sam’s older brother and an old friend of Cas.”

Inias was the first one to say anything for a brief moment. “Oh, hey, I know about you!” He said, giving Dean a smile. “You’re Castiel’s childhood friend.”

Dean nodded. “Yeah. We grew up together,” he said. “It’s nice to meet y’all.” He gave them a nervous smile.

Meg stepped forward and gave him a once over. “Sam, why are you and your brother so hot?” She asked, never pulling her eyes away from Dean.

Sam laughed. “Our parents were really good looking?” He offered. “But I’m the better looking brother, obviously, so.”

Dean scoffed. “You wish, Samantha Ann,” he said. Teasing his brother was second nature; Just came easy. “You know I’m rockin’ that Swayze.”

“I think Sam looks a little more like Patrick Swayze,” Cas observed. Dean looked at him, almost scandalized.

“_ Cas _,” he said.

Castiel held his hands up, a grin on his face. “Just an observation.”

“Anyways,” Dean said, playfully glaring at Castiel. “It’s great to meet y’all. Thank you for taking care of Sammy last time he was here.”

“We love Sam,” Inias said.

“Yes. And it’s great to meet you, too, Dean. I’m Josie,” Josie said, pulling him into a hug. It caught Dean off guard, but he was enjoying the warm welcome and returned the hug. It was nice. To have friends who gave hugs. He was definitely glad that they were in Castiel’s life.

Meg punched him on the shoulder. “Yeah, big guy. It’s nice to meet you. I’m Meg.” He gave her one back.

“Yeah,” Dean agreed, “It’s real nice to meet y’all, too.”

Castiel felt his heart swell, happy that everyone in his life was getting along so well. While they were talking, Castiel moved back to the stove and replaced the batch that was in the oven with a new one. He looked at all the chicken made and the rest that still needed to cook and knew it would be awhile.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean said, coming up beside him, “you should take a seat. Let us do our part.”

Castiel smiled. “That’s all right. I can keep cooking,” he said. “But thank you for asking.”

“Well, let me help with something. What do you need?” Dean asked.

“Inias is working on the biscuits, Meg and Josie are working on the corn, so how about finishing up the mashed potatoes?” He asked, nodding over to the bowl of peeled potatoes.

Dean grinned, happy to be able to help Cas. “You got it, buddy. Let me know if there’s anything else you need help with, yeah?”

“Of course. Thank you,” Castiel said, smiling. Inias came up behind Cas, wrapping his arms around his waist.

“The biscuits are ready to go in whenever you’re ready,” he said, a lollipop in his mouth.

Castiel gave him a look. “Inias, are you eating candy before dinner?” He asked.

Inias’s face went a little red as he pulled the candy from his mouth. “Um, not anymore,” he said.

“You can eat sweets after you eat dinner.”

Most of the time, Inias was getting scolded for spoiling his dinner by either Castiel or his other friends, sometimes both. The man’s sweet tooth was impressive so he had to be watched all the time to make sure he didn’t have too much, especially since it was clear Inias didn’t have a shred of self control when it comes to sweets.

“Aw, come on, Castiel,” he said, a pout in his voice that Castiel couldn’t see.

Castiel shook his head. “No. It goes in the trash and I’ll get you another one from my room _ after _ dinner,” he said.

Inias’s eyes went wide. “You mean one of the rainbow unicorn pops?” He asked, glowing like a child given free range in a candy shop, which fit Inias to a T.

Castiel bit back a smile. “Yes, one of those.”

Inias gave Castiel a huge kiss on the cheek before tossing his lollipop away in the trash. Meg raised a brow.

“Clarence, did you bribe him with a unicorn pop?” She asked.

“That’s the only way he’ll listen,” Castiel replied. Meg silently agreed.

“Could I get one, too?” She asked.

“Of course. I don’t have to worry about you consuming too much sugar.”

“Sweet!”

Dean mashed the potatoes harder than was probably necessary, but he couldn’t help himself. He felt… like the odd one out. Everyone had such a terrific relationship with Castiel and he didn’t, not anymore. He understood all too well that he put himself in this position, but he also recognized that he couldn’t just invalidate his own feelings to punish himself.

Josie came up beside him. “Hey, do you need any help? You’ve kinda been mashing them for a long time,” she said, leaning over to see the inside of the bowl.

Dean snapped out of his head and shook his head. “Oh, no, I’m okay, but thanks. I was just… distracted and staring off into space, I guess” he said, giving her a smile.

She returned it. “So, Sam really spoke of you a lot when he was here,” she started, “I was wondering if we’d ever get to meet you. I didn’t know you were old friend’s with Castiel until recently though.”

Dean tried not to let it show that those words hurt quite a bit. He knew he was mostly bad memories for Castiel, but it was weird speaking to people that he didn’t know, who knew his best friend so well. Growing up in a small town, everyone knew everyone and being here was making him a little uncomfortable.

“Cas and I, um, we just stopped talking for a few years,” he said, turning back to finish up what he was working on.

“Oh, that’s so sad. I’m sorry,” Josie said, genuinely meaning.

“Yeah, same here. Cas is a joy to have in life, so I wonder why it ever had to happen,” he said absently, thinking back to high school and what he should’ve done differently.

Josie put her arm around his shoulder and squeezed him. “You know, sometimes things need to happen. Sometimes we need a little bad to better appreciate all the good we have. You lost out on some time? That’s okay. You’re here now, and we’re glad to have you,” she said.

Dean looked back at her and gave her such a grateful smile. “I… That, ah, that means a lot. Thanks,” he said. “So, um, Sam tells me that you’re the one who really likes documentaries?” He was thankful someone came up to him, especially since he didn’t think he had the confidence to go up to someone yet.

“Yeah, they’re great! I was just telling Cas about this alien documentary I watched earlier.”

Dean’s eyes lit up. “Oh, I think I saw a preview to that. The one where they might’ve helped with the monuments?”

“Yeah, that’s the one!” She exclaimed. “Sam never said you watched any of that stuff.”

Dean winked at her. “That’s because he’s too busy with school and Eileen,” he teased, even though his brother couldn’t hear him. “And we have documentaries on at work all the time while we’re doing our jobs. It kinda helps me retain stuff.”

“That’s really interesting! I never thought that actually worked,” Josie said. “Maybe I should try it? While working out, you think?”

“Yeah, go for it!” Then Dean made a face. “Oh, man, you like to work out? You poor soul.”

Josie laughed. “You hate exercise? How do you stay so fit?”

Dean shrugged. “My job, and that’s enough for me.” Dean finished making the mashed potatoes and turned towards Castiel. “Hey, Cas. I’m all done. Anything else you need me for?” He asked, a bright smile on his face. He really liked Josie so far. She seemed really fun.

Castiel looked up at him with a blank expression. “No, that’s all right. You can continue your conversation.”

Dean moved a little closer. “I really don’t mind helping out, Cas,” he said.

“I said it’s fine, Dean,” Castiel repeated, his tone a bit clipped. Dean froze and took a step back, accidentally bumping into Josie.

“Sorry. Um, sorry,” he said to both of them before moving away and heading over to Sam.

Dean was confused. Castiel seemed _ annoyed _ with him and he didn’t understand why. Was it because he was taking too long making a simple side? Was Dean pestering him too much? Was Castiel actually not ready to see him? He didn’t know, but he knew, whatever it was, it was his fault.

He kept his eyes on the drink Sam handed to him, nodding along absently to whatever conversation was going on.

He felt weird, and he didn’t like it.


	34. The Dinner and Conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is, I think, the longest chapter of this story so far at a nice 5,921 words. I hope y'all enjoy! This chapter has been in the works for a little bit and I'm real excited to share this one. And I also wanted to say thank you for having my work included in an amazing Destiel collection. It wouldn't have happened without y'all and I'm very grateful.
> 
> This is unbeta'd. Any and all mistakes are mine!
> 
> I don't think this story has even hit halfway, so I hope all of you will stay with me on this ride <3
> 
> Thank you again!

September 13th, 2006

Josie went over to Castiel’s side. “Are you okay, Cas? Are you... mad at Dean?” She asked, confused by what just happened. She’d never seen Castiel act that way towards anyone in all the time they’ve known each other. It was odd behavior for Castiel.

After having watched Dean stumble over himself a bit before leaving, Castiel sighed. “No, I’m not. I think I’m just frustrated at myself right now. I’ll get it together,” he answered. “I’m sorry you had to see me like that.”

Josie shook her head, giving him an understanding smile. “No, don’t be sorry. It’s okay. Do you want to talk about it?”

Castiel returned a smile. “No, but thank you for offering.” Josie gave him a hug.

“I understand, but maybe you should talk to Dean. He’s looking like a kicked puppy right now,” she said quietly. “I don’t know if something happened between you two but talking it out is best. You taught me that,” she explained. “But it’s completely up to you. You know the situation better than I do.”

“Yes, you’re right. Thank you,” he said, giving her a soft smile. “Dinner is almost ready. Do you want to set out the table?”

“Yeah, leave it to me,” Josie said. She turned and grabbed the plates before heading to the dinner table and setting down plates on the placemats. She looked over at the rest of their friends talking and getting to know Eileen, and her eyes rested on Dean. He looked so… _ sad _. He was nodding and smiling when the others did, but Josie could tell his heart wasn’t in it.

Josie herself wasn’t ready to get to know Eileen better quite yet, so she understood how out of place Dean felt. She went over to him, and tapped him on the shoulder.

“Hey, I’m setting up the table. Do you want to help me?” She asked.

Her gave her a grateful smile and nodded. “Yeah. What can I do?” He asked. She opened a drawer that held the eating utensils and nodded to them.

“Can you get these and put them with the plates?”

“Sure.” They both got to work setting the table, making easy conversation with one another as they did so. “Hey, so, not that it’s any of my business or anything, but I’m surprised you aren’t over there with Meg and Inias, you know, talking with Sam and Eileen,” Dean said. They’d finished setting up, so they just stood off to the side.

Josie blushed, toeing her foot into the carpet. “It’s selfish and childish. Kinda stupid,” she said, avoiding eye contact.

Dean moved closer and put his hand on her shoulder. “Is it-… Do you like Sam?” He asked, voice low and soft so as not to be accidentally overheard.

Josie nodded, her eyes watering a little. She felt so silly. She saw how much Sam loved Eileen and how beautiful and wonderful Eileen was and she felt inadequate. Josie felt insecure, for something she felt was unnecessary. Sam was her friend and she wanted to be happy for him, but she couldn’t right now.

“She’s great,” she said, her voice wavering a little. “And they both look so happy. So why can’t I be happy for them?”

Dean squeezed her shoulder and silently led her out onto the patio in the backyard, looking back to make sure Sam and the others didn’t see them. He froze when his eyes landed on Castiel, who was staring right back at him with a hard look in his eyes. Dean remembered Sam saying that Castiel taught him more sign language while he was here, so he held up his hands and signed quickly.

Be right back. Need to talk. 

Dean turned away, still feeling uncomfortable from the way Castiel spoke to him earlier, and faced Josie.

“I’m probably the last person to give advice, but I wanted to tell you that it’s okay. It’s okay to not be happy for them right now and let yourself embrace how you’re feeling. You don’t have to feel guilty about your emotions,” he explained, hoping he made sense. “Just let it all out and I guarantee you’ll feel a lot better afterwards.”

Josie laughed softly, wiping the tears that had fallen. “I was afraid you’d be angry with me,” she admitted. “Not that you give off that vibe or anything, but Sam’s your brother and I know you’re probably close to Eileen, too.”

Dean gave her a sad smile. “No, I get it. I think the old me would’ve had some problems with that though,” he stated. “I was such an asshole. I’m surprised Cas even…” He cut himself off and let them stand there in silence.

“Thank you for getting me out of there,” Josie said eventually. She was curious about what Dean was going to say, but let it go since he wasn’t ready to talk about it.

Dean bumped his shoulder against hers. “I should be saying that to you. I was feeling really out of place in there.”

“Looks like the start of a beautiful friendship, huh?” Josie quoted.

Dean threw his head back and let out a loud laugh. “Here’s looking at you, kid!” He quoted back. “Man, I love that movie.”

“Me, too!” Josie said, a bright smile finally back on her face. Dean smiled back fondly, happy that he could cheer her up. Even if it was for a bit.

Right then, Castiel came out. “We’re sitting down for dinner,” he said, fiddling with the kitchen towel in his hands. “Can I speak with you for a minute, Dean?”

Josie bumped her shoulder against Dean’s. “Sit next to me?” She asked.

“Definitely. Gotta talk classic movies, right?” He said.

“Sounds great. I’ll see you two in there,” she said, smiling at them both before heading in.

“Is, uh, everything okay, Cas?” He asked when Castiel hadn’t said anything.

“I’m just… worried, I guess. Josie is a really good friend of mine and, well, I know you’re not the same person you used to be,” he said, taking a deep breath, “but please don’t hurt her.”

Dean stood there, stunned, and a little offended, if he was being honest. “Do you think…?” Cas nodded. “Cas, I’m not looking to date anyone, or mess around either,” he said, crossing his arms to hide the fact that he was trying to hug himself. He understood why Castiel thought of him like that, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. “More than that, Josie is trying to heal her heart right now. I doubt she’s looking for anything, either.”

“Oh.” Castiel finally looked up into Dean’s eyes, the hard look completely gone. “I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable.”

Dean shifted his feet. “You kind of did. You got angry with me and I didn’t know why, but I can see that you were just trying to protect your friend. I’m sorry for not understanding that.”

Castiel moved closer. “Dean, please, let me explain it a little better,” he said. “The truth is… I was jealous.”

Dean blinked. “Jealous?”

“Yes,” Castiel said. “The conversation with Josie seemed to flow so easily.”

“But, Cas, I thought our conversations have been great.”

Castiel sighed again, frustrated. “No, I’m lying. I was jealous, because…” He paused, unsure of how to explain without making it weird between them.

Just as Castiel opened his mouth to speak, the patio door opened and Meg flew out, jumping on Castiel’s back. “Hey! We’re all starving. Come in so we can eat,” she said. Castiel stumbled a little, but he put his arms around her legs to hold her up properly.

“...Sure. We’ll continue our conversation later tonight, Dean,” Castiel told him. “Let’s go in.”

“Yeah, uh, no problem. So, Meg, my brother tells me you eat as much as him,” Dean said as they walked back in. “I find that a little hard to believe.”

Meg raised her brow. “Why, because I’m a woman or because I’m small?” She glared.

Dean let out a laugh. “No, because Sammy’s a blackhole!” He said, knowing she wasn’t seriously offended. Meg laughed, tightening her hold on Castiel’s shoulders.

“Isn’t he?” Meg said back.

“Hey!” Sam called out. “At least smacktalk to my face!”

“I yelled it, didn’t I?” Dean stuck his tongue out at him.

“Oh, real mature,” Sam teased.

“I’ll put Nair in your shampoo if you don’t quit testing me,” Dean smirked, taking the empty seat between Josie and Sam. Sam clamped his mouth shut. “I knew you wouldn’t risk your hair.”

Josie bumped her shoulder against Dean’s and smiled when he turned to look at her. Dean realized that was quickly becoming their thing and it made him happy. He had a friend here who seemed to understand him. It helped him to not feel so alone. Dean looked around at the table. Sam was sitting next to him, Eileen on the other side at the end of the table. Next to Eileen was Inias, then Meg, Cas at the head of the table, and finally Josie.

Josie leaned in a little. “Hey, is everything okay with Cas now?” She whispered.

Dean shrugged his shoulder a bit. “I’m not exactly sure, but we’re gonna talk more later,” he murmured back.

Castiel stood up and raised his glass of lemonade. “I’m really happy that most of us could be here for dinner tonight to celebrate the return of Sam and to welcome Sam’s significant other, Eileen, and my childhood friend, Dean. I’m glad you’re all here now,” Castiel said, giving everyone a bright smile. “Here’s to many years of friendship.”

Everyone raised their glasses and then took a drink.

“Thanks for the warm welcome, Cas,” Dean said, signing with his words. “And for letting us into your home.”

Castiel gave him a warm smile. “I’m happy to have you here,” he said. “All of you.”

“Thanks, Cas,” Sam said.

“We’re happy to be here with all of you,” Eileen added, smiling around at everyone.

“Yay, we all love each other! Let’s eat, I’m starting to get grumpy!” Meg said. Castiel sat back down and reached over to ruffle Meg’s hair a bit.

“Yes, let’s eat before Meg starves,” he teased. Everyone grabbed food and passed around bowls of sides until everyone had their food. Sam and Meg’s plates were packed the highest and they both gave each other a look. A challenge.

“Make sure y’all chew y’alls food,” Dean said, teasing them but also completely serious.

Everyone dug into their food and made easy conversation. Eileen spoke mostly with Sam and Inias since they were closer but Meg occasionally moved in to tease Inias, Dean and Josie spoke of classic movies, and Castiel ate silently as he normally did. He had a soft smile on his face as he watched his family having a great time with one another, but he felt odd every time he looked at Dean and Josie. He felt a sinking in the pit of his stomach watching them become close.

Castiel tried to shake it off, but he was reverting back to how he felt when Aaron first came into their lives and started taking up a lot of Dean’s time. It was difficult, but Castiel needed to figure out a way to be with the Dean _ now _, not the one he used to be. This Dean wasn’t looking for a relationship, and while Castiel didn’t know exactly how to feel about that, he was at least relieved that he wouldn’t be dating anyone.

Castiel was positive he still held feelings for Dean, especially after having seen him face to face for the first time since he left their hometown. He needed to figure out if those feelings were real or if they were just remnants of his teen self. On top of everything, he didn’t know how Dean felt about him. Sure, he was a little awkward and said things that could be misinterpreted as romantic, but he didn’t want to jump to conclusions.

“You okay, Cas?” Castiel snapped back to reality and looked at Dean, who spoke to him.

“Yes, I’m doing well. And you?”

Dean smiled. “Yeah. I was saying that the food is great. Thanks for making it,” he said.

“You all helped out a lot. It was a team effort.”

“It was a great turnout.”

Castiel nodded. “Yeah, it was.”

Dean bit his lip, seemingly in thought before he spoke, “So Josie and I were talking classic movies. Is your favorite still the Wizard of Oz?” He asked.

Castiel seemed taken aback. “You remember that?”

Dean rolled his eyes fondly. “How could I forget a movie you could quote at the top of your head? We watched it all the time because you loved it,” he laughed.

“I actually… haven’t watched it in quite a while,” Castiel admitted. He could watch that movie every single day back then. He made Sam and Dean sit through it so many times, but they never really complained. Castiel knew that was because he would quote it and then poorly sing the musical numbers when they came up, and they would enjoy watching him.

“Really? I’ve watched it a few times a year since Junior year,” Dean said. “We should watch it again while we’re here.”

“You watched it? But, you don’t like musicals,” Castiel said, tilting his head in confusion.

Dean shrugged, suddenly shy. “Ah, well, um,” he stumbled. “It was weird not seeing it after so many years of watching it, so I would put it on. It was, you know, comforting.” His face was red now and he did his best to think of anything else that wasn’t so personal to make the heat on his face disappear.

Josie leaned her head against Dean’s shoulder. “I think that’s really sweet, Dean,” she said, patting his arm.

Dean huffed, his cheeks still red, but eventually gave her a shy smile. “Erm, thanks,” he mumbled.

Castiel was surprised at how hard he was gripping his fork and immediately put it down, instead choosing to take a drink of his lemonade. He felt so ashamed for the way he was feeling; he wanted to talk this over with Dean instead of having to hide. They were adults this time.

Castiel then realized he needed to respond to Dean and gave him a small smile. “I’m glad I made you see the light,” he said, his voice coming out a little stiff.

Dean raised a brow at the tone, but nodded. “Yeah, it’s a great movie.” The three went back to eating.

“Hey, so how did you and Cas meet?” Meg asked abruptly. “You said childhood friend, but we hadn’t heard of you until a little while ago.”

Dean and Castiel shared a look before Castiel spoke up. “He and I met during elementary. In the sandbox,” he said, wanting to keep it simple.

“Yeah. He was playing by himself and I didn’t like that, so I went up to him and here we are,” Dean added, chuckling a little. Maybe no one else noticed, but Castiel could see his eyes become slightly glazed over as though he was remembering the simpler times.

“How come we’d never heard of you until now?” Meg continued, making what she assumed was harmless conversation, but everyone, aside from Meg and Josie, seemed to freeze for a brief moment.

Dean’s mouth opened and closed a couple of times before he huffed out a breathy laugh. “Well, back in high school, um, things changed and we drifted. Cas moved away, and we only recently got in touch with one another,” he explained. “I used to be such a dick.”

Meg looked over at Castiel with a raised brow. “Wait, _ he’s _the guy?” She asked.

Castiel nodded. “Yes.”

Meg turned back to Dean, eyes a little hard. “How’d you even find him?”

Dean was going to answer, but Castiel beat him to it. “I was the one to reach out to him.”

Josie looked between Dean and Castiel, silent, before bumping her shoulder against Dean’s. “Well, if you’re here, then that means Castiel trusts you. He knows what he’s doing. Besides, you seem like a good guy to me,” he said.

Dean gave Josie a great smile and put his arm around her for a quick hug. “Thanks, Jos. That means a lot.” He turned to look back at Meg, who was still a little on guard, and sat up a little straighter. “Meg, I don’t blame you for probably not liking me, because, like I said and as you probably heard, I was an dick. But I’m here to make things right with Cas. I want to be in his life again, so long as he wants me to.”

Meg stared at him for a while longer before exhaling through her nose and giving him a soft smile. “I can respect a person who owns up to their shit. I’m not in any position to judge anyone for who they used to be. So long as Cas wants you here and you’re treating him right, then all’s good with us,” she said. “And Josie’s right. You seem like a good guy.”

Dean visibly relaxed, though his heart was still hammering in his chest. He didn’t know what he would’ve done if they’d change their minds about him. Especially Josie, because he felt much closer with her, able to relate to her more. He really liked her.

When Dean looked over at Castiel, the man had a smile on his face, bright and warm, looking at Meg as though he were extremely proud of her. And Dean could see why. Meg seemed like the toughest out of all of them. Dean hoped Castiel would smile at him like that, one day.

The group continued eating their dinner and making easy conversation with one another. Every now and then, Dean and Castiel would make eye contact and smile at one another before looking away. It warmed Sam’s heart to see his two best friends finding each other once again, but he didn’t let that distract him too long from his eating competition with Meg.

After dinner, there was still a decent amount left, so Josie and Meg took plates to go. They called it a night when it was nearing eleven, but promised to sleep over next week for Castiel’s birthday. As promised, right after dinner, Castiel had gone and come back with two lollipops and gave them to Meg and Inias. Meg still had hers wrapped up when she and Josie left, but Inias was nearly done with it.

“Cas, can I stay tonight?” Inias asked. Sam and Eileen were nodding off on the long sofa opposite side of Dean, Castiel was sitting on the floor in front of his recliner, where Inias was laying on it sideways as he watched TV upside down.

“Of course. I already thought you were,” Castiel answered, not taking his eyes off the book he was reading. “Would you like to sleep in your own room or with me?”

“I’ll sleep with you tonight,” Inias said, his own eyes never leaving the TV. Dean tried his best to focus on the book he’d picked from Castiel’s bookshelf, but knowing that Castiel and Inias, his ex-boyfriend, were going to be sleeping in the same bed made that a lot more difficult.

He knew it was nothing serious. He and Cas used to sleep in the same bed all the time, before they started messing around, and it was always innocent. Even after they started fooling around, it was innocent. It was never just about the sex with Castiel. It was a perk, but it wasn’t the only reason.

“Hey, we’re gonna head to bed,” Sam said, yawning as he and Eileen stood up. Dean set his book aside and stood up, too. He hugged Sam and then Eileen, kissing her head.

“G’night,” Dean said.

Castiel and Inias also stood and hugged the two. “Good night,” said Castiel.

“Night,” Inias said. “I have work in the morning, so you both’ll probably be asleep when I leave. It was great meeting you, Eileen. I’ll see you next week!”

“It was good meeting you, too,” Eileen said. “Have a good day.”

Inias laughed. “Thank you,” he said. Sam and Eileen went to their room and now it was just Castiel, Dean, and Inias. Dean continued reading, hoping Inias would get sleepy and head upstairs soon, so he and Castiel could finish their talk.

“Yes!” Inias exclaimed, holding up the empty stick where his lollipop used to be. “Finished!”

Castiel looked up and smiled at his friend. “Yes, just in time, too. It’s almost midnight. Don’t forget to brush your teeth,” he said, almost like a parent. It made Dean smile a little, remembering how both of them would parent Sam when they were growing up.

“Aw, come on, Castiel!” Inias whined.

“Nope. Go brush your teeth, and lay off the candy for the rest of the night,” Castiel replied, turning back to his book.

Inias huffed, a pout on his face. “Fine. I’ll be back,” he mumbled. He smiled at Dean as he passed him, and Dean returned it. Dean kept his eyes on his book until he heard a door close upstairs. His shoulders relaxed. He felt a lot better when it was just him and Castiel. Ever since they were kids and, despite seven years apart, it seemed to be the same.

“Dean,” Castiel said. He cleared his throat and set his book down. Dean set his aside.

“What’s the word, Cas?” He said, trying to seem normal.

“About our earlier conversation…” He trailed off. Dean waited for him to continue. “I was jealous. Of Josie.”

Dean tilted his head in confusion. “But why?” Castiel shifted, clearly a little uncomfortable. “You don’t have to talk about it right now if you don’t want to. It can wait,” Dean said, trying to reassure him.

Castiel shook his head. “No, we’re adults now. I don’t want to avoid having conversations that need to be had.”

“Okay. I’m all ears, Cas.”

“I was jealous because… she can be so affectionate with you,” he said all in one breath.

“Affectionate?” Dean asked. Castiel nodded. “Do you want to be affectionate with me?”

Castiel shrugged. “I don’t know, but I do know that seeing her be that way with you made me… angry. Jealous. And, also, ashamed. I thought I was over that, but I don’t think I am. All I can see is another Aaron or another Lisa.”

Dean thought over Castiel’s words for a moment, trying to make sense of them while also trying not to get too excited. Did Castiel still love him? Did he, perhaps, have another chance to treat Castiel with the love and respect he deserved from a partner? Dean didn’t have those answers. Right now, it was best to just maintain their friendship and see where it leads. It was best to take things slow. Dean didn’t want to mess this up.

“For the longest time it was just me, you, and Sammy. From when we were about five to when we were fourteen. Then Aaron came along and it was difficult to divide my time between everyone. Aaron didn’t like how much time we spent together, so I tried to cut back on that, even though it was real fuckin’ stupid and it just hurt both of us. Then you… you kissed me. When I told you that Aaron wanted to go out, you kissed me. It threw me for a damn loop, but I-I loved it. I didn’t realize it until then, but it was what I’d wanted to do for years. But then, you know, Bobby got worse, like, real bad. And it was just us three most of the time while he was in and out of the hospital. You were there for us. We appreciated that. So did Bobby, when he got better again and came home.”

Castiel listened silently.

“Then your dad got sick and we barely even talked and when it came time to make a decision, I chose Aaron. I chose him because if Aaron and I ever broke up, it was okay. I could easily remove him from my life, but I couldn’t do that with you. And then we hung out again, not as much as before, but, yeah. The kiss was basically forgotten. Then, um, your dad passed and a couple of months past.” Dean’s chest felt tight and there was a lump in his throat. “Then Bobby passed. And then you kissed me again, and when we looked at each other, we _ knew _ what we were doing, but we kept going. Of course, I see now that you were probably just testing my faithfulness, and I failed, but I was hooked. I had you and I had Aaron. And instead of letting go of one of you, I clung so hard. I needed _ both _ of you, I thought.”

Dean finally looked to Castiel, whose eyes were sad and instinctively reach out to comfort him, but then pulled away.

“Why are you saying this now?” Castiel whispered.

“My point is that it was always just us. And ever since a new person came into the picture, we didn’t know how to deal with it. I-I was the same today. With you and, um, Inias. When I found out you two dated, it hurt, and I know I don’t have the right, but I couldn’t help that feeling. I’m sorry. And then seeing you two so,” Dean waved, looking for the word, “affectionate made me feel misplaced. Having so many people around felt off. It felt like there wasn’t room for me here.”

“You felt like that?”

Dean nodded. “Yeah. I felt jealous, too. I really did,” he admitted. “It’s kinda funny that we were feelin’ the same way, but misunderstood one another. You thought I was trying to hook up with Josie and I thought you were mad at me.”

Castiel scooted a little closer to Dean’s legs, almost as though he were trying to sit between them like he used to. Dean wanted, so badly, for Castiel to be there again. Maybe one day.

“Dean, I can assure you that everything between me and Inias is purely platonic. He’s my best friend,” Castiel said, and Dean did his best to ignore the pain in his chest at that. He understood. It’s been seven years. Castiel needed others. “We tried and it didn’t work. He’s seeing someone else, hoping to start dating.”

Dean nodded, relaxing and trying not to cry with relief.

“I need to ask you a bold question,” Castiel said, pointedly looking at the floor and not at Dean. Dean felt himself curious more than nervous, but just barely.

“What is it?” He asked, hoping his voice didn’t shake.

Just then Inias came back down. “What time are you going to bed, Castiel? I need to lay down already,” he said, newly dressed in pajamas. Dean tried not to look so upset at the thought of Inias having his own pajamas here, let alone his work clothes, but with the glance Castiel gave him, he was sure he failed.

“I’m coming up now. I know you have to wake up at seven,” Castiel answered. “Dean? Will you be okay here?”

Inias looked at him. “If you two were having a serious talk, I can just wait in the room,” he said and Dean could tell her absolutely meant it. “I know that there must be a lot to talk about.”

Dean shook his head. “That’s okay. Cas and I, we have time,” he said, meaning that, too. Dean wasn’t going to disappear and neither was Castiel. They had a whole month to work through their history, and he had absolute faith that they could do it. He wasn’t going to fail, and Castiel was the strongest person he knew. He wasn’t going to either. “But thank you, Inias. It was really great meeting you. Thank you, you know, for bein’ here. Cas is the best guy I know.

Inias gave him such a warm smile and surprised Dean by pulling him into a tight hug. “I know you see Castiel for who he truly is, and I’m glad you’re here again. I know you’re a better person than you used to be, Dean, and I’m excited to see the legendary friendship between you and Castiel.”

Dean returned the hug. “Thanks, um, for not hating me,” he said. Inias pulled back and looked deep into his eyes.

“I can tell you did plenty of that for many years now. That time is over and done with. It’s okay now,” Inias assured him. Dean knew, without a doubt, that it was because of Inias’s influence that Castiel was able to reach his own nirvana. Inias was a good man. Dean smiled at him and patted his shoulder.

“I think you’re right about that. It may take me some time, but I’ll get there. Now, go get some sleep and don’t try to sneak into Cas’s candy stash while he’s asleep,” Dean teased.

“How’d you know I was gonna do that?!” He exclaimed, but then stopped when he realized he outed his plan. “Damn it. I was just kidding, Cas!” But it was too late. Castiel was already eyeing his suspiciously. Dean couldn’t help but let out a small laugh.

“Inias, you wait down here while I move the candy,” Castiel said. “Good night, Dean. I’ll see you tomorrow when you wake up.”

“Sure thing. Night, Cas,” Dean replied as he stepped aside to let Castiel pass him and go up to his room. Dean smiled as he watched him go.

“Dean,” Inias said, his voice serious. Dean turned to him. “Castiel told me about everything that happened between you two growing up and while I didn’t think it was a good idea to reach out to you in the beginning, I can see now that you’re a good guy. You were just a little lost, but I know you’re good. Castiel used to talk about you all the time when we first met. Random memories here and there, some late nights calling me to cry, other times to rant about what an asshole you were, the usual breakup stuff. But, most of all, he missed you. I know he probably still misses you right now, just as you miss him.”

“You think so?” Dean asked, eyes sad.

“Yeah, I really think so. So, just don’t give up on him again, okay?” Inias smiled.

“I’ll never let go of him again, not unless he wants me to. I promise,” Dean said, holding his hand out. Inias took it. Dean’s word was the best thing he had.

“Inias, you may now come up,” Castiel called from upstairs.

“Well, good night, Dean.”

“G’night, man.”

Dean watched Inias go before he turned and started shutting off the lights and emptied the dehumidifier before finally going back to his room and getting ready for bed. He changed into a loose-fitting t-shirt and laid down, wide awake and mind racing.

All the information he received from Castiel was almost suffocating. He didn’t know how to react. Castiel had been _ jealous _, but in a different way than he had been jealous of Inias. Castiel didn’t know how to be with Dean in a group of people and, while Dean felt the same, he didn’t know how to react to Castiel in a relationship with someone else. He needed to sort his thoughts out. And he needed to sort out his feelings.

When Dean finally felt sleepy enough to drift away, there was a knock on his door startling him awake. He got up, clearly confused as to who would be knocking at nearly two in the morning, and cracked the door open. It was Castiel. Dean opened the door wider.

“Cas? You okay?” He asked.

“Yes, I just-… That question I need to ask you. I thought it would be best to do it now, while it was just us,” he said. Dean, feeling like an idiot, realized that it was just the two of them awake in that big house. They were basically in their element. This is where they shined the brightest.

“I understand. Do you, uh, wanna come in and sit down?” Dean asked.

Castiel hesitated before nodding and coming in when Dean stepped aside. He closed the door behind Castiel and tried to calm his pounding heart; he felt like he was in a cartoon and his heart would burst through his chest at any moment.

Castiel sat on the floor next to Dean’s bed, and Dean sat down next to him. Castiel seemed surprised, but didn’t mention it outloud.

“Dean, do you,” he paused. “Maybe, um,… Maybe have feelings for me still?” 

Dean froze, his heart now _ hammering _ in his chest. He was afraid Castiel could hear it. “I-I don’t know, Cas. I can’t tell you if it’s just lingering feelings from when we were younger or if they’re _ real _,” he said. “L-Like, uh, something to build on.” It was hard. It was hard admitting that, but it was easier to say it in the dark, with only the light from the half moon in the sky shining in through the blinds. “I’m… I’m sorry.”

Castiel was silent for a long time, and Dean grew more and more paranoid. Had he hurt Castiel’s feelings? Had he maybe laid too much on him too soon? Should he have just not answered the question instead? His mind was going too fast.

Finally, “Dean,” said Castiel. “It’s okay. I-I am pretty sure you and I are feeling the same. I don’t know if what I have for you is actually genuine or if it’ll disappear the more time we spend together. I don’t even know if it’s a good idea for us to be close anymore, but I just know that I miss my best friend. I miss how we used to be. I’d rather you and I always remain close friends, than risk it with trying to be something more again.”

And that was it. The door was closed. Dean felt sad, but he didn’t blame Castiel, not in the least. After all, he was right. He’d rather have Castiel by his side as a friend than not at all. He always thought those reasons for not being with something were bullshit, but it made too much sense in this case. He couldn’t deny it.

“Yeah, Cas. I think you’re right. You mean too much to me, too much to risk a relationship with,” he admitted. Slowly, he felt Castiel inch his way closer, a hand covering his.

“I’m sorry, Dean,” Castiel whispered, holding Dean’s hand tight.

Dean held back just as tight, a single tear slipping down his face. His voice was steady as he spoke. “Me, too, Cas.” Dean leaned over and pressed his lips to Castiel’s head, his eyes closing as another tear fell.

This was something they both needed to accept. While they were adults now and more mature than before, they recognized their friendship was too big and too fragile to involve love.

Dean walked Castiel back to the door, hand in hand, and bid him a good night. Only once he closed the door, and laid in bed did he allow himself to cry a little more. To mourn a relationship that would never happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Despite where the characters are, no, this isn’t the end for them. This is a slow burn and mutual pining fic. But, more than that, this is about growing a healthy relationship first and bettering oneself. So I hope y’all will stick around with me <3


	35. Dean and Castiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Early birthday gift and old memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! It's been nearly a month since I last updated this story and I hadn't even realized :(
> 
> I've been doing my best to get this out sooner, but I'm sad to say that I have a strong case of writer's block due to massive stress. I'm working hard to break my way through the wall and climb out of this hole, because I really do miss Dean and Castiel but it's a slow process. I'm not wanting to push it because they, and of course you all as well, deserve better than a forced chapter. I hope y'all enjoy!
> 
> As always, this is not beta'd. Any and all mistakes are completely mine!
> 
> Please comment and let me know what y'all think about the story so far! Maybe some predictions, or thoughts on Dean and Castiel's recent decision and wants?
> 
> I really missed y'all.  
Enjoy! <3

September 14th, 2006

Castiel woke up when Inias was getting out of bed for work.

“Morning already?” He asked, voice thick with sleep.

Inias smiled back at him, the morning light just barely peeking into the room. “Yeah. I gotta get ready for work. Where did you go last night?” He asked.

Castiel pushed his face into the pillow and held his breath for a moment before looking up at his friend. “I went to go see Dean.”

“Did you..?” Inias trailed off.

“We’ve established that although we do have a bit of feelings for one another still, we value our friendship more. We’ve decided to stay as friends only and pursue nothing more,” he explained, almost clinically. It was simple enough, so why did he feel like his heart was breaking all over again.

“But why, Cas?” Inias put his hand on Castiel’s side to comfort him.

“We’re not ready to be in relationships. I can’t exactly hold one down, as you know, and Dean just got out of a very serious relationship as well. And it’s also better that he continues focusing on himself.” Castiel put his hand over Inias’s and held it.

“Does it hurt?”

“Yes,” Castiel answered. “But I’ll be okay. This is for the best.”

Inias didn’t look too convinced and Castiel couldn’t blame him for that at all. Dean was a major part of his life, and he probably always would be. How would Dean act towards him now, when he’s rejected him? Could they be the friends they once used to be? Was it even possible? 

Inias leaned down and kissed Castiel’s cheek before he stood and began his morning routine. Castiel stared at the ceiling for a moment before getting up and heading downstairs to make coffee for himself and Inias. He didn’t expect to see the others for at least a few more hours as it was still too early.

“Dean?” Castiel asked, shocked to see his friend on the couch reading a book. He held his breath.

Dean looked up at him and smiled and he could breathe again. “Heya, Cas. Sleep good?” He asked. “Made some coffee.”

“Ah, um, yes, thank you. I slept well. I’m surprised to see you up, especially so early,” Castiel said. “Is everything all right?”

Dean went back to reading his book, trying not to watch Castiel get a cup of coffee. “Yeah. I got a few hours. Guess I’m still not used to the time difference,” he said. “You got any plans for today?”

Castiel took his coffee and sat in his recliner. “I was going to do more writing today, but if there’s something you’d like to do, then we can do that.”

Dean shook his head. “No, that’s okay. I already have plans. I was just asking,” he assured Castiel.

“You have… plans?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you and Sam going somewhere with Eileen?” Castiel asked. “Would you like me to drive you? Or you can take the truck.”

“Oh. No, just me,” Dean said, his eyes still on the book, but just scanning the words. He couldn’t focus with Castiel so close to him, especially after what happened last night.

“Where are you going?” Castiel took a sip of his coffee, eyes on the floor. It felt so tense between the two and Castiel didn’t like it. He hoped he was only imagining it, this bigger space between them.

Dean looked up at him finally. “I’m just gonna walk around. Explore a little,” he said, giving him a small smile that just barely reached his eyes.

“...Alone?”

Dean set his book aside, taking a deep breath. “Okay. What’s the word, Cas?” He asked, worried about all the questions his friend was asking. Sure, it made sense to Dean that he was worried because he was in a territory he wasn’t familiar with, but Castiel was being stiff in his speech. Like he was unsure. It was Dean’s job to ease that worry, especially if it involved him.

Castiel bit his lip, seemingly searching for the right words. “Are we… okay?” He finally asked. “I know last night was something, and I just don’t want this to drive a wedge between us.”

Dean’s smile grew wider, this time reaching his eyes. Happy. “Yeah, buddy. We’re okay. You don’t have to worry about that. We made the right call,” he said honestly. “I’m not gonna lie and say that my heart isn’t hurtin’ somethin’ awful, but I’ll deal, y’know?”

“Your heart hurts?” Dean nodded and Castiel smiled. “Mine, too.”

“Looks like we’re in the same boat. Or, I guess, sandbox sounds much better, don’t it?”

“Yes. Sandbox fits appropriately.” The two smiled at one another. Dean picked up his book, and this time was able to read properly. Castiel relaxed back into his recliner, sipping his coffee every so often, smiles lingering on both of their faces as they sat in a comfortable silence. “Would you like to watch a movie, Dean?” Castiel asked eventually.

“What'd ‘ya have in mind?”

“Well, hearing you talk about the Wizard of Oz yesterday made me realize how much I missed it. If you’re feeling up to it, maybe we could watch it.”

Dean grinned. “Complete with the singing and the quoting?”

Castiel’s face grew hot, slightly embarrassed. “I’m not sure how much of it I do remember.”

“I’m sure it’ll be like riding a bike!” Dean laughed. “Do you have the DVD or tape?”

Castiel paused. “I’m afraid I don’t. I didn’t even think about that, I’m sorry.”

Dean hesitated for a moment, looking a bit indecisive before sighing softly. “Why don’t you come with me for a minute,” he said, standing up and setting the book aside.

Castiel stood up with him. “Where are we going?”

“To my room. Got something for you,” Dean said.

Just then Inias came down the steps and flung himself into their arms, the two men grunting and stumbling back a little, but catching Inias.

“Did you have candy already? How the hell are you so energetic this early?” Dean asked.

“I’m never really in a grumpy mood,” Inias answered proudly. “I should get going. Got a bit of a drive. See you both next week?”

“Of course,” Castiel answered, pulling him into a hug. Inias planted a huge kiss on Castiel’s cheek as he pulled away. “Drive carefully. Send me a text message when you arrive at work.”

“You got it, Cas.” Inias gave Dean a quick hug and a peck on the cheek. “See you, Dean.”

Dean’s face was red, having never had a man, other than Castiel and Aaron, kiss his cheek. “Yeah. Be careful.” Dean touched his cheek after Inias walked out the front door.

“Sorry about that. Inias is very affectionate, but if you’re uncomfortable with that then I’d be happy to talk to him about it,” Castiel said.

Dean smiled softly, shaking his head. “No, it’s okay. I didn’t mind it. I just threw me off. No other guy has done that since, you know… you,” Dean said honestly. “It was nice though.” Castiel’s cheeks went a little pink causing Dean’s smile to widen. “C’mon,” he said and led the way to the room he was staying in.

“What do you have for me?” Castiel asked.

“Your birthday gifts,” Dean said. “I know it’s next week, but you really want to see the Wizard of Oz.” Dean opened the door to his room and walked inside. He opened the closet and dug inside his suitcase.

“Did you… get me the DVD?”

“Yeah, something like that.” Dean pulled out two boxes, gift-wrapped with bows on top. He thought the bows were too much, but Sam and Eileen insisted that it would look better. He held them out to Castiel. “Uh, if you don’t like them, then I can return them and find you something else. So, be honest, yeah?” He said nervously. Dean knew Castiel wasn’t like that, but he was still concerned; he wanted to get a really great gift for Castiel.

Castiel took them and sat on the floor, a shy smile on his face. “I’m sure I’ll love them, Dean.” Castiel opened the thicker box first, confused on a second bigger gift when Dean said he’d gotten him the DVD, and gasped when he saw what it was. “This is the 1999 Delux Edition of the movie, Dean, this is amazing!” He said, carefully but quickly opening the plastic wrapped around it.

After peeling off the plastic and touching the smooth cover, his breath caught in awe at the beautiful cover. On the dark emerald green cover was the main tetrad (Dorothy in the upper left, Scarecrow in the upper right, Cowardly Lion in the bottom left, and Tin Man in the bottom right) and in the middle, starting between Cowardly Lion and Tin Man was the yellow brick road leading to the Emerald City in the middle of the cover. On the yellow brick road was the quartet, mid-skip, on their way to see the Wizard.

“This is gorgeous, Dean.”

Dean blushed. “See what’s in it,” he encouraged softly.

Castiel went to take off the lid, when he discovered that it opened from one side, like a book. Sitting right on top was a black and white photo of when Dorothy and Scarecrow found the Tin Man. Castiel couldn’t believe his eyes. He picked it up and was happily surprised when there were more photos. Picking them up one by one, he saw there were three black and white photos and three colored photos. The three colored photos and one black and white photo were different movie posters and two of the black and white photos were scenes from the movie.

“This is when Glinda told the Munchkins to come out and thank Dorothy for killing the Witch of the East, and this is when they found Tin Man,” Castiel said, his voice soft with awe. He laid them out so Dean could see them as well. “Aren’t they gorgeous?” He asked.

“They look really good, Cas,” Dean agreed.

Castiel looked down into the box and actually  _ gasped _ . He picked up the book inside the box and held it up. “Dean, this is… it’s the  _ script _ !” he said excitedly, his voice shaking. “I-I can’t believe this. I’ve been wanting to read the script for a very long time and I didn’t think I’d ever get a chance to.” Castiel couldn’t wait to read this. He set it down and smiled at what was beneath. It was the actual movie. His favorite movie of all time.

“You ready to watch that movie, Cas?” Dean said, chuckling softly.

“Yes. Yes, I am. Dean, this is so amazing. How did you even find this?”

“Sam taught me how to shop online. The internet is definitely becoming popular. It’s really cool to watch,” Dean explained. The small town they came from, it was like growing up in the 70’s when it was the 80’s. They always seemed to be a decade behind, but it never mattered to them. They couldn’t even tell the difference until they moved to bigger cities. “Open your second one.”

Castiel had completely forgotten about the second gift. He carefully put everything up aside from the DVD since they were going to be watching that and picked up the second gift. This was the size of a DVD, so Castiel wondered what other movie Dean got him. He tore off the wrapping and tilted his head in confusion. It was the Wizard of Oz.

“Three-disc collector’s edition,” he read aloud. “What could they possibly put on three discs?” He asked Dean.

“I read that it was The Making Of, outtakes, deleted scenes, commentary, and I think some trivia, too,” Dean explained. “It was released just last year, so a lot of this is new, I think. I thought it was the coolest thing!”

“It  _ is _ the coolest thing!” Castield agreed. “Dean, this is so wonderful. I can’t thank you enough,” he said. He put the DVD down and moved closer to Dean before pulling him in a tight embrace. “I love it all,” he mumbled into his shoulder.

Without hesitating, Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel’s waist, returning the hug happily. “I’m glad, Cas,” he replied. They stayed hugging longer than it was probably necessary, but neither made a move to pull away for a few moments.

Dean pulled back a little. “Let’s go back. I’m excited to see you sing the songs again,” he teased playfully.

“I hope you’re right about it being like riding a bike.”

Dean stood and helped Castiel up. “I’m sure it will be, but, in case it’s not, I still remember all of it,” Dean assured him. “So, I’ll do it in your place.”

“Is that you, Dean Winchester? Offering to  _ sing _ when you’ve always been awfully shy about it?” Castiel inquired, teasing but also genuinely shocked. Growing up, Dean liked to obnoxiously sing off key in the car or house or wherever they happened to be. He enjoyed annoying Sam and Castiel as much as he could, although it never irritated him the way Dean thought. Castiel was bothered because he knew that Dean could sing very well.

Dean sang for him once. It was a The Beatles song;  _ Something _ . Right before Aaron came into their lives and then everything became a mess. Castiel hadn’t realized that he was still slightly blaming Aaron for the start of their fall. Dean singing  _ Something _ to him had been a dream. He’d been a bit nervous and slightly embarrassed for Dean because, up until the moment he sang his first note, Castiel thought Dean couldn’t sing to save his life. He was extremely shocked and touched that Dean had trusted him so much.

He’d asked Dean why he pretended not to sing well and when Dean responded with an uncomfortable shrug, Castiel dropped it. It was another secret between the two, one only they knew. It was nice. Although he knew he shouldn’t be happy about secrets from Sam, it made him happy that it only belonged to him and Dean. Even now, thinking about it, it still makes him happy. Castiel tried not to think about the fact that Dean probably sang to Aaron and definitely to Lisa.

“Yeah, yeah, soak it in. I haven’t seriously sang in front of anyone since that time we were in the 8th grade, so don’t judge me if I do actually end up getting shy about it,” Dean said, ending his sentence with a huff. Castiel paused, causing Dean to run into his back. “Sorry. You okay there, Cas?”

Castiel turned around to look at him, his eyes looking directly into Dean’s. “You didn’t sing for Aaron or Lisa?” He asked. “Sam?” Dean shook his head. “Why not?”

Dean shrugged, chewing his lip a little before speaking, “It just never felt right, I guess?”

Castiel smiled at Dean before putting the DVD in. “Are you going to watch the extras with me as well or is that where you draw the line?” Castiel asked, mostly teasing his old friend.

Without hesitation, Dean nodded. “Definitely! I wouldn’t miss it,” he said.

Castiel raised a brow. “Really?” He asked.

Dean shrugged, taking a seat on the couch. “Well, yeah. I’m here to spend time with you, Cas,” he said easily. Castiel couldn’t help but smile, turning away quickly because his face was becoming hot. “So, I’m gonna spend time with you. Besides, the movie really grew on me.”

Castiel took a seat in his recliner and watched in awe as the title screen came up. He smiled widely when he heard one of Judy Garland’s most iconic lines: “ _ Toto, I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore. _ ”

“I’ve never seen this on DVD before,” Castiel said.

“It’ll be a first for me, too. I just always watched the VHS because we had it.”

“Well, then I’m glad we’ll be experiencing it together.”

Dean smiled wistfully, licking his lips before he spoke, “Feels almost like old times, huh? Just as older people.”

Castiel nodded, unable to bring himself to say that he wanted to sit on the floor in front of Dean. He felt a pull to be there, just as he used to growing up. Normally, he’d be much more open about his feelings, but his friendship with Dean was still in its fragile state, especially after their decision last night.

Castiel pressed play and sat back, getting comfortable in his chair. In his peripheral, he saw Dean do the same, a content smile on both their faces. Right as the beginning played, Castiel was suddenly back in the Winchesters’ living room. He felt happy again. The memories back then he absolutely cherished, even after they broke each other’s hearts, but the memories  _ now _ , these were the ones that mattered most of all.

Like a second nature, something Castiel didn’t even have to think about, his mouth opened and he quoted the movie in perfect time and tone, “ _ She isn’t coming yet, Toto. Did she hurt you? She tried to, didn’t she? _ ” He then looked right at Dean, who was already staring at him with a fond smile on his face.

“See? I told you it was just like riding a bike,” Dean said, a playful glint in his eye.

“I honestly didn’t think I would remember. It’s been  _ years _ since I’ve seen it.”

“Cas, you spent way more years watching it all the time than the years you didn’t. It’s no surprise to me.” Castiel gave him a smile and they both turned back to the movie to watch Dorothy try to explain what Miss Gulch did to Toto. “My favorite was always Scarecrow, or Hunk, I guess.”

Castiel hummed. “I always had a soft spot for the Tin Man. He just wanted a heart and he wasn’t afraid to show his emotions. He was proud of them; They weren’t a weakness to him. I think that takes a lot of strength.”

When Dorothy starts singing  _ Somewhere Over the Rainbow _ , the two stayed quiet as they always did when this number came up. Judy Garland’s voice was Heaven sent and interrupting that song, to them, was a crime in and of itself.

“You know, I always got a little emotional when that damn witch took Toto away,” Dean said, when Miss Gulch came with the order to take Toto away. “I always felt that that was me.”

“What do you mean?” Castiel asked, turning to look at him again.

Dean shifted in his spot a little bit before opening up. “I felt that Asshole Dean was always trying to take away the person I loved most while Innocent Dean was clinging to them, wanting to protect them.” Dean paused. “I’m not making any sense, am I?” He laughed nervously.

“No, no, I understand what you’re saying,” Castiel said. “You’re talking about it as if Miss Gulch is Dorothy’s inner demon rather than an entirely different person. I never thought of it that way. For me, Dorothy was losing her best friend because an outsider’s intrusion was causing him to lash out. She was losing the only one who would listen to her when no one else seemed to.” Castiel looked right into Dean’s eyes and gave him a small smile. “But Toto came back to her.”

Dean raised a brow. “You comparin’ me to a dog, Cas?” He teased.

Castiel rolled his eyes, trying to hide his smile behind a cough. “I thought we were having a wonderful moment,” he shot back, sighing dramatically in a way he hadn’t done since he was a teenager. Dean could just bring it out of him without realizing.

Dean chuckled, “It’s okay. You were Toto in my analogy, too.” Castiel smiled at him. Dean returned it before they both went back to the movie where Dorothy was currently talking to Professor Marvel. Dean looked down at the empty spot between his legs, where Castiel would sit every time they watched any movie.

Back when Dean would watch this with Lisa, he would stare down at the empty space in front of him and  _ long _ for Castiel to be there. Looking back, he probably should’ve felt guilty for thinking about Castiel for a majority of his relationship with Lisa, but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t feel guilty for loving Castiel and missing him.

Even when he would insist on watching the movie a second, and sometimes third, time in a row and Lisa would get annoyed, he still couldn’t feel guilty. That had been a routine for him growing up. Castiel had been part of all of it and he couldn’t erase him that quickly, or even at all. After Castiel had just  _ disappeared _ right after graduation, he was a lingering cloud in he and Lisa’s relationship.

When Dean first brought Castiel’s book home, he and Lisa got into a huge argument that neither had won. Dean slept on the couch and Lisa woke up to an empty apartment for about a week. He’d leave to work much earlier than necessary to avoid even looking at her, because he just couldn’t. After the things she said about Castiel, he just couldn’t look at her for that week. It only calmed down because Dean was tired of getting up too early and Lisa took it as him caving first. He was welcomed back into the bed the following day and they never talked about it again.

Dean jolted back when he heard Dorothy cry out after getting hit in the head with the window and he focused back on the movie. He stretched his legs out and crossed them at the ankles to try and rid the want and need to have Castiel sitting there. Dean snuck a glance at his old friend and his selfishness instantly vanished when he saw the look of love and awe on Castiel’s face as he watched his favorite movie become a remastered color. He turned back to the movie to enjoy it himself.

“Is your favorite song still ‘ _ Ding, Dong! The Witch is Dead! _ ’?” Castiel asked, knowing that song was coming next after ‘ _ Come Out, Come Out _ ’.

“Always,” Dean answered. “Is yours still ‘ _ If I Only Had a Brain _ ’?”

“Definitely.”

Maybe one day, Dean thought, Castiel would be comfortable enough to sit in front of him again. He hoped with all of his being that it would happen during his visit, but he didn’t want to push his luck. Dean wanted to do their friendship right this time around, now that he was getting a second chance. One that he definitely didn’t deserve, but Dean wasn’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Dean’s face hurt from smiling so much. He closed his eyes and listened to Castiel quote the movie word for word, stumbling only a couple of times. It almost felt like they were back in Bobby’s house and it was the weekend, which hardly mattered because Castiel would stay on school nights sometimes too, and they were watching this movie for the tenth time that week.

Opening his eyes and looking around the home Castiel had created for himself, he felt like this was home now, too. It had Castiel’s scent and belongings. All the pictures of him and his friends, the weird knick-knacks, his massive book collection, the throw pillows that clashed with the color of the couches, the throw blanket that looked homemade. It was all simply  _ Castiel _ , and Dean knew he wanted to be nowhere but right here, watching the Wizard of Oz while his brother and Eileen slept.

For a second, Dean entertained the thought of not going back to Texas, letting himself smile at how happy that would make him. To be with Castiel every day, just as they used to.

“Man, wouldn’t that be amazing?” Dean chuckled.

Castiel turned to look at him, a confused look in his royal blue eyes. “What would?” He asked.

Dean paused for just a second before responding, “To be in Oz.”

Castiel tilted his head, but then smiled warmly at Dean. “Yes,” he answered. “It certainly would be.” In just a few moments, Dean busted out laughing as Castiel turned to him and started singing with all his might. “ _ It really was no miracle! What happened was just this…! _ ” And Dean soon joined in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be focusing on Sam, Eileen, and Castiel (It will be posted in LTSW)!


	36. Dean and Castiel (Mostly)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The others get a look into Castiel's friendship with Inias
> 
> And Castiel gets a small peek into Dean's relationship with Lisa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, all! I know it's been a little while since I've uploaded a new chapter to this story, and I'm sorry for that, but despite all the extra free time I have, I haven't had any creativity flowing through me. This chapter has been in the works since the other one was posted, so I really hope you all enjoy it! This chapter is 5534 words :))
> 
> I hope everyone is staying safe during this pandemic! You've heard it all before, but I'm also going to say it: Keep yourself clean, wash your hands, don't touch your face, clean all the surfaces in your home that are touched often, and try to avoid getting too close to people! If not for yourself, then for those around you who could have preexisting conditions! Having fibromyalgia, I'm immunocompromised, and it's especially difficult seeing so many people not following the advice of the CDC. 
> 
> What have you been doing to keep yourself preoccupied? If there is anyone who needs/wants to talk, you can find me on my Tumblr @/castielsangel-blade or on Twitter @/RevolutionInBed (I could honestly use a friend or a group to interact with, honestly) <3
> 
> Comment and let me know what you think of this chapter! It's not beta'd, so any and all mistakes are mine. Enjoy!

September 14th, 2006

Dean came back from his walk a couple of hours later and he decided the humidity in Guam was much worse than Texas. Walking for a few hours outside didn’t make him sweat all that much, but a couple of hours here and his clothes were nearly soaked all the way through. His skin was wet as if he had  _ just _ gotten out of the shower and his shirt was hanging heavy on him. He could feel his jeans sticking to his legs and he just wanted to lay naked on the floor of his room until he cooled down enough to shower without sweating even more.

He walked into the house and peeled his shirt off, gasping in relief at the cool air of the AC hitting him.

“Hey, Dean. How was the walk?” Sam called out.

“Sammy, trust me when I say this… Wear shorts and go out in the evening,” he said, holding up his shirt for Sam to see.

“Dude, it looks like you put baby oil on,” Sam grimaced. “Go take a shower or something!”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll take one in a bit. Going to my room for a bit,” he said. He looked around. “Where’s Cas?” Dean asked when he realized his friend wasn’t there. It was just Sam and Eileen watching a random comedy Dean didn’t recognize.

“He’s in his room doing some writing.”

“Oh, okay.”

Dean walked to his room after saying hi to Eileen. As soon as his door was shut, he stripped down completely and laid flat on his back on the floor, and he wasn’t sure if he was glad it was carpeted or not. But he could slowly feel his body cooling down and that was good enough for him.

He stared at the smooth, white ceiling above him, staring into space at the one little blemish it had and thought about his walk. There wasn’t anything particularly interesting about it, but there was something about being in a new place and discovering things for the first time that made Dean very happy. Living in Austin, there were always new places to discover, but it was crowded. In Guam, though, it may be a little clustered, but it wasn’t overcrowded. Dean was positive it was because Castiel didn’t live near the tourist spots, but he somehow suspected that it would be the same there as well.

Dean closed his eyes, his body exhausted from the heat and hungry as well. He thought about what he wanted more, a small nap or a late lunch; Sleep won out in the end though as he drifted off, comforted by the silence and cool air around him.

Castiel managed to write a couple thousand words before getting up to take a break and refill his coffee mug. He took his empty mug down to the kitchen and smiled at Sam and Eileen when they noticed him.

“Hey, Cas. How’s writing going?” Sam asked.

“I’ve written quite a bit, but I’m taking a short break to stretch and refill my cup,” he answered as he made a new pot. “What are you two watching?”

“That cute little movie that came out last year. With Zach Braff playing the chicken,” Sam explained. “ _ Chicken Little _ . Joan Cusack is the duck and Steve Zahn is the pig.”

“Oh, we all saw that in theaters last year! It was very funny and also a little emotional,” Castiel said as he went over and leaned against his recliner to watch the movie for a bit. “Did Dean come home?” He asked.

“Yeah, he got in a few minutes ago, I think. Maybe half an hour?” Sam guessed. “He’s in his room. Dude came home absolutely drenched in sweat; It was crazy!”

“The sun down here is  _ very _ cruel. I hope the sunblock I gave him came in handy. I’ll go check on him.” He checked his watch. “And then I’ll get started on a late lunch? Are you both hungry?”

Eileen answered, “A good sandwich sounds amazing right now. How about I make them?”

Castiel smiled. “I’d be honored to eat a sandwich made by you.”

Eileen blushed.

Sam wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. “Don’t go stealing my girlfriend, Cas,” he laughed.

Castiel held his hands up in defeat. “Okay, okay, I’m going now. Enjoy the movie. I’ll be right back,” he chuckled as he walked towards Dean’s room.

He knocked on Dean’s door. “Dean. It’s me,” he said through the door. He knocked again a few seconds later when he received no answer. “Dean?” Castiel slowly opened the door and froze when he saw Dean naked and unmoving on the floor. “ _ Dean _ !”

He rushed to his side and shook him. “Dean, are you okay?!” He asked.

Dean snorted before bolting upright. “The hell-?” He mumbled, eyes still heavy with sleep. “Cas?”

“Thank God, I thought you’d possibly passed out from the heat,” Castiel said, a hand on his pounding heart as he tried to calm himself down.

“I ended up fallin’ asleep while waitin’ for my body to cool down.” Dean then realized he was naked and slowly moved the blankets over his lower body.

Castiel noticed the movement from the corner of his eye and chuckled. “Dean, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before, and I wasn’t looking. Don’t worry,” he assured his friend, patting his shoulder.

Dean blushed. “Yeah, well, seen it or not, it’s still been a few years,” he laughed. After a brief pause, Dean cleared his throat, “Sam told me you were writing when I came back. I didn’t want to disturb you, but since you’re here, I can just ask you. How’s it goin’?”

Castiel laughed. “I can assure you that you wouldn’t have bothered me at all if you’d gone up there. And it’s going well, thank you for asking.”

Dean shrugged, “It’s real important to you, Cas.  _ I _ would feel like I was botherin’ you,” he replied. “But I hear what you’re sayin’ and maybe there’ll be times when I can convince myself to go talk for a little bit.”

“Well, then I look forward to that. Until then, I suppose I’ll have to come to you myself,” Castiel said, beaming with happiness. It felt like old times. “I came to check on you and ask if you wanted a late lunch. Eileen offered to make us all sandwiches.”

“Sweet! Her sandwiches are the best.”

“I have full confidence that I’ll enjoy them.” Castiel stood back up. “Well, you better take that shower. We’ll be waiting for you.”

“Thanks, Cas. I’ll be right out there,” Dean said, grinning up at Castiel. Castiel returned it and left Dean’s room, closing the door behind him.

A few seconds later, Dean was holding his face in his hands, absolutely embarrassed by Castiel seeing him nude. But, Dean was ashamed to admit, part of him  _ liked _ it. He’d been so used to being in certain situations with Castiel back then that his body missed him, it always yearned for Castiel just as his heart did.

In the kitchen, after having greeted Sam and Eileen again, Castiel stood by the sink trying to calm his pounding heart. Seeing Dean so exposed had an undesired effect on him. Castiel thought he was better than that, especially after all these years of being separated, but he still longed to be as physically close to Dean as possible, for the closeness of intercourse, as he did romantically. It was frustrating.

“Cas? You okay?” Castiel jumped. “Sorry,” Sam apologized.

Castiel turned and faced him with what he hoped was a smile. “It’s okay. I’m fine, Sam. Is everything okay?” He asked.

“Eileen wanted a drink,” he explained and he rummaged through the cabinets for a cute mug that Eileen would get a kick out of. “You look kinda red and pale, which I didn’t think was possible.”

Castiel sighed. “I went to check on Dean and I saw him on the floor nude. I thought he’d passed out, but he had fallen asleep while waiting for his body to cool. I’m flushed because I saw him nude and I’m ashamed because I still want the closeness that comes from sex with him,” he explained, his voice lowering at his admission.

Sam chuckled. “Cas, you know that’s completely normal, right?” He said just as he found a blue octopus mug with a pink bow on it. “You already both still have feelings for each other, so why is it so hard to believe that you’re still sexually attracted to him?”

“No, that’s not..  _ I’m _ not…,” Castiel sighed. “It’s that I’m only supposed to be thinking about him in a platonic manner, but it’s more difficult than I’d anticipated.”

Sam listened closely. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, Dean is probably feeling the same way you are right now.”

Castiel raised a brow. “What makes you say that?”

Sam shrugged. “Well, you two are completely different people, but you both tend to have the same thoughts. I noticed that a lot growin’ up, which is why it was frustrating to see y’all dancin’ around each other,” he explained.

“Do you think he and I should have a talk about it?”

Sam took a moment to think about it. “Well, I’m not really sure. If you think y’all should talk about it, then go for it,” he said. “I can’t make those kinds of decisions for you.” He grabbed Eileen’s mug and gave Castiel another smile before taking it back to her.

Castiel nodded, completely agreeing with Sam. “Thank you, Sam,” he said. He refilled his mug with coffee and went back up to his room to continue writing. He was stuck on one scene; he wasn’t sure how to write it and where the story would end up once he took a certain route and he decided he would write out the story in one direction for a few pages and see where it takes him before doing it with the other direction.

One thing Castiel was positive he didn’t want to do was force it out. The last thing he wanted to do with his creativity was stretch it out so thin that the connection snapped and the story was lost forever. The story and his readers, and even himself, deserved the best he had to offer. Castiel sat in his rolling chair, a pillow behind his back for support, and his feet propped up on the tiny ledge beneath his desk. He looked at the outline of his current book neatly organized by scene on his desk and sticky notes all over his desk with characteristics and reminders about his characters and the story and let out a long sigh. Castiel opened up his journal and picked up his pen and got to writing.

A knock on his door came thirty minutes later, “Cas, I got your sandwich here! Can I come in?” Dean asked through the door. Castiel shut his journal and covered the sticky notes with the papers.

“Yes,” he answered. Dean came in, his face split into a huge grin.

“I gave her some direction, so hopefully your taste in sandwiches hasn't changed in the last seven years,” he said, handing the plate to Castiel.

Castiel set it on his desk. “Thank you, Dean. This looks great. You didn’t have to bring it up to me though. I’d happily eat with all of you.”

Dean tilted his head. “Stuck?” Dean asked, nodding towards his work space. Back then, when Castiel was fully invested into one of his stories, Dean couldn’t get him to do much. He just made sure Castiel ate, stayed hydrated, and took the occasional break so his hand wouldn’t fall off. The only times Castiel has willingly taken a break from his writing was if he was stuck. Dean was oddly happy seeing that that habit hadn’t changed.

Castiel sighed softly, nodding his head. “I’m afraid so. I can’t… get my characters where I need them to go.”

“How about just letting them go where they want?” Dean asked.

“Because I’m not sure where they want to go is where they need to,” he answered.

“You won’t know until they do it, so why don’t you just let it happen?”

Castiel stared at Dean for a moment. “Dean, are you suggesting that I write out the  _ entire _ book and let that decide?”

“Yeah,” Dean answered. “You used to do that. I thought you still did it.”

“I do it for a few pages, but not the entire book. That will take up too much time. I’m on a deadline.”

“You are, but you also mentioned that you were ahead of schedule. All I’m saying is to think about it,” Dean said, shrugging. “So, you gonna eat up here or what?” He asked, grinning.

Castiel scoffed. “I can’t believe you can still get me to entertain wild ideas,” he chuckled.

Dean shrugged, “I’m charming,” he said modestly with a wink. Castiel snorted, stifling a laugh and choosing not to comment on it. “Right?” Dean asked. Castiel picked up his plate and walked around Dean with a smirk. “Right, Cas?” Dean pushed. Castiel laughed as he left the room and headed downstairs. “Aw, c’mon!”

“Come down and eat your lunch, Dean!” Castiel called back at him when he saw Dean wasn’t following him. “Hello, Sam, Eileen.” The couple waved to him. “Thank you so much for making my sandwich.”

“Dean basically made it, so I can’t take all the credit,” she said, shrugging as she bit into her own sandwich.

Dean sat next to him and across from Sam, giving Castiel a smile before biting into his own sandwich. Castiel looked down at his plate, then back to the others’ plates and saw that his was the only one toasted. He looked inside and smiled fondly when he saw that Dean had made sure there was both ham and turkey, swiss cheese, and bacon in it. He ate all of his sandwiches like this growing up. He looked closer and saw that Dean remembered his distaste for mayonnaise and replaced that condiment with his favorite sweet chili sauce that was kept in his fridge. Castiel first had that sauce a long time ago in the Winchesters’ home and he’s been hooked ever since. He was extremely delighted when he saw it on the shelf at one of the local stores and didn't hesitate to get quite a few bottles.

“Is the sandwich okay?” Dean asked, his mouth full with food but his face full of worry.

Castiel smiled at him. “It’s just the way I like it. Thank you,” he assured his friend. Dean blushed and Castiel decided not to comment on that. No use in making anyone in the room feel awkward. Castiel picked up his sandwich and got to eating with the rest of them.

“So, Cas,” Sam said before taking a drink of his water. “How did you and Inias meet? I wanted to ask you the last time I was here, but I don’t think I ever got to.”

Castiel swallowed his food. “Well, we both worked in the same movie theater in Texas. I trained him on his first days and we found that we had great chemistry. We worked very well together.”

The rest nodded along, although Dean was feeling a bit uncomfortable knowing that Castiel had dated Inias, but he did his best to shake it off. Castiel must have felt even worse when he was dating Aaron and Lisa. Dean felt his guilt peeking out once again. Sam nudged his foot under the table and gave him a small smile. Dean returned it, thankful for his brother keeping him grounded.

“So, how did he come to move here with you?” Sam asked.

“Inias was my rock throughout my time there. He’s been with me through my absolute lowest and saw me rise from it all. Once my first book took off and I decided I was leaving the states, I didn’t hesitate to ask him to come with me,” he explained, smiling fondly at the memories. “He was shocked, but we handed in our notices together, packed up, and left.”

“Were you two going out then?” Eileen asked.

“I asked him as soon as we landed. I didn’t believe in love too much anymore, but I knew if I had to choose a life partner that it would be him.” Dean couldn’t help but smile at that. It hurt, but he was more thankful for Inias being there for Castiel. “Although, it wasn’t that much later before we decided it was best to remain friends. I discovered that I wanted to be single. It wasn’t anything Inias did or anything, it just wasn’t fair of me to keep him back from being with someone whose feelings were 100% with him. He understood and we separated.”

“It’s good that it wasn’t a bad breakup,” Sam said.

“Yeah,” Dean added. “I think it’s awesome that y’all are still so comfortable around each other.”

Castiel chuckled. “Someone has to watch him.”

They went back to eating in a comfortable silence. Sam and Eileen finished first and asked if they could take Castiel’s truck to explore.

“We could go together,” Castiel said.

Sam shook his head. “It’s kinda like a date for me and Eileen. I don’t think you and Dean wanna be the third and fourth wheels,” he laughed. He leaned in a little closer to Castiel to whisper, “Plus, you and Dean should spend more time together. That’s why he’s here.”

Castiel nodded. “Thank you, Sam,” he said, giving his friend a hug. “Be careful.”

“Will do!” Sam called out just before they left.

Castiel and Dean turned towards each other, shy smiles on their faces.

Dean sighed, a blush on his cheeks. “What do you wanna do? I don’t want to disturb your writing process or anything.”

Castiel scratched his head. “How about you come up with me?” He suggested.

“That won’t bother you?”

Castiel shot him a look. “ _ Dean _ . You used to be with me with everything I wrote growing up.” Dean smiled and grabbed a book he’d been reading before following Castiel to his room.

“Make yourself--,” Dean jumped onto his bed, and positioned the pillows how he liked them, “comfortable.” Castiel chuckled.

“You don’t gotta tell me twice,” Dean replied.

“Apparently I don’t even have to tell you once,” he laughed, taking a seat at his desk. He looked back at Dean when he didn’t get a response and saw him heavily invested into the book. Castiel felt himself smile widely. It was like old times. Dean read his books while Castiel worked on a story. It was like nothing had changed. Like they were fourteen all over again. Castiel turned back to his work, picked up his pencil and started writing, listening to Dean’s earlier advice and attempting something he’d never done.

He’s going to write the entire book twice.

“Hey,” Dean said after nearly an hour of reading his book and listening to Castiel mutter and write.

“Hm?” Castiel hummed, not stopping his writing.

“I know it’s selfish, but…” he paused, “I really wish I could’ve been there when you wrote your first book. To be there with you when you sent it off.”

Castiel paused his writing, took a deep breath, and stared hard at the paper in front of him. “You could’ve been. I  _ wanted _ you to be,” Castiel said quietly. And it was true. His first thought, once the book was published, was whether Dean was going to read it, if he was going to even see it. And the second thought had been why he even cared.

Dean’s eyes turned sad, a sorrowful smile spreading on his face. “Yeah. I could’ve been,” he agreed. “I know I’m lucky you’re even givin’ me another chance, but I’m me and I’m selfish. I’m always gonna want those moments, I think. I’m happy to be able to be here now and create more memories, though.”

Castiel turned to look at Dean. “I know exactly what you mean. I’m always going to think that you should’ve been the one I’d asked to come with me. That it should’ve been us living together. That this should’ve been our home. I’m sure I’m always going to think that.”

Dean looked out the window by Castiel’s bed, hoping Castiel wouldn’t see the tears that had gathered. “Yeah,” he whispered, just barely loud enough to be heard, “me too.”

“But no matter how much we think that, it’s not going to change that. You weren’t there, and I didn’t ask you to come with me.”

“Honestly, Cas, if you’d randomly showed up at my doorstep before moving here and asked me, I would’ve gone with you. I’m by no means saying that it’s your fault or anything like that. I’m just saying that I probably would’ve gone with you no matter what,” Dean admitted, thankful the tears hadn’t fallen.

Castiel hesitated for a moment, turning back to look at his journal. “Even if you were dating Lisa?” He asked.

Dean instantly nodded. “Yes.”

Castiel shook his head, trying to clear out the what-ifs. “I think you needed to have whatever experiences you had these past few years the same way I did. This all needed to happen, I believe that.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“So, while I’m happy to hear that you would’ve come with me, it’s not what happened.”

“Yeah,” Dean said again. It seemed that was the only thing he was capable of saying right now. He bit his lip, thinking for a moment. “I’m glad Inias is here.”

Castiel finally looked at Dean again. “Do you really mean that?” Castiel asked. When Dean gave him a look of confusion, Castiel elaborated, “You explained to me that you’re jealous of how close he and I are. I don’t know if you truly mean that you're glad he's here or if you’re just saying that to gage how I speak of him.”

Dean scoffed softly. “I like him, Cas.  _ Of course _ I mean it. Sure, I get a bit uncomfortable when I see you two so close and touchy, but that’s my problem. I’m not going to get in the way of your relationships, never again. That’s an old me move, not a new me move. Hell, even back then I felt slimy about it.”

“Then why did you do it?” Castiel snapped.

Dean looked away briefly before looking straight into Castiel’s eyes. “I got jealous. I was never the jealous type, but, damn, when it came to you…” He trailed off.

Castiel sighed. “I know that feeling. Envy is a terrible feeling.”

“If I could go back, Cas, and I absolutely  _ had _ to change something, I would make damn sure I never left your side.”

Castiel couldn’t help but glare down at his paper. “ _ Stop _ . All this information is useless now, Dean! It does nothing for me now, except make me think about what we could’ve been. I  _ hate _ it!” He all but growled. Castiel, in all his years of living away from his hometown, hadn’t let anger get the best of him, but there was too much history with Dean. Being angry and upset was all he knew how to be when it came to his old friend.

Dean sat up on his knees, against his heels and stared at Castiel for a moment before a tiny smile appeared on his face.

“What?” Castiel snapped, even more upset that Dean had the nerve to  _ smile _ to his face after being yelled at.

Dean shook his head. “Nothing. It just takes me back, is all. Back then, being yelled at was all I was really ever good for.”

Castiel leaned back in his seat, taken completely off guard by that. “What are you talking about?”

Dean shook his head again, reaching down to mess with the book in front of him. He wasn’t particularly interested in Castiel’s reading collection, but he’d read every damn book on that shelf if it meant being able to spend time with the person in front of him now.

“You can’t just say something like that and then decide you don’t want to elaborate,” Castiel sighed. This was the Dean he’d grown up with. Such an open book but so closed off. Castiel himself had difficulty most days reading his friend, and so did Sam. People who weren’t close to him didn’t stand a chance.

“It’s only because it’s not gonna change anything, Cas. You’re right. I should stop talking about what-ifs and just focus on clearing the air. I want us to be friends again, but we can’t do that if I keep pullin’ you back to the past,”

“I’m sorry, Dean. I shouldn’t have said that. Part of clearing the air is being honest about it all, and going back to the past is part of that process. I just get so… defensive, because I spent years burying all that pain. It’s a defense mechanism.”

“You don’t gotta apologize, Cas. That wasn’t why I was saying that. I just mean that you’re right,” Dean explained, staring down at the bed.

“Dean. Please look at me.” Dean slowly met his eyes before focusing on his forehead so he didn’t have to look into Castiel’s bright eyes. “I’d like to hear what you meant,” Castiel’s voice was soft, like Dean was a flight risk and going to bolt the second he said something wrong. Dean couldn’t blame Castiel for that, because that’s exactly how he used to be and that’s how Castiel remembered him.

“Lisa yelled at me all the time. In high school, and especially after, when we lived together. She always hung the cheating over my head, not that I could blame her, but it really started getting to me after a while,” he explained.

Castiel stayed silent, waiting for Dean to continue.

“I couldn’t go out with my buddies after work unless she went with me, couldn’t do the groceries or any errands alone, and she had to make herself familiar with everyone I worked with, men and women. She was constantly breathing down my neck and it was absolutely suffocating. Don’t get me wrong, I  _ completely _ deserved it. I made her into that. I deserved worse,” Dean admitted. “But…”

“But what?” Castiel gently pushed when Dean didn’t continue.

“She yelled at me  _ a lot _ when I did something wrong. Like she’d held in everything she’d been feeling since the last time she yelled and just exploded at me about everything. One time I surprised her with a fancy dinner for our four year, went shopping and made her favorite meal, got her a gift at the mall, the whole bit and all she could focus on-...” Dean cut himself off,

Castiel sighed silently. “Was that you went alone to those places,” he said. Dean nodded.

“Then she accused me of cheating, which I deserved, and then she brought you up again. About how I’d do it again since I’d done it before, if I’d met up with you. And all I could do was stand there and take it. I never said anything after she yelled at me, just stayed quiet until I knew she was done. I’d look into her eyes and tell her that I didn’t cheat, that I was sorry I made her think that.”

“Dean, that wasn’t your fault,” Castiel quickly said.

Dean huffed out a laugh. “Yeah, Cas, it really was. The same way you said you wouldn’t trust me in a relationship was the same way she didn’t. That’s why I understood what you were sayin’,” he explained, messing with his hands. “So, yeah. Being yelled at was kinda all I was good for.” Dean laughed, the sound coming out bitter and forced.

“I wasn’t aware Lisa had emotionally abused you, Dean. I’m very sorry,” Castiel said, his voice quiet like he was seeing his friend in a new light. Dean Winchester had always been the person to not take any kind of disrespect from anyone, adult or not, but when Castiel really looked back, he remembered Dean taking it all when he yelled at him. The same way he took it from Lisa, and maybe even Aaron. There was no one who hated Dean more than Dean himself.

Dean’s head shot up at Castiel’s words. “No, no, Cas, she wasn’t  _ abusive _ !” He immediately dismissed. “I deserved it, literally all of it.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“I did.”

“Dean, you cheated on her nearly the entire first year you were together.” Dean flinched but nodded in agreement because that was true. “And the moment she realized she couldn’t trust you, she should’ve left you, not tortured you with all your faults every time you did something she didn’t agree with. As soon as she started doing that, she became abusive,” Castiel explained, hoping he was making a lick of sense.

“I made her like that, Cas. That was my fault and I deserved it,” Dean said, shaking his head.

“What you deserved was having some choice words thrown at you and never being spoken to again,” Castiel said. “Or, at least, not spoken to for about six years.”

Dean shook his head frantically.

“You didn’t deserve to be in a relationship that didn’t let you try to move on to better yourself. You deserved to get better. And you have, Dean. Look at you. You’re opening up more, you’re learning to forgive yourself, and you’re taking responsibility for your mistakes.”

Dean looked into his eyes,  _ finally _ , and Castiel was shocked to see there were tears and his eyes were glazed over as if he was inside his own head. That was never good for Dean.

“Where’s your head at, Dean?” He asked softly, leaning forward in his seat.

“She told me that I’d always be a cheater, that I should be lucky she was even sticking around because no one else would, not even you,” he revealed. “And she knew  _ you _ , specifically, would hurt me and that’s why she said it.”

Castiel managed to hold back his gasp. “She… actually said something like that to you?” He asked, his voice barely above a whisper. Castiel stood up and slowly made his way to the bed, sitting down in front of Dean. “Dean.”

Dean looked at him but his eyes weren’t quite focused.

“ _ Dean _ ,” Castiel called out again, putting his hand on Dean’s white-knuckled ones. He was gripping the book  _ so _ tight, like he needed something to keep him grounded.

Dean’s eyes finally focused on him, blinking a few times. Then he glanced down at Castiel’s hands on his before moving back up to his face.

“I’m truly sorry, Dean,” Castiel said. “I had no idea you had been subjected to that by someone you loved.”

Dean turned his hand over and clung to Castiel’s. “I’m okay, Cas.” Castiel held onto Dean’s hand just as tight.

“It’s okay if you’re not. Things like that, they take some time to heal from and no one would hold it against you. Does Sam know?” 

Dean shook his head. “No, you’re the first person I’ve told. Lisa and I talked about it when I went to go see her a few months ago, and she apologized, but I don’t think those words will be going away anytime soon,” he said, trying to laugh it off.

Castiel squeezed his hand tighter. “If I’d known, Dean, I would have, without a doubt, showed up on your doorstep and asked you to come with me. I-I know I said what I said about what-ifs, but I need you to know that. Understand?” Castiel asked.

Dean looked into his eyes for a few moments before nodding. “I understand, Cas. That… means a lot to me.” Dean scooted closer to Castiel slowly, afraid Castiel would be the one to run this time, but he stayed where he was at, waiting to see what Dean was going to do.

Dean pulled Castiel into his arms, hugging him tightly and burying his face in the crook of Castiel’s neck. Castiel didn’t hesitate to hug him back, breathing in the scent he’d missed so much. The scent of home, of the good. And that’s really all Castiel could think about right now with Dean in his arms. It wasn’t all the bad, not at all. 

It was the good and, he found, that outweighed everything else, even if it was only for the moment.

Dean wasn’t sure how they got here, but he wasn’t going to complain. From their hug, they’d eventually laid down, Castiel’s head on Dean’s chest and an arm over his waist. Dean’s arm slowly rubbing soothing circles on Castiel’s back. It was all so familiar.

“Remember when you would read books to me like this?” Castiel asked, his voice quiet as if he was afraid to break the easy silence.

Dean smiled. “Oh, yeah. But my favorite times were when we’d switch and you read the books to me,” he said. “My favorite was when you read that collection of Edgar Allen Poe works that Bobby had.”

“You’d have me read Annabel Lee twice.”

“It’s my favorite.”

“Yeah.”

A fleeting silence.

“Hey, Cas?”

“Hm?”

“I missed you.”

“Yeah?”

Dean smiled when the arm around his waist tightened his grip, “Yeah.”

“I missed you, too.”


	37. Dean and Castiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Castiel have another heart to heart and watch the Wizard of Oz... again!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, all!
> 
> It feels like forever since I updated LTDW, but I've been writing more and more of it every day! I wanted to give everyone, y'all, me, and Dean and Cas, one more chapter filled with just the two. The next chapter will have all of Castiel's friends (aside from Kevin), Sam and Eileen, and Dean, so it's going to be a lot to take it. Plus, this chapter just makes me feel so very, very warm.
> 
> I hope y'all enjoy!  
Comment, leave kudos, and maybe share it on some social media platforms if you've enjoyed LTDW and LTSW enough! but, most of all, please enjoy! <3
> 
> Also, I still don't have an Alpha/Beta reader so any and all mistakes are 100% mine.

September 18, 2006

The next four days passed in a quick flow. They were filled with family lunches and dinners, movies, and Dean spent a great deal of time in Castiel’s room with him while Castiel wrote. Dean enjoyed those times the most, when it was only them with no disruptions from the outside world. But today, they knew, it was going to be a challenge.

Because today is Castiel’s birthday.

Today, Dean will be meeting Jesse and Cesar, who recently came back from their trip to Japan. He’ll be seeing Inias, Meg, and Josie once again. He was looking forward to talking with Josie again. Dean enjoyed having a friend who understood and didn’t push him to open up. Josie trusted him enough to be honest about her feelings for his little brother and Dean respected that. He knows that wasn’t easy. He felt, even once Josie knew everything about his and Castiel’s past, she wouldn’t treat him any differently.

But he was still nervous when he woke up that morning. He was up before the sun rose and knew there was no way he could go back to sleep. Dean pulled the blankets off of himself and went into the closet. He pulled out his travel bag and reached into it, pulling out a small box with a bow on top. He wanted to give this to Castiel privately, away from the eyes of the others, somewhere private.

The sunlight was barely peeking into the room and his phone told him it was nearly 6:30 in the morning. He got dressed and took the box with him as he made his way up to Castiel’s bedroom. Dean’s stomach was twisting with nerves and his heart was pounding erratically in his chest; it felt it could burst out of his chest at any moment, but he carried on.

Dean wasn’t sure what possessed him to make this gift at such a last minute, but he’d made it for Castiel and that’s all that really mattered to him. Back then, Dean probably would’ve shut it away in that old box full of letters and tried to forget about it, but the new him wouldn’t allow himself to miss out on creating any more memories with the person he still called his best friend. Castiel deserved better than that. He always had.

Dean knocked on Castiel’s bedroom door, the sound puncturing the silence of the sleeping home. “Cas?” He said, pressing his ear against the door. “It’s me. I-I, uh, I got somethin’ for ya.” He knocked again, a little louder this time, but still quiet so as to not wake his brother and Eileen.

A few moments later, when Dean was getting ready to turn back and plan a different time to give him the gift, the door opened and a sleepy Castiel with his signature bedhead poked his head through the crack of the door. Dean put the box behind his back and was thankful Castiel was too sleepy to notice.

“Dean? It’s very early. Are you all right?” Castiel asked, his voice heavy with sleep. Dean couldn’t help but smile as he remembered all the sleepovers they used to have.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Um, it’s your birthday today and I wanted to say happy birthday,” he said.

Castiel gave him a soft, sleepy smile. “You told me last night after midnight, Dean,” he said, letting out a raspy chuckle. Dean blushed, remembering that he had, in fact, also told Castiel before they went to bed last night. They had decided to watch The Wizard of Oz one more time last night.

“Uh, right,” Dean mumbled. “W-well, I got your gift here!” He said, holding the small box out to him. It was a simple wrapping. Green paper with a blue bow, one that he’d always used to wrap Castiel’s gifts growing up. Unfortunately, with the Wizard of Oz gifts, he found that he didn’t have that combination anymore. After so many years of not seeing Castiel or giving him birthday gifts, he hadn’t found a need to buy the paper and bow. And, honestly, it hurt him to see it. But the day before they left, Dean went out and decided that he’d wrap this one in their old combination.

Castiel’s eyes went down to the box and they widened slightly before going soft. “You… remembered,” he said, taking the box in his hands. “But you already got me wonderful gifts, Dean. You didn’t need to do this.”

Dean gave a shy shrug. “I _ wanted _ to, Cas. This is the gift I wasn’t too sure about, though. So, if you don’t like it, that’s okay! You don’t have to keep it just because it was a gift or somethin’.”

Castiel laughed breathily, his head shaking. “You know I couldn’t dislike a gift from you.” He was untying the blue bow when he suddenly looked up at Dean. “I’m sorry. Do you want to come in?” He asked, stepping aside to let Dean into the dark room. “It’s colder than I thought it would be this morning.”

Dean nodded and stepped in, flipping on the lights before taking a seat on the bed. Castiel took a seat beside him as Dean leaned back on his hands and tried his best to not show how _ incredibly _ nervous he was. 

“When the other gifts weren’t wrapped like this, I’d thought you’d forgotten,” Castiel said, giving Dean _ that _ smile again. The one that always knocked him down flat on his ass.

“Honestly, this gift was made pretty soon before the day of our flight,” Dean explained. “And then I was looking at wrapping for this one, I knew it had to be that.”

“I’m happy you remembered.” Castiel untied the bow and put it on the bed between them before ripping the green wrapping. The box wasn’t too tall or wide, it was the perfect size for, “A-A mixtape?” Castiel asked.

Dean could only nod his head and hum affirmatively, too nervous to speak actual words.

“But,” Castiel paused, looking up at Dean. “I thought these were only made for family and the people you love.”

Dean’s face went bright red and Castiel had mercy on him by not mentioning it. “We’ve, um,” he cleared his throat, sitting up a little straighter but not quite upright. “We’ve already established how we feel about each other. This isn’t… It isn’t me makin’ a move or anything like that. It ‘s just me makin’ a promise.”

“A promise to what?” Castiel whispered, leaning in a little bit closer.

“A promise to never leave you again,” Dean whispered back. Castiel slowly reached up and put his hand on Dean’s cheek, the other man instantly leaning into it.

Castiel looked deep into his eyes for a moment before shutting his eyes tightly and hanging his head in defeat. “I _ hate _ you, Dean Winchester,” he practically growled.

Dean blinked. That wasn’t where he thought that was going. Granted, he didn’t exactly know where they _ had _ been going, but it definitely wasn’t there.

“Reconnecting with you this past week has been… freeing,” Castiel said, looking back up at him again with sad eyes. “It’s been wonderful seeing the man you’ve turned into and the man you will keep growing into.”

“But?” Dean asked, knowing that was in there.

“But we’ve already drawn the line at what we want to be. You doing things like this, it makes it very difficult. I don’t want you to hide how you feel, just as I don’t want to do that myself, but I needed to be honest with you and tell you that I hate you, because I _ don’t _.”

Dean tilted his head a bit, a brow raised. “It’s weird that I understand what you’re saying,” he said, huffing out a laugh. “I’m sorry, though. For making it difficult.”

Castiel shook his head. “Don’t be. Truthfully, I like it. When you do things like this, it does make it difficult, but it also makes me feel very special.”

“Well, now that I’ve heard that,” Dean cleared his throat, “I don’t think I’m gonna be able to stop. Is… Is that okay?”

Castiel smiled again and pressed his forehead to Dean’s, and Dean knew his answer then. The air around them was charged and Dean wanted nothing more than to press his lips to Castiel’s, but he wouldn’t. He would never, unless Castiel made the first move. He didn’t want to take any more decisions away from his best friend.

Dean did the next best thing: he kissed Castiel’s forehead and gave him a soft smile, his eyes twinkling with warmth and a hint of unshed tears. He’d wait forever for Castiel, even if nothing ever happened between the two.

Eventually, the two pulled away and Castiel went back to looking down at the mixtape. “Led Zeppelin again?” He asked, a teasing smile on his face.

“Most of it,” Dean admitted. “I think you’ll like it though.”

“I think I will, too.”

“So, um, what time is everybody coming over?” Dean asked.

“They’re getting here at around ten. We normally spend most of the day outside cooking and everyone spends the night,” Castiel explained.

Dean thought for a moment. “Is there gonna be enough room for everyone?”

“Yes, I think so. Inias and Meg will probably sleep in here with me. Cesar and Jesse normally make a nest out of the living room, so Josie will probably sleep in there with them.”

Dean shook his head. “Josie should get a bed, so she can sleep in my room,” Dean said, nodding his head at his own suggestion. Castiel stiffened beside him and gave him a hard look.

“You want Josie to sleep in your bed with you?” He asked, voice clipped.

Dean’s eyes widened. “What? Dude, _ no _. I meant that she can take my bed and I’ll sleep in the living room with Jesse and Cesar,” he explained. Castiel instantly exhaled and his shoulders sagged.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

Dean shook his head. “You don’t gotta apologize, Cas. You have every right to think that of me.” And he truly believed that. Although it hurt him a bit to know that Castiel was still thinking of him that way despite how well they knew each other again, he completely understood. After all, it was his fault.

“No, I don’t. You’ve shown me that you’ve changed, and I truly believe it. But, Dean, I’ve got _ a lot _ of baggage to sort through. We know that.”

Dean put his arm around Castiel’s shoulder. “It’s _ our _ baggage. I’m not letting you go through that alone, Cas. It’s me and you. For as long as you want me,” he said. Castiel turned and looked at him with such a fond smile that Dean felt he could die without any regrets right there.

“I’m very happy you’re here with me, Dean.”

Dean returned the smile. “I am, too. And, um, I know you mentioned wantin’ to be more affectionate with me, just like we used to be growing up, so I’ll do my best to honor that.”

Castiel brightened up. “That means a lot to me.”

They stared at each other for a moment before Dean spoke, “Wizard of Oz?”

Castiel chuckled. “It’s been years since I started my birthday with that.”

“Well, then looks like we gotta do it for old times’ sake,” Dean answered as he stood up and pulled Castiel up with him.

“Let me just put this up.” Castiel went over to his bedside drawer and kneeled down to open the bottom drawer. Dean peeked over his shoulder and smiled when he saw Castiel pull the lid off a shoebox that held notes. Dean recognized them and couldn’t hide his happiness.

“Those the letters?” He asked, a smile evident in his voice.

Castiel nodded. “Yeah. They were originally in the room you’re staying in, but after Sam left, I wanted them… closer, I suppose.”

Dean ducked his head a little. “I actually brought your letters with me,” he replied. Once Castiel put the tape away, he stood up next to Dean.

“You did?” He asked, visibly surprised. “I wasn’t expecting that.”

Dean shrugged. “Well, I’m not too good with flying and I thought that if the plane happened to go down, I’d want them there with me.”

Castiel put his hand on Dean’s arm, squeezing gently. They stared at one another for a brief moment before Castiel pulled Dean into a crushing hug, like Dean would disappear if he loosened his grip. He put his mouth near Dean’s ear and whispered, “You’re _ here _, Dean.”

Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel’s waist, tugging him close. “Yeah, I’m here.” A pause. “Looking back on it now, I think I’d prefer if those letters lived on.” Castiel chuckled, the sound vibrating against Dean’s chest and causing him to flush. Hearing that so close to him made him feel warm and loved all over again.

“Maybe,” Castiel started, pulling away from Dean a bit to look into his eyes, his arms still wrapped around Dean’s neck, “maybe we can look through them together at some point.”

Dean smiled. “That’d be nice, Cas. Maybe see if we can match them up.”

“Yeah,” Castiel muttered. Dean looked deep into Castiel’s bright blue eyes and felt like he was home. It’d been so long since he’d seen them this close again. He never wanted to move away, never again. Castiel shut his eyes tightly and pressed his forehead against Dean’s once again. “_ Dean _,” Castiel begged.

Dean shut his own eyes, not wanting to be tempted. “I know,” he whispered. “I know.” They stood embracing for a moment longer before Dean pulled back. “Let’s… go watch that movie.”

Castiel smiled softly and took Dean’s hand as they walked down to the living room. Dean took his usual seat while Castiel put the DVD in.

“I’ll make us some breakfast after the movie, okay? Or, if you get hungry during the movie, let me know,” Dean said.

“You don’t have to cook me breakfast. I’m more than happy to cook for us,” Castiel replied as he sat down in his recliner.

“Yeah, but today’s your birthday. You don’t have to lift a finger.”

Castiel smirked. “Why didn’t you put the movie in for me, then?”

Dean playfully glared at him. “Well, if you’ve forgotten, you practically bit my hand off when I reached for it last night. I love being able to use my hand, thank you very much.”

Castiel blushed and cleared his throat. “I… I had forgotten about that. Fine. I’ll let you know when I’m hungry.”

Dean leaned back in his seat, his legs stretched out, and focused on the movie. Back then, he’d only tolerated it because Castiel was so adamant about watching it so much, and Dean couldn’t really ever tell him no. After their fight, he wasn’t sure he ever wanted to see it again, but, in the end, his desire to have Castiel in his life in any way won out. As a result, he watched the movie when Sam was outside of the house and then, eventually, with Lisa for the last seven years.

When it was time for Dorothy to sing _ Somewhere Over the Rainbow _, Castiel cleared his throat, instantly getting Dean’s attention. When he didn’t say anything, Dean chuckled softly.

“Want me to make you breakfast?” He asked, a teasing tone in his voice.

Castiel shook his head.

“A glass of water?”

Castiel shook his head.

“Then, what is it, Cas?”

“Would it… be all right, if I, perhaps, sat between your legs?” Castiel finally blurted out, his cheeks red with embarrassment.

Dean’s heart pounded in his chest and he swallowed the lump in his throat before speaking, “yeah, Cas. Yes, definitely. You, uh, you don’t even have to ask.” His voice cracked a bit but he was pleased with the way it came out.

Dean watched as Castiel stood up from his recliner and walked over to him. Dean pulled his legs in, and held back a small gasp as Castiel sat down with his back to the sofa, perfectly nestled between his legs. Almost immediately, Dean’s fingers were combing through Castiel’s hair, mostly out of habit. Dean smiled widely when he heard Castiel sigh contently and lay his head on Dean’s knee. He closed his eyes for a moment and just _ felt; _ the Wizard of Oz made up for the sound, Castiel’s hair and the pressure of his head on Dean’s knee made up for the feel, the scent of Castiel all around him made up for the smell. Dean opened his eyes and looked down at the back of his love’s head and it felt as though all the weight was lifted off his shoulders.

“Dean?” Castiel said, not taking his eyes from the screen.

“Yeah?”

“I-I’ve _ really _ missed doing this,” he admitted.

Dean nodded, adding a bit of pressure to the fingers moving through Castiel’s hair. “Me, too. I’ve been… wanting this to happen since I got here.”

“You have? Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I didn’t want to unknowingly pressure you or make you feel awkward. The ball is always going to be in your court, Cas. I don’t want to make any mistakes this time,” Dean explained, his voice soft.

Castiel wrapped an arm around Dean’s leg and squeezed. “Thank you. It makes me happy that you’re giving me the choice. It’s helping me be open with you, which, as you know, was something I struggled with back then.” Dean gently massaged Castiel’s scalp. “That feels nice.”

“You don’t have to thank me for that, Cas. I should’ve done that a long time ago.”

“Well, yes, but I’m glad that you’re doing now. It shows how much you’ve changed.”

Dean smiled. “Today’s gonna be a little tough, isn’t it?” He asked. “We don’t really do great in crowds. Just promise me that you’ll let me know when I’m doing something that don’t agree with you, okay? Don’t just shut me out.”

“I promise, Dean. As long as you promise to let me know how you’re feeling as well.”

Dean squeezed his shoulder. “I promise.” Looking up at the screen briefly, he saw it was at his favorite song. When Castiel looked back at him, he winked and opened his mouth, “_ It really was no miracle, what happened was just this: The wind began to switch, the house to pitch, and suddenly the hinges started to unhitch. Just then the witch, to satisfy an itch, went flying on her broomstick thumbing for a hitch! _”

Castiel managed to stifle a laugh as he took over the next part: “_ And, oh, what happened then was rich!” _

Together, they sang, “_The house began to pitch, the kitchen took a slitch. It landed on the Wicked Witch in the middle of a ditch! Wh-ich was not a healthy si-tuation for the Wicked Witch!_ _W__ho began to twitch, and was reduced to just a stitch of what was once the Wi-cked Witch!_”

Dean picked up by himself next, clutching Castiel’s shoulders dramatically. “_ We thank you very sweetly, for doing it so neatly _.”

Castiel laughed as he spoke the next line, “_ You’ve killed her so completely, that we thank you ve-ry sweetly _!”

They laughed together, Dean’s arms around Castiel’s shoulders and Castiel leaning his head back against Dean’s shoulder. It was definitely like old times.

They didn’t see when Sam went back to his room with a huge smile on his face, the handheld camera in his hand.


	38. Castiel's Birthday Pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean finally meets Jesse and Caesar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, all!
> 
> It's been a while, right? This chapter has been in the works for a while. I was taking some time off of writing to spend time with my SO and for Gish! I'm working on part two right now, but I don't know when it'll be out.
> 
> Please comment and let me know what you think of the story so far! I'd like to think that we're almost at half way!
> 
> Also, if you're interested, you can follow me on twitter at [@WritingByCL](https://twitter.com/WritingByCL) for updates on my WIPS, how much I love Cas, and random thoughts I have on certain things!

September 18, 2006

It was nearing the time for everyone to start arriving and both Dean and Castiel were a bundle of nerves. They were lingering very closely to one another and ignoring the smirks Eileen and Sam were giving them when Castiel’s doorbell rang. Dean felt a chill go up his spine and a pit in his stomach, he hadn’t anticipated being  _ this _ nervous.

Castiel put his hand on Dean’s arm. “It’s okay. We’re going to get through this together. Remember the promises we made this morning.” Dean nodded and gave Castiel a shaky smile and watched as he went to answer the door.

Sam came up beside him and patted his back. “It’s okay. Everyone’s really cool.”

Dean could only nod in response.

“Jesse and Caesar are here first!” Castiel announced as they entered the kitchen, one of the two carrying two gift bags; presents for Cas.

“Oh, my god! Sam!” Jesse exclaimed as he scooped the tall man up and hugged him tightly. After he set him back down for Caesar to have his turn, he turned to Eileen. “And you must be the lovely Eileen Sam talked non stop about!”

Castiel returned to Dean’s side, who, out of habit, put his arm over Castiel’s shoulders and watched Sam and Eileen interact with two of Castiel’s closest friends. Castiel couldn’t help but lean more into Dean’s side. This was something Dean did often while they were growing up and both had missed it.

“Are you feeling okay?” Castiel asked.

Dean smiled down at him and nodded. “Yeah, I just don’t want to interrupt the reunion. I’ll introduce myself in a bit. Do they… already know who I am?” He asked.

Castiel seemed to hesitate for a moment before finally nodding. “Yes, they do. They’ve witnessed me at some of my more emotional moments,” he admitted. 

Dean pressed a soft kiss to Castiel’s hair and mumbled, “I’m sorry, Cas.”

Castiel smiled up at him, his eyes bright with the love and trust that had been there when they were younger making Dean’s heart melt. “It’s been a while since that last happened.” The two said nothing more and went back to watching their family.

“I’d better go say hi.” Dean pulled himself away from Cas and the counter and walked over to the small group who were currently catching up with each other. “Hey. I’m Dean, Sam’s brother, and Cas’s old friend. It’s nice to meet y’all.” He made sure to sign along for Eileen.

They all smiled at Dean. And Jesse stuck his hand out first for a handshake. “Hey, Dean! It’s great to meet you, too. I’m Jesse and this is my better half, Caesar,” he introduced. Dean shook Caesar’s hand, too.

“How was Japan?"

Caesar piped in immediately. “Oh, it was gorgeous! We stayed near the mountains and visited the shrines. We invited Castiel with us, but he declined and I can see why now! If we knew Sam was comin’ and bringing his pretty lady, then we would’ve stayed back.” Dean nodded along with a grin on his face. Hearing them talk about Sam with a lot of love was fulfilling. “But, of course, you know Cas. He wasn’t gonna let us do that.”

“He’s got a big heart and I’m sure he not only wanted y’all to take a vacation, but he probably didn’t wanna be a third wheel,” Dean joked. Jesse and Caesar laughed and patted him on the shoulder.

“We’ve gotta get the grill going, but, Dean, you should come out and talk with us! We’d like to get to know you better,” Caesar said. Dean smiled, almost shyly. “Besides, we want to know what you’re doing here.” Dean froze and his heart sped up at the curt tone.

“Caesar, c’mon. If he’s here, then you know Cas wants him here. And he’s Sam’s brother,” Jesse said, patting his partner’s shoulder.

Dean shook his head. “No, that’s all right. If you got questions, I probably got answers. Depending on how personal they are, you might get them and you might not. Is that okay?” Dean asked once he found his voice again. “If it’s too personal or about Cas, despite being his close friends, then it’s not my place to share.”

Caesar nodded. “Yeah, I can respect that. Castiel, we’re gonna borrow Dean!” He called out to their friend.

Dean turned and smiled at him. “Wanna come?” He asked. He promised Castiel he wouldn’t hide away or make him feel uneasy. Either way, Dean wanted Castiel by his side so long as he wanted to be there.

Castiel thought for a moment before shaking his head. “No, that’s okay. I’ll be in here looking at some recipes,” he said.

Dean chuckled. “Well, remember to leave all the work to us today,” Dean replied. “Come join us in a bit.”

“I will.”

Sam went outside with them, leaving Eileen with Castiel, no doubt wanting to keep an eye on the conversation. He was still protective of Dean. He didn’t agree with the horrible things he’d done to Castiel back then, but Dean was an enigma. He had reasons for the way he acted, although none of them justified his behavior. Sam was aware that his older brother was hurting, too. He didn’t understand it much growing up with Dean raising him, but his eyes were opened as he got older and went off to college.

Back then, Dean didn’t know what to do with all the anger he had. There was no access to a therapist or any medications he could’ve needed for his depression, and he was taking care of Sam and Bobby most of the time. Sam used to be so angry with Dean until he saw how  _ old _ his brother looked when he was barely four years older. It was an emotional realization.

“We’re not here to interrogate you, Dean,” Jesse said, “no matter how Ceasar worded that. We’re just curious about something that isn’t our business.”

Dean shook his head. “No, that’s all right. I understand. Cas sent me a letter a year or so ago and we’re working on our friendship,” Dean explained. “We haven’t exactly gotten through all of our past together, but that’s why I’m here. We decided that sending letters wasn’t an effective way to do that and he flew us all out here.”

Caesar worked on getting the grill set up while Dean spoke. “So, you made him pay?”

Sam piped up. “Not at all! Dean tried insisting that he pay, but Castiel was dead set on it!”

Dean patted his back. “It’s okay, Sammy, it’s okay.”

“But I don’t like what they’re insinuating,” he countered.

“They love Cas and they care. It’s all right,” Dean assured him. He turned back to Jesse and Caesar. “We agreed that he’d pay for us and we’d pay for everything else. It was the only way I was comfortable with letting him do that.”

“Are you looking for love here, Dean?” Jesse asked this time.

“I have… very strong feelings for Cas and he does for me too, but we already agreed to stay friends,” he explained.

Caesar looked up at him, away from the grill. “So, that’s it then?”

“That’s it. Our friendship means more to us than anything.”

“What if he started dating?”

Dean froze, hesitating for a brief moment. “What?”

Caesar sighed. “What if he started dating again?” He repeated. “Could you still be his friend and support him in his relationship?”

Dean didn’t even need to think about that. He wasn’t going to make the same mistake as he did in the past by trying to ruin Castiel’s relationships just because he was jealous. If Castiel could find happiness with someone else out there, then Dean would completely support him.

Dean looked right into Caesar’s eyes. “Definitely.”

The couple stared at Dean for a moment before looking at each other and nodding. Dean looked into their eyes and saw acceptance. Caesar passed Dean a beer and left it at that.

“Dean,” Sam called.

“What’s up?”

“Are you sure you’d be okay with Cas dating again?” He asked, voice low so as to not be overheard. Sam always was the curious one out of the two.

“I like to think I would be. If this person treated him right and made him happy, then I’d have no right to go between them. But, more importantly, Cas isn’t lookin’ to date anyone, so hypotheticals don’t matter right now.”

Sam patted Dean’s shoulder. “I saw the way you two were around each other this morning. It was like old times. Look, maybe, there’s a possibility that—”

“Sam,” Dean interrupted. “We’re just going back to how we used to be. You know, before the dynamic changed and all that.” Dean took a drink of his beer. He wasn’t the biggest fan of this brand but he’d hate to disrespect Jesse and Caesar; after all, they’d given him their approval. Even though he didn’t necessarily need it, with how close the two were to Castiel, it was important to him that Castiel felt no pressure in having Dean around. He’d never make Castiel choose, so he’d walk away. Even if it hurt.

After a few moments of Dean sipping on his beer with Sam beside him as they watched Jesse and Caesar get the fire started, Castiel and Eileen came out.

“The others should be getting here soon. I called everyone to let them know the door will be unlocked and we’d be in the backyard,” Castiel said.

“Are they close?” Sam asked.

Castiel nodded. “Yes. I think Josie will be here first. The others are riding with Inias. Josie wasn’t expecting to be let out of work so early and it threw a wrench in their plans. But it worked out.”

“That’s good,” Dean offered. “I’m excited to see everyone again.”

Castiel leaned in closer to Dean and spoke quietly. “Caesar didn’t… say anything  _ rude _ , did he?” He inquired.

Dean shook his head. “No. He was just bein’ a friend,” he said honestly. He put his arm around Castiel’s shoulders again and pulled him in closer despite the sticky heat of Guam protesting. Castiel didn’t seem to mind either as he leaned his head against Dean’s shoulder.

“Hey, Cas, you wanna beer?” Jesse asked.

“No, thank you. I have some sodas in the fridge.” Castiel leaned back into Dean again. “Want a soda? That isn’t your favorite beer.”

Dean raised a brow. “How’d you know that?”

“Dean, you were drinking long before you were of legal age. Bobby gave us our first one together, remember?”

Dean searched his mind for a moment. “Oh! Wow, I can’t believe I didn’t remember that.” Castiel blushed. “You have a great memory, Cas.” Dean rubbed Castiel’s side. “But, yes, I’d like a soda.”

Castiel moved to go get it but Dean stopped him. “What?”

“I’ll get it, no worries. Did you want one?” Dean asked. He wanted to feel the AC hit him for just a moment. When Castiel nodded, Dean gave him a bright smile and went back into the house. He groaned happily when the cool air hit him.

When he was getting the drinks, he heard the front door open.

“Dean!” He smiled at the sound of Josie’s voice and turned to her after setting the sodas down.

“Hey, Jos. Wanna soda?” He asked. She jumped into his arms and hugged him tightly. He easily caught her and hugged her back with a huge smile on his face, trying not damage the giftbag she had in her hands. He loved having a platonic friendship with a woman. He hadn’t had one since Charlie, and even then, he hadn’t seen her in a while due to location and Lisa breathing down his neck.

“Yes!” She answered. He set her back down and grabbed another soda from the fridge.

“I’m surprised you’re here alone and not carpooling with the others,” he said, “Everything okay? Cas said you were at work, but you didn’t mention that when we talked on the phone last night.”

Josie nodded and took the soda from him. “Yeah, everything's fine. I just needed to run an errand so I was already out when it came time to show up. Meg is  _ not _ gonna get up earlier than she needs to and Inias was already staying the night at her place.”

“When’s Kevin supposed to get back? Am I gonna be able to meet him before we leave?”

“When do you leave?”

“The 13th,” he answered.

“He’s getting back on the 20th, I’m sorry. Maybe next time you visit!” She exclaimed.

“Yeah. For sure. I’ll leave him a letter saying that I was sorry we missed him,” he decided.

Josie’s eyes softened. “You’re a kind man, you know?”

Dean scoffed. “If you’d known me in the past, you’d hesitate with saying that.”

“I know you  _ now _ , and that’s what matters to me. We all make mistakes, but it’s how we choose to accept those consequences and mend whatever rift they created that define us,” Josie assured him. She placed her hand on his arm and gently squeezed, her smile fond and soft as her being.

“You’re an amazing person, Jos. Thank you for accepting me, but—um, but you’ll wanna hold off on that until after you know what I did to Cas when we were teenagers.” He kissed her forehead and gave her a wobbly smile.

Josie looked concerned. “Was it really that bad?” She asked cautiously.

Dean nodded. “I’m countin’ myself  _ very  _ lucky to even be able to talk to Cas again. I’ll tell you about it soon. I’ll tell you my half of it and let Cas tell you his if he ever decides to.” Josie could only nod. “Um, we’re all out back. Jesse and Caesar are gettin’ the grill goin’, so I’m sure we’ll start prepping the food soon.”

“Meg and I are gonna make potato salad and pasta salad when she gets here,” Josie said as she cracked her soda open.

“Y’all need an extra hand?”

“Well, you were good at mashing those potatoes the other night, so I think we have the perfect job for you.” They shared a smile.

“Let’s head out,” Dean said. Josie looped her arms around his with their sodas in the other hands. All heads turned their way when they opened the patio door. 

Josie waved excitedly at Castiel. “There’s the birthday boy!” She said. Castiel gave her a warm smile and opened his arms to her. Instantly, she left Dean’s side and moved into Castiel’s embrace, hugging him tightly. “I love you,” she said fondly against his shoulder. Dean couldn’t help but smile at their close friendship; it was everything Castiel deserved. Dean took a seat next to Sam on one of the lawn chairs and put their sodas down on the small table.

“I love you, too,” Castiel replied, hugging her tightly. “Thank you for coming.”

“Like I’d ever miss it! You say this every year,” Josie teased, punching his shoulder lightly.

“Because I’m thankful for you coming every year,” replied Castiel before kissing her cheek. “Are the others right behind you?”

“Meg sent me a text a few minutes ago that they were nearly here, so it should be soon. Once the rest of the gang are here, Meg and I are gonna get started on the potato salad and the pasta salad.”

“You can hang around for a bit before you get started. There’s plenty of time in the day.”

Josie shook her head. “The boiling is gonna take a while, so we need to start it now,” she said sadly. “We should’ve boiled everything yesterday.”

“It’s okay, Josie. We have time,” Dean said before Castiel could. “Don’t stress out about it, okay?” He gave her a huge grin and she returned it brightly.

“Thank you, Dean. You’re the sweetest.”

Dean gave her a pleased hum. “I am pretty sweet, huh?” He joked. Josie rolled her eyes playfully and took the open seat next to him.

“Don’t let it go to your head,” she retorted.

He grinned slyly and winked at her, “No promises.” Josie laughed and Dean dropped his act of overbearing confidence. 

“Hey, did you watch that documentary we talked about last night?” She asked.

Dean shook his head. “No, I didn’t get the chance to. Cas and I were watching the Wizard of Oz. But it’s supposed to be on again tonight, right?” She nodded. “We can watch it together in my room.”

Josie perked up. “Yeah, definitely! It’ll be awesome to talk about it in real time,” she giggled. Dean gave her a soft smile. Before he could reply Castiel took a seat on his lap and leaned his side against Dean’s chest. Dean’s hand instantly went to Castiel’s waist, his soda nearly spilling from being caught off guard. 

“Um— Heya, Cas,” Dean said, rubbing his friend’s back.

“Hello,” Castiel nonchalantly replied as he sipped his soda. “I wanted Josie to have the seat next to you, but I also didn’t feel up to getting any extras out.”

Dean laughed softly. “It’s no problem. It’s not like you never used to do this all the time,” he reminded.

Sam looked over with a fond smile and shook his head slightly. “I can’t believe y’all are doing that again. Remember when Bobby threatened to duct tape you guys together?” Dean and Castiel both laughed.

“Dude, I remember that! We were so embarrassed that we stopped,” Dean huffed.

“I mean, we still did it in private,” Castiel offered with a blush on his cheeks.

Dean’s face went red and Sam groaned, “Oh, my God.  _ Ew _ !”

“I wasn’t anything like  _ that _ , Sammy, ‘ya fuckin’ pervert!” Dean exclaimed.

Castiel nodded. “Yes, Sam. I agree that you do need to get your mind out of the gutter.” Castiel put his arm around Dean’s shoulder and got comfortable against him. Josie took the seat next to them.

“You guys seem really close,” she said. “I’m really glad. But I definitely could’ve gotten my own chair. You didn’t have to worry about that.” She rubbed Castiel’s arm affectionately.

“This just seemed easier.”

“Yeah,” Dean said, “and I don’t really mind. It’s like old times.” Castiel leaned back against Dean as the two drank their sodas and watched as Sam and Eileen messed with each other. Dean sighed happily, sinking down a little further into the chair and rubbing Castiel’s hip affectionately. It felt amazing to be with him as they used to, without judgement or rumors or looks or  _ guilt _ . Dean felt free being affectionate with Castiel for the first time in a long time.

He’d missed hugging him, playing with his hair as Castiel sat between his legs, putting his arm over his shoulders or around his waist, clinging to him as Castiel sat on his lap, and just having any kind of physical contact with his best friend.

He wished they could stay like this forever.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment and let me know what you think! <3


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